Everyone has been commenting on how long my hair has gotten. I have nice hair and all, but damn. It really is engulfing me at this point. I think I used to hide behind my hair and makeup to a certain extent. Those were things I didn't have to work at that I felt were naturally beautiful about myself- a very short list to be certain! I wanted my hair to be long because I could use it to pull around my face and camouflage how big my shoulders and neck were as well as how undefined my features had become. I used my makeup to define the features I liked and I put a lot of effort into eye makeup. It was as if I was saying, "LOOK HERE. DON'T LOOK ANYWHERE ELSE. GOD HELP YOU IF YOU LOOK ANYWHERE ELSE." It makes me laugh when I think about it now.
At this point, I don't feel like I need to hide. As my mom put it, "You need to make sure your outer you matches the amount of effort you put into making it what it is." Maybe that's a little vain, but when you work in entertainment like I do, it's especially important to have a sense of style about you and to put your best foot forward. First impressions are important, and for me, they can make or break me when it comes to entering an audition room. I'm not saying I'm blowing out my hair and doing elaborate makeup every day, but I put a lot more thought into how I walk out into the world now because I feel like it's worth it. I try to wear clothes that fit and to dress up a little if I'm going out. I'll never not prioritize being comfortable, but there are ways to be comfortable and look like you give a damn. Before, I did "whatever" because I figured there was nothing I could do to salvage the whole mess anyways so why even try? I think I was doing myself a disservice in so many ways. If I had cared more about how I looked, I might have cared more about my health. The truth is, I care about both of those things now- though obviously my priority is treating my body with care and love rather than self destruction and rejection. I really feel like that dichotomy is finally shifting inside of me in a really meaningful and positive way.
So with all that in mind, I decided to go get a haircut today! If I had my druthers, I would have done something dramatic about the color, but one step at a time. I don't want to erase past-me just because I'm changing so drastically. And yet, after liking my white wig at New York Comic Con so much, I've been considering going super white platinum blond like Daenerys from Game of Thrones. It would be a MONUMENTAL change so I'm not about to jump into it blindly. I've heard that color might be really hard to maintain, but the stylist who I worked with today made it sound like it wouldn't be that hard for me because my roots are really light. I thought I had pretty dark hair, but it's possible my hair has been changing color and I just didn't know since I just keep recoloring it red. At any rate, first step, shorter hair and less broken dry messiness! Let me know what you think!