90 lbs Lost: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

As I lose weight, there are a lot of great rewards. I have more energy, I feel less afraid of food because I have a solid knowledge base to navigate murky waters, I actually crave being active, and I feel more confident about the way I look. Today marks a huge milestone for me. When I weighed myself this morning, I finally saw that I've surpassed the 90 lbs lost mark.

It feels amazing. I did a celebratory dance and then I looked in the mirror. I was naked so I didn't have any way to hide the scars of this journey and the toll it's taken on my body. I'm sort of like a deflated balloon. There are rivers of stretch marks flowing down around the sides of my breasts, my underarms, and my belly. My breasts have been so heavy for so long that they are now a lot smaller and veritably hanging off of my pectoral muscles in a visible way. There are bumpy and oddly shaped places all over my body where fat has come off in weird ways. My inner thighs are sagging and hanging to create these little "bags" of flesh next to my knees that I can't seem to get rid of. Even my armpits sag when I hold out my arms like an airplane. I'm so damn proud of the work I've put in, but underneath my clothes and the numbers I can pin on the wall with a gold star, a very different story is told- one of years of abuse and physical lethargy.

I constantly struggle with making sense the highs of being elated by my physical progress and all the things I can do in the gym that I couldn't do before and the lows of what I see in the mirror at home. Despite all that hard work, I can still see the old Anne just hanging off of me. It's not like some dream where suddenly you get the body you always wanted. Parts of your past... well, they hang around, so to speak.

I have the best boyfriend in the world and I can tell him anything. This weekend, I sort of broke down in front of him. I might be finding success, but along with it, I'm constantly starring in the face of not "being done yet" and the fear that even once I've lost the weight I need to in order to be healthy, I'll only have this broken, scarred body to show for it is ever present. It keys right into the self image issues I've suffered with all my life which is so heartbreaking because one of the reasons I wanted to embark on this journey was to improve that. It makes me feel really alone because even though people are congratulating me and saying I look great, they don't know what I'm hiding underneath it all. It makes me want to punish myself, as awful as that is, because I did this to myself and I've put myself in this situation. When I punish myself, it usually means that I'll stop eating as much as I should. I revealed to him that for the past few weeks I've been consuming between 750 and 950 calories a day and not the 1200 I'm supposed to. It was really hard to admit, but I needed someone in my life to hold me accountable for doing this the RIGHT way.

That conversation was the first time I've ever let my baggage show so completely to another person and I'm so glad I did it because he talked me through all the things that I could actively do to make myself feel better and get back on track. Obviously it's important to focus on positive actions like continuing to work out and making sure I'm eating all the things I'm supposed to on my program, but we actually made a plan of things I was going to do the next day. The first one was to add at least one of the missing foods from my diet. I was convinced that if I could do that for the next few days, I could start adding back in the others without being so afraid of gaining weight. He also reminded me that my battle scars might not change and if they did, it would be in the long run so I should focus on eliminating anything else that was looming over me and making me feel bad about myself. For me, this meant getting my creative life in order and more specifically, finishing my web series (which has been delayed for reasons out of my control until very recently), finding more auditions to go to, and making sure that I am writing new entries for my blog. All of that at once is really intimidating so I started with a plan to go through all the footage the next morning and email a whole batch of potential editors so we can get the ball rolling. Lastly, my boyfriend found a great article for me to read about Julia Kozerski, a photographer who weighed 338 lbs and then lost half of her body weight in a year and chronicled it with photographs of her confronting her progress in a series called Half. It was a great read and it really made me feel less alone and also like I shouldn't punish myself for having these negative feelings because clearly other people do as well.

When it comes right down to it, I am attempting to lose half of my body weight. There are bound to be wonderful celebrations and disappointing repercussions, but the most important thing of all is my health. I want to know that I won't be physically limited by things I could have controlled and I want to be certain that when I go to the doctor, I won't face increased risks just because I couldn't get my act together. The rest of this will fall into place in time, but I won't stop until I'm healthy both physically and mentally.

Measurements & The Biggest Loser

I was surprised by how great my measurements are coming along this morning. I was definitely expecting them to be a little "blegh" because of recovering from surgery and not being able to hit the gym for a week and a half this past month, but it looks like I was able to stay right on track so I was proud of myself for devising a plan for recovery and sticking with it.

New Years was fun, though I did indulge a little TOO much in goodies. I was giving myself permission to splurge on that day, but now it's time to get back to 100% on plan. The holidays are over folks! It's time for us all to start kicking ass again. No excuses!

I took a new Facebook profile picture and compared it to other pictures of my face throughout the years. It's almost gross how pudgy my face was before in comparison. I should do a "before/after" of my face at some point just to show the difference. I don't know how I convinced myself that I hadn't put on much weight after seeing how bloated I used to be in comparison to what I see now.

For whatever reason I thought The Biggest Loser was cancelled, but I just saw a promo for a new season and I'm SOOOO excited cause I love that show. I know their results are unrealistic in a way, but I love watching the contestants transform, inside and out, plus there's a lot of nutritional education on that show as well. This is the first time I won't be watching it and thinking, "I should really get my ass off the couch and do something about my problems." That's really exciting for me because their were times when I was certainly watching that show and eating a whole pizza at the same time. SHAAAAAAAME! Haha! Anyways! I'm super excited to watch! Anyone else planning on tuning in?

Healthy Holiday Greetings

By Maria Clapsis

I've been spending the last week in recovery from my gallbladder surgery and it's been going pretty well. I spent each day slowly working my strength back up to what it was at the gym. I started just walking outside for half an hour at a time, then moved on to doing that on the treadmill so I could monitor heart rate and speed. Then I kept ramping that up in time, incline, and intensity every day until yesterday I finally was able get on the elliptical and do a 45 minute cardio session. After I see the doctor for my follow-up on the 27th, I'll probably get the ok to do high intensity interval training again. 

I've been eating 100% healthy this week since I've been stuck at the apartment which has been really nice. Not a lot of temptation out there- what luck for the holidays! I am headed to Connecticut to spend time with family for the next two days and I've heard that our Christmas Eve dinner promises to be pretty healthy. Filet mignon, spinach, and sweet potatoes. I'm bringing some Nutrisystem food to supplement throughout the holiday, but for the most part I'm giving myself a pass to splurge a little since I've been so good the entire season. I figure if there's ever a day to splurge, its the REAL CHRISTMAS DAY! 

It's weird. I think this is the first holiday season that I've successfully been able to lose weight. Oddly, it's not as hard as I feared- just takes some planning and a bit of will. It's easier to hold off on the little temptations when I know I'm going to have a treat looming on the horizon. :)

Well, I'm off to the gym! Not sure when my parents are arriving so I want to make sure I get in one last good workout before we head to Connecticut. Happy HEALTHY Holidays everyone!

Post Operation Weigh-In

I had my first post surgery weigh-in today. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I figured my greatest loss would have been in the hospital where they didn't let me eat for about 6 days, but that didn't seem to be the case. I guess it wasn't until after my return home that my body finally decided to react to all the stress. I've been able to get my appetite back and stick to the program over the last few days and I'm pretty sure that jumpstarted my metabolism or something. Whatever it did, it gave my body what it needed and I dropped 4.8 lbs this week! I was all:

I know it's sort of not real and that I'll probably fluctuate or not lose at all this week, but my main focus is to just get back to normal physically. I want to stick to the program, since my appetite really hasn't been what it once was, and I want to work up to getting on the treadmill at the gym.

I've been trying to stay busy at home. I create little to-do lists for each day so I don't go crazy. I have to call to make some follow up appointments at the hospital today and check in with my health insurance to make sure everything gets pre-certified for the follow-ups. Luckily, once all that is done, I'll be able to spend some time playing Skyrim on my new gaming desktop. But first! It looks like the rain has let up so I'm going to go for a nice little recovery walk whilst the weather holds.

Road to Recovery

Well I got back from the hospital on Thursday afternoon after having surgery to remove my gallbladder on Wednesday morning. I can happily say that all went well aside from the doctor having to work around some scar tissue that had accrued from letting this go on so long.

Luckily my dad arrived on Tuesday night. I'm so lucky to have him. I was getting really tired of being too drugged to make informed decisions or being unable to fight for things that I needed because I was connected to an IV and weak from 6 days of no food and all the morphine being pumped into my system. I did have some wonderful nurses who I appreciated a great deal, but going through hospitalization all alone was a little scary and lonely and I was filled with relief when Dad got there. 

The only thing that made me super angry happened right before surgery started. They had the IV in my hand and were starting to prep me/put me out. The drugs going into my veins started to REALLY hurt and my heart-rate started rising and I begged someone to help me because it hurt so bad. They just kept telling me I was fine and going about their business- and when they got tired of listening to me, they smashed an oxygen mask onto my face. The next thing I knew, I was screaming in pain after surgery and crying my eyes out. I was so mad because I was helpless in that situation and even though I was in pain, they just shut me up till I was knocked out and they wouldn't have to listen to me. Not cool.

After surgery, I spent some time in recovery where they injected me with all sorts of pain killers and soon enough they took me to my room to sleep it off. Later in the evening I decided to try and walk a little bit, since that's one of the things they say helps with recovery the most. It was hard, but I did a few laps around my floor and soon enough I was able to move around unassisted at a reasonable speed. Of course, I was pretty full of drugs for the pain, but I felt good about my progress and my Uncle Jack came to visit me as well.

Best of all, they finally let me eat and drink. This was my reaction:

First, they gave me water and apple juice, and I swear it was like MANA FROM THE HEAVENS. I drank sooooo much water. My thirst could not be slaked by any amount of it. Later they brought me some fish, green beans and soup. They brought me a ton of other junk too, but I tried to eat light so that I could take it easy on my body. After all, without a gallbladder, my liver will be taking over some responsibilities. 

I had some trouble sleeping that first night, but I ended up just going for walks whenever I couldn't sleep. The next morning the doctors signed off on my discharge which I was ecstatic about going home. My dad made sure I got there alright and then stayed with me for a few days to help nurse me back to health and make sure I had everything I needed to stock my house for recovery. We went on a few walks and he helped me do some chores that needed doing around the house. My boyfriend came to stay as well, which was interesting since they had never met before. It was sort of adorably domestic watching both of them take care of me. I felt very loved and well looked after. I'm very lucky to have them. We all made an outing to see The Hobbit on Friday since I was disappointed that I had to miss the midnight release viewing plans that I had with my friends on Thursday night. We had a lot of fun, though of course the movie had its flaws. I had a little trouble concentrating because of the painkillers so I'll probably want to go see it again.

Funnily, the biggest struggle with recovery was... ::drumroll please:: Pooping. I know, I know, TMI, but HEAR ME OUT!The painkillers they give you make it hard to go and I hadn't been in over a week. Of course they give you medication to help, but it takes a while to kick in. It became PAINFUL because there was no room for more food (even though I was justifiably hungry after days and days of not eating), and because my organs had been jostled about quite a bit and they didn't take kindly to being shoved out of the way in favor of my body's refuse. Hahahahah! Sometimes I imagined that all of my organs were brawling over who deserved to annex who's apartment most in the new space in my abdomen, only to be thwarted by my intestines at the last moment. Anyways... I found it amusing, though it could be the oxycodone. For that reason, I've been trying to limit my doses of painkillers to times when I REALLY need them and that's seemed to do the trick. Yesterday I only took one dose after getting a coughing attack (which obviously really hurt) and today I've been pill free so hopefully I can pull through without them. 

My goal is to be back in the gym on Wednesday (a week after surgery), just walking on the treadmill to get my heart-rate up for a half hour. I've been building up bit by bit by taking a few easy 20 minute walks a day and hopefully I can stay on track that way. I don't want to let this episode distract me. I've been right back to my Nutrisystem diet as well now that I'm home, so at least I know I'm eating right even if if I'm not as active as I'd like to be. It's a little frustrating because this feels like a set back, but I'm trying focus on the positives like how much harder the surgery would have been to perform if I were still at my starting weight (not to mention a harder recovery), how willing I am to jump back into being active as soon as possible, and how positive my doctors were about my recovery process whilst I was still in the hospital. They all seemed surprised to see me up and about as much as I was. So, I have to be careful not to push myself too hard, but I also need to stay on track.

Hurricanes and Halloween

Well the last few days have been very unexpected. I live in NYC and we've been weathering Sandy and trying to get back on our feet in the wake of the storm. I've been extremely lucky because the area where I live has been pretty much unaffected. We never lost power or had any flooding at all. Our stores and restaurants were open as early as yesterday. Compared to whats going on in other areas, I am counting my blessings. 

The last week has been very slow as far as trips to the gym. I had been sick and unable to go to work but I definitely used exhaustion from Halloween activities as an excuse to avoid working out on Sunday. 

I did end up doing a cool costume for Sindel from Mortal Kombat and all of my friends who saw it commented on my weightloss and were very encouraging. It definitely built my confidence. Thanks so much to my friend Agatha who made it. We took a bunch of pictures of our whole Mortal Kombat group. I'll share one when I get access to them!

My boyfriend and I battened down at my apartment to weather the storm and I don't think either of us thought it would go on as long as it has. His grad school classes have been canceled and my work has been shut down as well. We've spent the time playing video games, watching Game of Thrones, and finding ways go "get some exercise" (::wink, giggle:: Sorry, TMI... heeeheeeheee). I think we've both been tempted to snack on comfort food, but despite a few Oreos, a few mouthfuls of his icecream, and a small hot chocolate, I still managed to lose 3 lbs since Saturday. Today I got up and hit the gym with the goal to get back 100% on program. It just goes to show you that if you fall off the wagon, you can always hop right back on and get back on track without torturing yourself or making it even worse. Today my boyfriend tried to go home, but ended up giving up because traffic between Queens and the city is out of control. We'll both have to make the trek tomorrow, so hopefully things will be a little smoother by then.

My heart goes out to everyone who has been affected by the hurricane. I really was blessed to have faired as well as I did considering what's going on in Lower Manhattan. I hope this city can remain resilient and that things will get back to normal over the next week.