Where the Hell Have I Been?

I'm sure a lot of Slayers have been wondering where I went or why. It has been so rewarding to share my successes with you all since I started posting, but last year, just around Christmas, I started to feel like a real failure, and not just with health.

Oddly enough, it was at that time that I got a really great paid gig to teach theater/voice at my alma mater, Tabor Academy for a limited time during the course of their Winter Musical rehearsal process for Legally Blonde. The experience was incredible. The kids were so committed and spectacular. It was a real Anna from Frozen "For the First Time in Forever" moment. By that, I mean I had been struggling to find a place for myself when it came to the performing arts since college and especially after the majority of my weight loss. Sure I was exercising my creativity through cosplay, but I wasn't necessarily doing what I had intended to do with my BFA in theater from Tisch School of the Arts. I wanted to perform and to coach others and getting to do that and getting PAID to do it gave me both a thrill and also the sense that I'd been waisting my time with excuses for a too long.

For all my claiming that "my major physique change" made my resume look ridiculous and my reel material unusable, I realized that I had actually been fearing whether people would even accept the "new me" professionally. I'd played the butch lesbian and the ridiculous and ridiculed fatty for so long that I didn't really know how to type cast myself and go out for roles anymore. Getting to work with the kids at Tabor and share my wealth of knowledge and experience with them should have made me feel better about what I was doing with my life, but it actually made me feel worse because I realized I should have been searching endlessly for jobs like that all the time instead of becoming an artistic cripple in hibernation waiting until she became a butterfly.

On top of that, my day job became really soul crushing during the holidays. It's our busiest time of year and it is basically a customer service job, even though my title is Tour Guide. It's a lot of traffic and a lot of pressure to make the holidays happen for thousands of people in the course of 7 weeks and it really took it's toll on me. It's not that I hate my job. I actually enjoy it. I just suffer, as anyone would, from dealing with all the negative aspects of providing good customer service to patrons flowing in on an unbelievably relentless scale. By the time the New Year came, I just wanted to go to sleep FOREVER.

So yeah. Cue the self loathing. And then cue the relationship problems. I'll spare you the details, but for the second year in a row, I felt let down by my significant other when it came to being present during the holidays. It's really hard during that time of year because I am so beset by problems at work that I'm not always the best partner either during that time. The anxiety and frustration with each other just accumulated at a crazy rate. With all the stress and the previous year of denying myself holiday treats, I decided to say, for lack of a better phrase, "Fuck it." I was going to enjoy the treats of the holidays when they were offered and I was going to enjoy the food. I didn't gain a lot, but I did gain the holiday weight we all dread.

These negative nutritional changes also followed a few episodes of fainting at work while doing a Whole30. I felt like a complete failure and like this system that I really enjoyed wasn't going to work for me. The high fat was a lot for my gal bladderless body to handle and there were a lot of factors but in the end, my disappointment was another thing that led to my "Fuck it" behavior. I can actually remember the exact moment. I had gotten woozy for the second time at work and my boss handed me a corn muffin and practically demanded that I eat it. That was it. After that, the age of "Fuck It" was upon me.

I decided my New Years resolution was going to be "Don't work for free anymore." Any artist will tell you that making that decision is a HARROWING moment. People tell you all the time "You may never work again if you do that." I decided that I had wasted a lot of time on theater companies that wanted more than just my acting skills and who demanded a lot from me while giving almost nothing in return. It's natural to think that those projects may get you in the front door when those directors get in a position to offer pay checks to their performers. What I'll say is that the one time that happened for me, I NEVER GOT PAID A SINGLE DIME despite having a contract because the director didn't have anyone advising him on the financial side of doing shows and he ended up making promises he couldn't keep- including promising us a certain amount and then getting the cast to take a pay cut so that he could pay the people coming in from Jersey and Long Island more money. How is that my fault? Why should I be penalized? I digress. These are old festering wounds in the form of lessons that taught me to choose carefully who you work with, to make sure the work is paid, and to accept that this may mean taking less work than usual. Frankly, doing all of those projects was keeping me from even attempting to find paid work.

My relationship nearly crumbled at the beginning of February resulting in a lonely Valentine's Day and a lot of stress due to some health scares that I don't want to get into. Suffice to say I was completely rattled. I felt alone. Instead of pumping myself up at the gym, I went less and less. That's not to say that I was completely sedentary, but it IS to say that I got heavily into MMO's again and my obsession caused me to cook less and less and order out more and more.

As my boyfriend and I tried to mend the shambling corpse of our relationship, I attempted my biggest cosplay feat to date. I will always treasure my Daughters of the Eyrewood costume and the experience I got to have at PAX East 2014 because of it. I'm a huge Penny Arcade and I love those guys to death and I love their Eyrewood Adventures most of all. As you can see in our interview video with Nerd Caliber below, we ended up running into Mike Krahulik/Gabe, the artist who created our characters, and he invited us to play test his new game Thornwatch with the PA crew that night. He also showed off our costumes during his panel on the game. It was honestly just the best reception to a costume that I've ever had. To have your work truly appreciated by the original artist and to get to share the experience with them is really incredible. This was my first costume that I can say I completely made myself, minus my shirt, and it was the first costume that I used my new sewing machine on. It was also my first time wiring LED's into a costume. If Mike hadn't invited us to the play test, we never would have made it there because we got mobbed for photos all the time, something that really surprised me because these characters are so obscure. I think anyone who knows about the Eyrewood loves it immediately and I also think having costumes that light up, really rakes in the attention, FYI. This experience did a lot to repair the relationship issues that my boyfriend and I had been having and we really treasured and continue to treasure this experience. We got so close as we experienced our dream of what the best PAX ever could be and no matter what has happened since, I don't think we'll ever be able to top it.

We even got featured on the front page of Penny Arcade in Mike's post about the Thornwatch playtest at PAX East. Guys, when this game comes out I'm gonna run it for ALL THE PEOPLE ANY TIME ANYONE WILL LET ME. It's so badass I can't even. I cannot. Even.

Then I went to Italy, which honestly started out very physically. I hiked every high altitude path connecting the beautiful towns of Cinque Terre with my parents and my friend Passion, who happened to be visiting at the same time. These hikes were super challenging, but I was really glad to see that I could do them because I don't think I would have enjoyed the experience as much at 250 lbs. It was stunning and I felt great for the beginning of our three week trip. It's not that hard to eat healthy in Italy if one avoids pasta. I managed to do that for a while, but then the gnocchi devil got a hold of me near the end of the trip and I put on everything I lost on the mountainsides of North Italy. Also wine. I drank lots of wine with dinner because Italy. Sorry not sorry about that one. It was vacation.

The only problem was, I didn't really get back on track when I came home.

Photo by Adam Jason Photography

Photo by Ron Frary

I auditioned for and got a role in the New York Renaissance Faire as a part of the Sirens of Sterling, an all female six lady a capella group. I feel so blessed to have had this experience. I am in awe of my fellow cast mates and their improvisational and stage combat skills. We all had so much to learn from each other and I made friends that I really hope last a life time. It was also nice to know that I could still work creatively and get paid for it. Huzzah, indeed! On the flipside, I made a lot of poor food choices because I was walking, skipping, and May Pole Dancing for a distance of about 20 miles every weekend according to the pedometer I kept hidden in my waist pouch. I drank plenty of alcohol to lull myself to sleep in the freezing campgrounds and I made the most of the treats on site, including delicious morning pastries and Butterbeer once a weekend. Suffice to say, I may have overestimated how many calories I could burn in a weekend and I certainly wasn't keeping track.

Then, the coup de grace. My boyfriend of two years decided to move in with me after hemming and hawing for about nine months about where our relationship was going. He took two months to prepare for the actual move in. Every time I asked if he was ready, he made an excuse. He was going through a lot of life changes at the time so I didn't pressure him. I was trying to be understanding. After a while, I finally felt like there was something wrong. He admitted to me finally that he didn't want to move in and that he felt like his feelings for me had changed and that I didn't have my life together amongst many other complaints. In a fireball of shock and pain, I relied on my friends, new and old to get me through the last weekend of faire and upon my return, he landed his final blow and we broke up. Words cannot express how sad I still am and how worthless I feel all the time. It doesn't seem matter at all to my self esteem that I'm still acquiring paid creative gigs both as a performer, teacher, and through cosplay commissions. I still feel his doubt in me hammering away at everything I accomplish and it makes me wonder why I wasn't good enough? I should know that I am enough and that it just wasn't meant to be, but as anyone who has suffered through something like this will tell you, it's easy to question yourself even if you know you shouldn't. I have to accept that what he said was his truth and we're damn well better off apart if he feels that way.

I've gotten so much support from my friends and I feel like such a drag for still being sad, despite a month having passed. I feel like I owe it to everyone to try and pick up the pieces and get myself back to normal because they've put so much time and energy into making sure I'm going to be ok. They've cuddled me and counseled me until they were blue in the face and it has been so appreciated. I still sort of don't know how to be single. I've tried going on some dates just to help myself move on, but it just feels so pointless. I'm ready for the real deal and I'm ready to be appreciated and supported by someone who's all in (Thanks new Gilmore Girls obsession), and to give that to a partner in return. All of this dating BS is horrific and I just can't seem to let go and have a good time. It's hard to even have fun because I don't want to just "have fun." I want something real. It's a vicious cycle of convincing myself to take a chance, followed by a sadness spiral that I'll never find what I'm looking for, followed by telling myself not to look and just let things happen, followed by crippling loneliness. The hole in my heart makes me feel like someone died. I guess the person I thought my boyfriend was did die when he let me down. I know that seems over dramatic but that's just how it feels right now. Going from feeling like you're finally about to take that next big step with someone to losing them and having them tell you all your failings have made you less attractive to them is a real shock to the system. I know I'm strong and I can get over anything, but this really does feel like an insurmountable tragedy. I don't know how to go on. I suppose only time will help heal that.

I know this is post is super emo, but it's really just meant to honestly share with you all what my deteriorating mental state has become. I'm not that girl who ran a half marathon right now. I'm not Rainbow Dash. I'm not the elf rogue. I'm not any of those strong people I was transforming myself into for so long and it hurts so much to see myself in such a horrible light. I feel confused and lost. I feel restless. I feel like the problems won't go away. I just want to do something crazy and pick up my life and move across the country to LA or Seattle and just start over. In my heart, I know I'd just be trying to run away from what's gotten lodged inside me- which you can't run from anyways because it's an inside problem. Also bills. Jesus. New York is SO EXPENSIVE. I think sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can get your ass in gear to make good choices and that's sort of what this ticking down of events felt like. The contrast of seeing a better life for myself creatively mingled with the grief from the loss of someone who I thought was my biggest champion and the slow deterioration of my health is just crushing me and I need to get myself back in order. There are things you can't control in life and there are things you can battle. I chose my health long ago and I'm realizing that no matter what, I can keep choosing it, and in fact, I'll have to keep choosing it.

I started at New York Comic Con by focusing not a cosplay character who I felt would help me physically, but one who would help me mentally. I had to start getting myself out of the dumps. I chose to work on Pinkie Pie because I needed desperately to feel happy during my first cosplay/con experience since losing my boyfriend and cosplay partner in crime. It definitely wasn't my best received costume, but it is a start. I made a lot of people smile, true to Pinkie's style, and I discovered that despite my inner pain, I could still have fun, which was a big relief in a lot of ways. I still missed my ex, but I relearned how to experience a convention with friends and even by myself from time to time. It wasn't so bad. I saw a lot of really cool things and all the other costume artisans inspired me to step up my game for PAX East. I haven't made any final decisions on what I'm doing, but it may be Star Wars themed. More on that later.

For now, one hoof at a time.

Day 4 Food Log
Eggs, Bacon, Onion, Peppers, Mushrooms
Espresso, Almond Milk, Stevia

Chicken
Sautéed Onion, Peppers, Mushrooms
Salad
Balsamic Vinegar and Olive Oil.

Pistachio, Cranberry, Agave bar
Banana

Some: Learning The Art of Moderation

I have a really hard time with moderation. I get addicted to awesome things really easily. Sue me. It's been an issue my entire life. I lived and breathed Star Wars and musical theater growing up. I was so obsessed with that stuff that I probably wouldn't have had time to be obsessed with video games too. I was too busy creating "dream" ballets to John William's score followed by nightly sing alongs to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Eventually, I did manage to get addicted to video games. MMO's were my biggest weakness- the sense of achievement, the teamwork, the far flung adventures in awe inspiring landscapes filled with rich lore- it was an absolute siren song sung in pixels. They made it easy to escape into an imaginary world where my daring heroics and skill in combat melted my real problems into nothing.

Well, that was the case as long as I stayed logged in. Once I logged out, I had to face a very different reality- one in which I was extremely sedentary and uncomfortably overweight with an appallingly low self image.

One of the biggest factors in my quest for better health was that when I first started my diet/work out regimen, I completely eliminated video games because I know that once I start, I don't stop and I didn't want to let their "derailing" quality keep me from making good on my promise to myself to adopt new habits.

About three or four months into my journey, Guild Wars 2 came out and all my friends were rabidly devouring its content. I decided that given my good behavior, I would buy it and give it a try. I enjoyed it quite a bit, but playing this game was the first time that something felt off. I just couldn't get into the same flow I used to hit. The achievements and leveling were nice, but not as satisfying as they once were. After a few months, I completely lost interest.

Then along came my beautiful new desktop computer and my gal bladder surgery. Finally, I had an excuse to sit down and sink my teeth into Skyrim. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful game with a huge amount of scope, but I found I could only play for a few hours before I just had to step away. I never used to get that feeling. I used to have to tear myself away from the screen.

The more active and healthy I got, the less I could stomach just sitting still in front of the computer for hours on end. In a way, I shouldn't complain because it's probably a good thing that I don't feel able to "binge-game" anymore. However, this issue has escalated to a new level.

I think I'm developing an odd aversion to playing video games at all.

Photo credit: http://www.dontgiveaeff.com

It hit me around the time I went to PAX East this past year. I realized that I barely knew about or had any interest in any of the games on the show floor. I used to be in the know about all the new releases and always had my eye on the next game I wanted to try. This year, there were only one or two games I even remotely cared about.

On that same trip, my friend Kenny mentioned that he was really happy for me when it came to my success with weight loss but that he missed gaming with me. It made me really think about the last time I'd played a video game. Part of me felt like my very geekitude was being brought into question and I was sort of offended, but there was truth in what he'd said. I'd played Castle Crashers with my boyfriend and I'd watched him play through Spec Ops and a few other things, but I hadn't been in control of an immersive gaming experience in almost six months at that point. I hadn't even played through some of the downloadable content for some of my favorite titles.

No problem, I thought to myself. I'll pick up Skyrim again when I get home.

Only I didn't.  

Believe me, I tried. I've literally sat down at my computer ready for a gaming bender with my mouse poised over the program launcher, but I'll find any reason not to select it. 

I have to work on cosplay.

I have to do my cooking for the week.

I have to clean my room.

I have to write my blog.

I have to check my social media sites.

I have to make notes on my web series.

I have to feed my cat (I don't have a cat, but damn it, I'll make that excuse anyways). 

While I was making these excuses, my Blizzard account got hacked and stollen and I still haven't gotten it back. I don't want to lose it. I feel protective of my countless World of Warcraft toons, 60,000 gold,  and my Diablo III Monk, but something is keeping me from going after the crooks who took it. I might think panda monks are lame, but I still want the opportunity to play one if I want! 

Recently, I adopted a Primal diet- something I'd resisted forever and a day because I just didn't understand how not calorie counting and using your "best judgement" to limit your intake of grains, dairy, and legumes (which are completely prohibited by the Paleo diet) could ever work. I googled it a billion times to see exactly how much of those items were allowed. Everything just said "some." I asked people who followed a Primal lifestyle, "How much is some?"

"However much you feel is appropriate for you," They'd respond. 

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN! HOW IS THAT HELPFUL?" I collapsed in on myself like a dying star. 

I was looking for structure and exactitude, which had been a huge part of following the Nutrisystem guidelines, but which also was driving me slowly insane. 

Imagine counting every calorie you put in your body religiously for a whole year. Imagine fretting about whether or not you've burned enough for the day and worrying about when you're going to fit in the early morning workout or whether you should go out with your friends because they're going for ice cream after the activity. It's grueling and sometimes lonely. It's totally necessary to go through the process when you're teaching yourself a new way to live, but it can go too far. 

In practice, while I fully intended on living Primal, I've actually ended up living Paleo partially because I can't take the pressure of "some," but also because I'm finding that I do have a bit of a gluten allergy (CURSE YOU AND YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL, BAKED GOODS) and maybe a little lactose intolerance too (/cry Icecream).  I am getting used to this whole "controlling your own sense of moderation thing" in terms of realizing when I'm full so that I stop eating. I've been limiting nuts, sweet potatoes, and fruit since I am still working on weight loss, so those are the only items I measure or weigh when I consume them. I will say that being full all the time has drastically improved my moods and not having to log everything I put in my mouth every day has really taken some of the pressure off. To me, it's worth eschewing those three food groups because I got my sanity back.

Yet, there are free days every so often where I go a little wild. I eat some ice cream or pizza. I have a piece of candy and BANG. The rest of that 24 hour period is cats and dogs, living together, mass hysteria... in my mouth.

That's what she said.

What I'm trying to say is that because I've spent the last year taking control of every aspect of my life that was in excess, I'm now finding it hard to enjoy "some" of the things that I still want to keep in my life without letting them take over my life. 

With all this swimming around in my head, it dawned on me the other day that the reason I haven't been able to sit down and become immersed in a video game is that I'm terrified that I'll actually do it or even worse, I'll do it forever and lose all the progress I've made! I wish this was one of those blog entries with a wonderful solution all locked up in a pretty blue Tardis, but it's not. I'm still figuring this out. If it were as easy as, "I don't really want to game anymore" or "I could die happy if I never ate chocolate again," the problem would be solved, but life isn't that easy. Sadly we don't just get ourselves addicted to stuff that's not only awesome, but awesome for us. We all have to contend with "some" things that are only good for us in moderation. 

I'm haven't been completely unsuccessful at moderating my behavior. My free days are planned. I set them ahead of time and when they're over, they don't hang around (and despite being truly overindulgent 24 hour affairs. My only rule for now is that I stop eating if I feel sick or the food stops tasting like anything). I've adopted a Paleo diet so that I can stay sanely moderated most of the time without having to do so much math. I've found an exercise routine that I like (so I don't give up on it) and that I can vary in case of bad weather or a weirdly scheduled day. I make sure I have one or two days of rest a week so that I don't put too much pressure on myself or my body. I downloaded Star Trek Online because it was free and I was hoping that my new love of Star Trek would help me get into it. I started playing the new Tomb Raider with my room mate (we trade the controller after each failed quicktime event). I've only managed about 3 hours of game time in the last week, but at least it's something. This is all progress, but I'm still not where I'd ultimately like to be. I want to enjoy things that I love without fearing them or stressing out over them.

So, I'm putting this question out there to all of you! How do you moderate your food, gaming, hobby, passions while remaining on track? Obviously willpower is the biggest factor, but I know you guys are smart! I KNOW YOU HAVE SECRETS. Please don't tell me the Princess is in another castle. I know if we put our heads together we can think of some great ways to moderate our behavior without having a personality where fun goes to die. 

So while you do my work for me and start answering that question, I'm going to go sit in front of my awesome customized gaming computer and try to get myself to launch Skyrim because it's my day off, I'm sick, it's raining, and I deserve a little R & R after the long week I've had. I'll let you know how far I get.

My Little Pony: Cosplay Is Magic

I've posted a lot of progress pictures for the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Rainbow Dash and Soarin cosplay I created for my boyfriend and me to wear to PAX East and BronyCon this year, but I haven't really put up a ton of pictures of the finished product. This is my second cosplay ever and I learned a lot during the process, including how to embroider and how to use the character I was portraying as inspiration for my workout routine. 

The reason I was holding off on posting photos is that while we were at the con, we managed to do a photo shoot with a professional photographer, Ger Tysk from Chou-wa Photography. My friends Stephanie and Emily had already arranged shoots for their costumes and raved about how fun she was to work with, plus she was only asking $15 dollars per person to do the shoot. When you've spent over 40 hours of work and a fair amount of money on building a costume (and who knows how many hours sweating at the gym to look good in it!), it's natural to want to celebrate the finished product with good photos to commemorate the occasion. This seemed like the perfect way to do it! She was a pleasure to work with and she's currently working on a photobook called Breaking All the Rules: Cosplay and the Art of Self Expression. You should definitely check out her page and see if she's headed to a convention near you!

When I chose Rainbow Dash, I didn't know if I could pull off the costume. I had done Appa from Avatar: The Last Airbender at New York Comic Con because he was a giant sky bison and I figured the internet couldn't lampoon me for that choice as an overweight lady. Doing Rainbow Dash, a character who's been done by extremely fit and talented cosplayers like Jessica Nigri amongst others AND is known for being the "jock" character on the show is risky because your body is a part of your success. Sadly, if you can't "embody" the character then it's almost like you didn't make the costume at all. I'm sure there are a lot of people who disagree with that, but I think it holds true (even though I don't like saying it). I do think that first and foremost, cosplay is something you should do for yourself and if something makes you happy, then you should absolutely go for it. Personally, I know that feeling like I can't pull something off makes me more miserable than proud, no matter how hard I worked on a costume. 

When it came to Rainbow Dash, I just knew I loved the character enough to challenge myself all the way to the finish line. I made the choice in October and I had until the end of March to see it through. I had no idea if I'd be satisfied with my physical progress. Despite my fitness improvements, the support of my friends, and my pride in the costuming I'd done, I was even worried while I was getting into the costume and even at times while I was at the convention. That's not to say I didn't enjoy myself. I just have a habit of seeing my flaws. It's one of the things that landed me in this mess with my body in the first place. I'm really hard on myself and I can be cruel to the point of being crippling to my own development as a person and as an athlete.

It wasn't until I saw these pictures that I understood my success. Not only do I feel great about the way I look in them, but I see the fun in my eyes and in the brightness of the costumes. I can feel the love that my boyfriend and I have for these characters and for each other. I see the whole journey. I feel the ache in my legs after a long run, something I never would have done were it not for Rainbow Dash. I see the athlete I didn't think I could live up to. I'm proud that I didn't adjust the costume to my body, but that I worked on my body to fit the character and to better myself. I see myself energized after a week of finally getting all the food I was supposed to as opposed to abusing myself by depriving it. I can say that I feel beautiful when I look at those photos and that I actually believe it- hell, I can say I'm AWESOME and believe it! I know I'm working and I have every intention of continuing this journey for the rest of my life, but I can say that seeing these pictures makes me proud of where I am now.

Some days, that has to be enough. 

So without further ado, here are the pictures of Rainbow Dash and Soarin, shippin' it up at PAX East 2013. 

Look out for us at BronyCon in August because we're going to wear the costumes again! It's kind of nice not worrying about building a whole new costume, but I'm sure if I keep progressing like I have that I'll have to do a little "refitting." Hell, that's a problem I'm ok with having. Next on the docket? Hitting my goal weight and tackling the Xena costume I've always wanted to do.

My Special Somepony!

This past weekend was spent on the final preparations for PAX East. I use costumes and events like this to mark weight loss goals and I'm really excited about this one since not only have I already surpassed my milestone goal of losing 88 lbs, but also because my boyfriend, Brandon, is going to participate in this cosplay event with me. I've been hard at work crafting and sewing our costumes and super anxious to see the whole thing come together. Brandon is leaving for spring break and meeting me in Boston for the convention, so I wanted to make sure he tried everything on in case anything needed to be adjusted.

As an actor, I'm used to assuming roles, playing make believe and transforming myself physically, but this is Brandon's first time cosplaying at a fan convention and I wanted to make sure he was as excited and happy as possible. When he finally put everything on, he just lit up! It was like he walked right out of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and into my living room. He was glowing and grinning from ear to ear. It was truly adorable and not only was I so incredibly proud and happy with my handiwork, but I found it so rewarding to give him the ability to experience one of my favorite aspects of conventions. 

You see, Brandon has really been there for me during this journey. He's dealt with my obsessions over calorie counting, my anxiety over not being able to constantly indulge in comfort food, my plateaus, my gains, and my victories. He's been the one to talk me through a lot of the inner turmoil I've had as my body changed, I saw myself differently, and I began to be treated differently by people out in the world. I think we all need people like that in order to process our changes and find lasting success.

I've read so many blogs and forum posts about couples, family members or close friends wherein one person is trying to get healthy and the other person isn't. Brandon is certainly supportive of my quest and aware of my choices, but I don't expect him to make the same ones in order to make me comfortable. Sometimes the posts I read are positive, but a majority of the time they describe sad tales of sabotage, passive aggression, and constant frustration that ultimate derails the person working on their health or causes them to slow their progress.

While I do believe in accepting that we cannot control every variable around us (i.e. expect other people in our lives to eat what we eat, ban all goodies from the house, workout all the time), I do think we all owe it to ourselves to create an environment that's conducive to our success. If what I'm describing sounds all too familiar, I really urge you to sit down with anyone who is causing this kind of strife and address it. Explain that you don't expect them to go through it step by step the way you are, but that you do expect them not to actively make it harder on you. If they still don't get it, go to that uncomfortable, vulnerable place and tell them WHY it's so important to you that you succeed. If they have any sense of empathy at all, they'll begin to understand how big a deal this is to you. 

The hardest thing to accept is that some people are just toxic. If you go through all of that conflict resolution and the person on the other side of the table remains defensive, negative, or unsympathetic, then you need to accept that he/she is not someone you can be around if you really care about your health. That might be easier said than done, but I truly believe it to be the case. When it comes to the behavior of others, the one thing you CAN control is whether or not you're putting yourself at risk by subjecting yourself their presence. That can make or break your success. We spend every day making choices about our health and this one is just as important. Make sure that everyone around you has your back and your best interests in mind.

I'm certainly glad to have my Special Somepony in my life because I know he's a big part of why I've been so strong throughout this experience and I hope he knows I don't take any of his efforts for granted. Sometimes it's nice to do something that let's the person/people who support you know just how much they mean to you. whether that means making them a bacon cheeseburger even though you can't have one or transforming them into pony from a children's cartoon about friendship and magic.

Becoming a Superhero

I've found weight harder and harder to drop as I lose more and more. It's become increasingly important to me to measure my progress not just by pounds dropped, but by changes accomplished. Sometimes that's weight loss, but other times that's progress with fitness, personal outlook, or life accomplishments. I usually only post on weigh-in days, but because I'm trying to see this as more than numbers on a scale, I'm going to try posting on days that aren't weigh-ins as well. 

I get asked for weight loss advice both by people in my life and on forums who are looking for faster results or are getting frustrated with their progress, which I admit I have a problem with myself. It seems like we're all looking for this magical "I WIN" button. Sorry, guys. That doesn't exist, not even with Nutrisystem. There's no magic involved. I view my Nutrisystem program is more like a 1-up or power boost. It helps you, but finishing the level and wining the game is ultimately up to you and the skills you acquire along the way. So even though I'm frustrated with my plateau right now and I sometimes gain weight for seemingly NO reason despite plenty of exercise and great focus on my diet, I have to be happy and proud of sticking to my guns and choosing health. The rest will follow. 

So, my current project is to build two cosplays for PAX East, a gaming convention I'm going to in March. It's really fun and it's something I never did before I started to lose weight because I was afraid to be labeled the "fat" version of a character I loved. My first cosplay as Appa from Avatar: The Last Airbender was so empowering and well received that I decided to do another one for this convention in March. My boyfriend decided he wanted in on the action, so we chose characters from one of our favorite shows, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Yes, my BOYFRIEND chose that. <3 We both love Rainbow Dash so I'm becoming her (cause she's 20% cooler!) while he'll be taking on Soarin, one of the Wonderbolts (think: the Blue Angels if they were pegasi). 

Obviously, we're not ponies. I know. SHOCKING! The artistry and fun of these costumes is figuring out how to anthropomorphize these characters and turn them into humans. We're doing that through mimicing the color palettes, personality references through clothing choice, and in the case of these two fine ponies, ears and wings! Since they're both stunt fliers, we'll be wearing aviator goggles. My boyfriend is wearing a blue hoodie, upon which I'll be sewing yellow details to reflect Soarin's flight suite and "cutie mark" (the mark all ponies have on their rumps!). He's wearing jeans and of course white wings with white pony ears.

When it comes to "becoming" Rainbow Dash, I realized I was going to be faced with physically embodying some of her really intimidating character traits. She's loyal to a fault when it comes to her friends (something I admire and identify with. That would be easy for me), very self confident (hilariously pompous at times), and very athletic and sporty (competing in stunt flying competitions and saving the day through physical bravery). Out of those three things, I see myself exhibiting only one of those traits. Every time I designed the costume for her, I would shy away from wearing athletic shorts or a tight T-shirt with nothing covering my arms, but every time I designed the costume with jeans and a sporty sweatshirt, I just knew it wasn't the character. It didn't feel like Dash. It felt like Anne wearing a Dash wig and some rainbow stuff. In my heart, I feel like she's not afraid to show herself off. She's a runner with flashy apparel and a devil may care attitude and THAT is what I'm going to take on. This pony has spunk! She's not gonna want to hide herself under a hoodie and jeans. She's PROUD of who she is, so why can't I be? Rather than fit the character to me, I need to fit myself to the character so that I can do her justice and wear what she would wear. I don't want to look bad, but she's a sporty adorable pony who likes to show off and if I want to be her for three days, I need to accept that part of her.

So rather than allow myself to get more and more frustrated, this week I finally decided to face the problem head on, just like Dashie would do! I am going to religiously adopt those two character traits (sportiness and self confidence) that I struggle with from now until March 22, when we go to the convention. Who knows, something might just stick!

That means going to the gym more than I was and sticking 100% to my Nutrisystem guidelines unless I have a REALLY good reason not to. I have been trying to go to the gym 4 times a week, but if I want to feel like I've done everything I can to look great and feel great for the con... or as I also like to put it, feel like I DESERVE to represent Rainbow Dash, I'm going to increase the intensity and frequency of my work-outs. It's slow season for work for me, so I have plenty of time to get to the gym and NO EXCUSE not to make the most of it. Rainbow Dash is also VERY competitive and she feels like she's the best person in the room when it comes to almost everything. She never questions herself. Because of that, I'm attending group fitness classes, like yoga and Zumba, at least 2 times a week on top of my regular workouts. I'm not doing it because I want to be better than everyone else, but because I need to put myself in situations where I don't constantly compare myself NEGATIVELY to other people at the gym. I've had a lot of athletic friends throughout the years and I've always been the slowest, the fattest, and the worst at everything. So I'm going to tackle those icky feelings of inadequacy when faced with physical trials head on. Whenever I find myself saying, "I can't do this like that person is doing it," I try to say, "but I am doing something."

Similarly, I find that I do a lot of negative self-talk. I look in the mirror and I punish myself mentally and verbally for being fat/having saggy arms/taking so long to get my life in order/etc. I'm sure that's something we can all identify with and it's a really hard habit to break. So, when I say those things, I have my friends call me on it and I try to call myself on it and then I (very important that it's me and not someone else) will force myself to say something positive about myself. It seems really stupid and it's really hard, BUT it works and hopefully I'll start to say/believe more positive things about myself than negative things. 

So, long story short, I'm owning my progress, both as a person and as a pony. HA! In the spirit of accepting my progress and not constantly looking for product, here's a picture of my costume in progress. The wig still needs to be styled and I have a lot of detail work to finish on the shirt and the rest of the costume, but it IS starting to come together and I know I'll be able to stand proudly in my costume at PAX East as the fastest filly in Equestria! Heehee! :) 

So if you want, leave a comment with a hero/heroine that you've always admired and think about spending the next few months trying to adopt the things about them that you love, but would like to see more of in yourself. I'll cheer you on the whole way! If you're looking for more inspiration, there was a great X-men themed post on Nerdfitness today to help get you started!

From Disappointment to Celebration

Well, my weigh-in this week was a little disappointing at first glance. I was hoping for a two pound loss considering how on top of my eating I was (guys i resisted soooo many tasty treats with my friends. Cupcakes and hot chocolate to name a few.). I feel like I might be plateauing a little bit after my crazy losses following my surgery last month. Then again I also started taking birth control again, so perhaps that's part of it. Meh.

At any rate, I did notice some positives this week! 

Firstly, I finally went shopping for new clothes! Low and behold, I was a medium and I even bought one small item (WHAT THE WHAT?), so that was very exciting. It's also pretty amazing to see people react to my new wardrobe. Now that my clothes fit, my weight loss is even more noticeable. I bought jeans for the first time in years too. Oh! AND! I dug through my closet and found my high school winter coat, which now FITS ME! I can finally stop looking like a deflated clown in a million layers and wear clothes that fit. My friend Emily said it best when she giggled, "Oh Anne, you look like a real person now!" I don't think she was implying that being fat meant that I wasn't a real person. It's just that I've been looking super schlubby in my oversized clothes for a while now and now I don't stick out for all the wrong reasons. :) 

Second, my boyfriend is back in town. His reaction to my loss over the last month was pretty intense. He hadn't seen me since after my surgery so the last time we were together I was at least ten pounds heavier and could barely move. He's proud of my accomplishments and very supportive. He won't stop picking me up and carrying me places which is weird for me because I always feel like surely I much be crushing him, but apparently not! It's been a bit of a love fest ever since his return. <3

I've also started putting together our costumes for PAX East. We did a lot of shopping for base items this week and I'm sure we'll be picking up other little things along the way. Now I need to go get some fabric so I can start sewing on the details!

So that was my week. Hopefully I'll be able to hit the gym hard and stick with the eating program and find myself BELOW 177, which apparently is the hardest thing ever. 

My First Gain: My Fat Is Trolling Me

Well today was my first weigh-in day where I gained since starting this program 7 months ago. I only gained 1.2 lbs, but if I had lost that much, it would seem significant, so it certainly doesn't seem like a victory week. 

Obviously it's disappointing but I'm not really surprised after the week I had. I'm coming off a few weeks of pretty major loss following my surgery and I gave myself a free day on Monday night to enjoy treats at our New Years party- one of my three indulgence days for the holiday season. I didn't realize it would go on for two whole days, so I didn't pack extra Nutrisystem food like I normally would when I go to stay at a friend's house. I had to wing it on a day where I wasn't able to be particularly active and though I did my best, I certainly got off track and I don't think I every quite recovered during the course of the week. Sadly, my gym was also closed for a few days following that AND I had my last ERCP procedure for my gallbladder situation so the doctor recommended that I didn't do anything strenuous. Then I had four days of work, giving walking tours all day long (which was actually great because I needed to get more active). Anyways, those are all EXCUSES- I could have gotten off my ass and gone for a walk even if I couldn't go to the gym. I didn't. It was my choices that got me here. I could spend more time beating myself up, but I won't. Today is a new day and it's time to hit the ground running. It's time to stick 100% to the plan and get the the gym at least 4 days this week.

Conversely, there were a few positives to the week. 

I tackled my boredom with frozen veggies by putting together a huge salad kit for the next five days. I've been going the frozen route because the small grocery store near me really doesn't have great produce and walking to the far away one (and of course walking back with heavy shopping bags) is pretty awful. So I decided it would be worth it if I bought enough salad "fixins" for about five days. I tossed the baby romaine salad with peppers, carrots, and cucumbers. Then I put them into super fresh-keeping tupperware containers and dish out my portions of veggies and measure out the low fat dressing at meal time. We'll see how it goes this week, but so far, it's amazing. I look forward to the fresh salads more than I do the ACTUAL Nutrisystem dinners! It's my favorite part of the day. SALAD IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE DAY?! Who am I? :)

I got to go back to work this week, which is taking some monetary stress off my shoulders. Even though it's our slow season for tours, I'm just happy that even a LITTLE money is going into my account. I've been living pretty frugally and will continue to do so because I have a small vacation to fund in March. I'm going to PAX East, a gaming convention, and I'm going with my boyfriend and a bunch of friends. 

The convention marks one of my mini weightloss goals (-88 lbs by March 22) and my second cosplay attempt. This time, my boyfriend is joining me in costume to support my efforts (what a trooper!), and we're going as Rainbow Dash, and Soarin the Wonderbolt from "My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic." Weirdest part: That was his choice! Heeehehehehehe. That's right, folks. I'm in dating a Brony. This week, we kicked it into high gear with building our costumes. I have a lot of sewing to do and because this costume is more tailored than my last one, I have to wait until closer to the event to start on the clothing aspects of mine or I'll be swimming in it. So, I'm starting by sewing his, ordering my prescription pink contacts, and building all the details like aviator goggles, our pegasus wings, and my custom painted rainbow sneakers with LED rainbow laces. 

Lastly, I'm currently watching The Biggest Loser and I'm celebrating because for the first time, I'm watching it without an iota of fear. I used to feel inspired by the show, but in the back of my head, when the contestants struggled, I always panicked a little because I knew I had yet to face my own demons on the scale, in the gym, and at the table. Now I am transforming myself and I am focusing more on the commonalities between myself and the folks who are hard at work on the show. So for fun, I'm tracking my weightloss along with the show in a personal mini challenge to see how much I can lose during the course of the season. It's nice because the episodes come out on Hulu on my weigh in day so I can write my blog whilst watching the show. So my first Biggest Loser weigh-in is: 178.8 lbs. We'll see how it goes next week!