L2 Boldy Go, Noob

I've been in a really dark place lately. Crazy mood swings, battling severe sweets cravings, not making much progress with my workouts (still doing them!), missing my boyfriend (I know... how emo can I get?), wondering what I'm doing with my life, freaking out over my lack of acting career- you get the picture. It's like walking through molasses... but without being able to eat any of it. Bummer.

My friends very sweetly remind me that I've made some huge strides in my life during the past year. Health wise, I can't deny that it's like I'm a different person. That's just one aspect of my life though and I just feel like a directionless fool most of the time. I try to follow my passions and honor what I love in life, but as far as monetizing my skill sets, I feel like I'm reaching a glass ceiling. What was all my book learnin' even for? If I get healthy, great... but if there's still a mediocre life waiting for me once I get to my goal weight and start maintaining, how the hell am I supposed to stay motivated to be the best me I can be?

This kind of thinking is circular and while I know it does happen to us all from time to time, it's important not to let it take over because it's not productive. I have to stop it before it stops me.

What does all this have to do with Star Trek? The only thing that has successfully helped me decompress is watching Star Trek: The Next Generation with a big mug of Chai tea. Every time the intro played, I thought about words issued by the rich voice of Sir Patrick Stewart.

"To explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life; to boldly go where no man has gone before." Star Trek encourages us to celebrate the spirit of exploration, regardless of the results. After listening to those words over and over, I realized that I should be focusing on what I can do to make my life better rather than all the things that are holding me back or seem to be going wrong. After all, without that will to "go boldly," there won't be any results to speak of. Ergo, the answer to my depressed malaise must be to inject my days with a reinvigorated zest for trying new things.

Research into my upcoming shift to eating/living Primal has certainly given me something new to focus on and has renewed my excitement about what I'm eating/cooking. I've been making huge salads lately and making the shift away from low fat dressings to using avocado or even guacamole. It's amazing how tasty that is. TRY IT IMMEDIATELY!

When I went home, I made it my goal to get in all my workouts to prove that even on vacation, I can make time for my health. I also tried to get my family out on walks and as active as possible. My parents are participating in the walk to Mordor, but they're way behind on our goal to finish by the end of the year so I figured this might encourage them to see what a little extra time spent on simple activity could do for their Fitbit statistics. We did tons of walks both in Chicago and in Michigan and we even took our dogs on a few of them, which was fun.

While away, I realized that breaking up my routine is actually a great thing for stress relief. My mood was vastly improved by taking runs through areas I wasn't familiar with. Maybe my run times weren't as good but it was a nice way to experience the environment and feel a revitalized sense of fun in my workouts. I'm getting that in spades right now because I'm house sitting for my friends who live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan right near Riverside Park while they're abroad in Japan . I'll be here for the next few weeks and the park has gotten me really pumped for my runs, though it's certainly more hilly than I'm used to. However, this halfling does have to be a bit wary as I run past Isengard. There be ORCSES in them thar hills!

I'm also taking care of their kitties, Vivi and Eiko. Despite feeling a little isolated right now  , it's been really fun to have those two around for cuddles, playtime, and light one sided conversation (they're good listeners. DON'T JUDGE ME!). Sadly I don't think there are kittens or puppies in my future at home because of the expense and my inability to keep a steady schedule, but at least for now I have these two cuties to keep me company. It definitely breaks up the tedium of a boring evening alone after an exhausting day of work.

To top it all off, I had a chance to hang with some fellow Nerd Fitness rebels today! I met up with one of them earlier in the day and we enjoyed the near perfect weather as we strolled through Central Park. We even discovered there was a celebration called "Japan Day" going on with tons of cosplayers, traditional entertainment, and free food. Later, we met up up with two more forum members at Brooklyn Boulders to do some rock climbing! I had no idea this place even existed and it as soon as we walked in, it just felt like a giant playground for adults. 

I was really nervous because every time I've tried rock climbing, I've made it a few feet into the air and just hung there in terror until my forearms gave out under the immense stress of my weight. I was sort of nervous the same thing would happen this time and I'd become the red-headed step child of the trendy fit kids club. I knew my new comrades wouldn't really judge me, but I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to criticism and shame spirals (if you hadn't noticed!).

Instead this happened.

When will I learn not to sell myself short? Apparently never.

Tomorrow a bunch of us rebels are meeting up with even more forum members and forming our own "away team" for a day of New York sightseeing and exploration! I'm looking forward to wracking up the miles on my Fitbit, making new friends, and putting my non-deficit day to good use when we settle in for some good vittles! Of course, I have to earn the right to "play" by paying the price in the morning with a four mile Zombies, Run session.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I know I haven't fixed all of the things that are leaving this dark cloud over my head. They're still present, but I'm not letting them stop me from seeing the potential that the world has to offer me. I'm still boldly going where no Anne has gone before and I don't intend to stop any time soon.

...See what I did there?

Willpower: Your Limited Mana Pool and You

Willpower.

All health choices ultimately come down to that one thing.

How badly do you want it and what are you willing to give up?

Every task, from work, to working out, to dealing with unpleasant social situations draws on the same resource; Willpower (or self control if you prefer). Lately, I've been struggling to manage my "limited mana pool," so to speak. 

For 11 months. I've turned down cupcakes and candy while watching others graze on them at will. I've woken up at 6 in the morning to make time for runs before work despite exhaustion. I've traded gaming time for gym time and the freedom of eating "wherever my friends want" for making sure that there will be something I can eat wherever we go.

Add in a very physical job that requires me to manage groups of 30 people from around the world for an hour at least three or four times a day. It requires me to walk at least 5 miles during the work day alone, and provide the best in customer service to over 1000+ guests a day.

Add in the emotional anniversary of the death of a friend.

Add in my stress over trying to figure out how to pursue my acting career in this new body.

Add in my boyfriend (one of my major rocks), moving back to Michigan for the summer.

The reason I'm listing all these stress factors is because it takes the same type of energy to behave like a mature, mentally and physically healthy adult in the face of all those hurdles despite how different they are.

Sometimes it really seems like the perfect storm, and despite the fact that I have been able to stay on track with my health goals, I've become slightly pugnacious, rude and confrontational in the face of my increased stress load. My fuse is the shortest it's ever been and I really don't like the person I'm becoming.

Seriously, I'm not far off from this:

Many whelps, guys. Many whelps.

Just think about your own life.

How many times have you had a really crappy or exhausting day and made a bad decision using your experience as an excuse?

I ran around the city all day getting ready for my big trip so I'll skip out on the gym because I'm exhausted.

My boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with me so I'll drown my sorrows in a pint of ice cream. 

I just had a really shitty day, so it's ok that I was short with my dad on the phone.

We've all been there. We're only human. Usually when we cave and make a bad decision or lash out aggressively it's because we aren't managing our mana pool efficiently. Then when we don't execute our plans perfectly, it feels like there's no point and more mistakes follow.

But what do we say to the god of death? 

Not today.

Even when the walls are caving in, you have to learn how to cope without relying on your old toxic habits or taking it out on the people around you. If you want to keep fighting for your health, you can't just throw up your hands and accept defeat. You need to change your tactics and evolve.

First, you have to accept that you cannot be perfect at everything all the time. You need to prioritize what you're going to excel at, what you're going to do well at, and what you're going to let go for the day.

It's sort of like prioritizing a kill order for mobs in a video game. Save the bigger spells for the the bigger bosses and get by with the smaller ones to take out the less threatening ones.

If you know you'll have an exhausting day at work, then choose a lighter workout, but plan to eat on your plan perfectly. If you know you'll be going out to a truly fabulous dinner with friends, give yourself a little more leeway if your diet execution has been stellar for the last few weeks, but go hard when it comes to the gym that morning so that you earn it. I usually try to get new personal records in my runs on these days or put in some extra time on attempting new yoga positions so that I can feel like I really accomplished something great.

NOTE: Don't go overboard on the whole "going out to eat with friends" social excuse. Generally, I've been giving myself one day a week where I don't have to meet my deficit on fitbit if there's a significant social occasion, like a birthday. Try to plan things so that treats are just that; TREATS. You don't need cake all the time, but you shouldn't deny yourself the odd indulgence if you plan for it ahead of time and make it an active choice. 

It's also important to start recognizing what recharges you and it's critical to find things that don't involve eating as form of stress relief. After all, before you face a new boss on raid night, it's important to stock up on your mana potions!

What stress factors can you eliminate quickly and which are out of your control? If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and think of little things you can do. Would cleaning your desk make you feel less stressed? Can you take out the trash or go out and get your groceries? Can you clean out your email inbox?

Is there some activity that you really enjoy that seems to erase the stress of the day? Treat yourself to a pedicure. Carve out some time to watch a movie you've been dying to see. Cuddle with your significant other on the couch and talk about your day together. Schedule an hour to PVP. Maybe you don't have a whole day to lounge around and devour reruns of Doctor Who on Netflix, but you can find some time for yourself if you do some creative thinking.

Can you make time at least once a week to hang with friends and relieve some stress? Sometimes this road to health can be lonely and it can definitely make you feel isolated. Make sure you are putting in time with your friends because it will help you keep a level head. They knew you before you started on this path and they'll be able to step in and help you if you seem to be going a little bonkers.

Is there a physical activity/ritual that seems to center you? Try out some yoga or meditation. Download some new music and go for a walk while you listen to it. The more you can discover physical activities that you truly enjoy, the better off you'll be in the long run.

It's time to accept the things you can't control and and take the helm when it comes to the things you can. Learn to recognize the difference and you'll be able to keep yourself moving in the right direction. Success is just the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what. You might not always be perfect, but if you can assess your failures, forgive yourself, and learn from them, then you'll always be ready for the next boss fight will a full mana pool and enough willpower to lead your raid team constructively without the threat of 50 DKP minuses.