What a Difference a Year Makes! Huzzah!

Hello slayers! I've finally returned from three weeks of adventures across the pond in England and while it was wonderful and I gave myself a vacation pass to eat what I wanted, it's time to get back to reality, not to mention the gym and the kitchen!

But! Not without a pit stop at ye olde New York Renaissance Faire! This a yearly tradition and last year I was 20 lbs down from my initial weight when I attended. While I was there I really did my best to eat healthy and stuck to fruit and cheese. I didn't really partake in faire treats and all I've dreamed of  is to have a day, now that I'm confident in my ability to return to my plan afterwards, where I could really enjoy some of the things I used to AND, of course, upgrade my faire garb. I've lost 100 lbs and last year, my garb was laced all the way. I'm swimming in it now! 

Like everything, it's important to have a plan. I planned on two meals, since I was staying late to see my best friend Emily (the Harley to my Ivy!), who is performing the role of Maid Marian this year, after the faire was done. I knew off the bat that this would not be a paleo day, but that I didn't want to spend a huge amount of money on random food grazing. I decided I would have two drinks and one desert. I had my eye on the pulled pork BBQ sandwich because that's what I've lusted after since last year, but found once I got there that it just seemed like way too much for me. I was really on the go because I wanted to be able to mosey around and catch all of Emily's scenes, not to mention attend to my garb needs. I ended up choosing a chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato for lunch. By dinner, I was exhausted and hot and when I looked at the pub menu, the only thing that spoke to me was a caesar salad. Most healthy salad? No. But it wasn't a burger or chicken tenders with fries, so a healthy huzzah was raised! 

For my drinks I had an apple cider and half of the  shire's equivalent of a mocha frappuccino. For my treat, I shared a slice of cheesecake on a stick with my boyfriend. All of it was delicious and I really only ate when I was hungry or needed a refresher. Am I saying it was the healthiest day of my life? No, but I am fascinated that when faced with the ability to eat whatever I wanted, I shared a lot of stuff that was rich and I made better choices than I'd planned for. 

One of the first things I did was spend an exorbitant sum of money on new garb. Just to give you an idea, over the years I've spent about 500+ on building my Ren Faire costume. I budgeted all year for a similar expenditure so that I wouldn't bankrupt myself when the time came. Just like planning for food, I had a plan for garb. Last year, a friend of mine linked me a Son of Sandlar piece called "the huntress." While expensive, it was beautiful and everything I've ever dreamed of when it came to embodying my favorite fantasy archetype, an elf rogue. I played one in WoW and I almost always gravitate towards playing rogues in table top games. As far as my own physicality, I could never pull off a rogue costume before because elves are generally more lithe than I was and certainly at my weight, I wasn't going to look like I belonged on the field of battle. The first time someone told me I had elfin features during this weight loss journey, I squeed. It was time to enter the fray at long last and after a year of saving, I was finally able to put together an elf rogue costume.

I bought some cheap boots ($30 on sale at some hole in the wall shop in Greenwich Village) and I used my pixie top from Moresca. I had that from my old garb and the size didn't really matter because it was just going to go under a bodice. I had a dagger from a previous visit to the fair and my father bought me a dagger in Tintagel on our visit to England. Dual wielding FTW! The skirt was bought at Urban Outfitters when I was trying to lose weight in college. All that I needed to buy at the faire was "the huntress" and some elf ears.

As soon as I got fit for the bodice, I felt amazing! It was a dream come true! It has a hood and beautiful gold lining and it went really well with my woodland elf circlet from my former costume. The quality and craftsmanship are evident and the leather is treated so that it can get wet. I got to test it out because there was some light drizzling this year. I just put up my hood like a BA! Emily, ahem, Maid Marian swung by the booth to celebrate. After lunch, I got my elf ears custom painted for me and before I knew it, I was a living legend! My boyfriend was kind enough to indulge me in a short woodland photoshoot and we captured a few great images so I got to really commemorate the ocassion in an ideal setting (aka, not in front of my mirror at home with a mess strewn about the floor behind me). 

The whole day I walked taller (maybe just in my head because I'm only 5 feet tall in reality...). I was transported by my costuming efforts, and of course by the performances of the talented actors who populate the village of Sterling. I was so proud of Emily for realizing her dream of working at the faire. She was wonderful and I know she is enjoying the hell out of the whole experience. She lights up the shire every weekend, so if you haven't made the journey out to Tuxedo, DO IT NOW. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to perform alongside these fine folks! The sky's the limit.

My life is so different now. It doesn't mean that I can't enjoy some great food from time to time or take a day off from the gym to get to the ren faire for the opening ceremonies, but it means that I tend to make very different choices most of the time and I don't feel like I HAVE to make them. I actively want to. Seeing my fantasies realized made me aware that anything is within my grasp. I never would have thought his transformation would have been possible a year ago. I know that's corny but I didn't know if I'd be able to keep up my restrictive and exhausting health regime. It felt like prison. Now, I really want to make the better choices. Perhaps it's weird to most people who want to look better for their wedding or for work, but the days when I get to live out my fantasies at the faire or show off a cosplay with confidence at a convention are a huge part of why I'm motivated to keep working on this change. I don't care that some people think it's weird as hell or a waste of money and time. It's what makes me happy and if it's what makes me healthy, that's all to the benefit!

So what motivates you, slayers? I'd love to hear about your milestones and the things that keep your head in the game whether it's just being able to fit into your favorite pair of jeans, or making your own set of N7 armor. Please share your thoughts in the comments!

100 lbs Lost

Lately, my points of view about fitness and nutrition have been shifting. I'm far more focused on eating enough, making sure I'm in control of my choices, and paying more attention to how I look, what my measurements are, and how I feel than what the scale is telling me. It's really hard to let go of those "number" goals because they do give you something specific to work towards.

However, the BMI scale, is a little skewed. It's a bell curve so if you are very tall or very short (like me), the weight it wants you to be is sometimes a little off. If you're average height, the readings will be much more realistic, however, it doesn't account for muscle mass. There are professional athletes who are "obese" according to the BMI scale. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Have MANY ways of measuring your progress because they all have their pros and cons.

All that being said, I did hit a really important milestone on the scale recently. I've officially lost 100 lbs. I couldn't believe it when I looked down and saw the number. It was the complete opposite of the sinking feeling I felt at the beginning of this journey when I had to come to terms with where I was starting. I was completely elated and I walked taller for the rest of the day.

This event coincided with a huge non-scale victory. I have a huge family event coming up and I had to go shopping for several nice/semi-formal dresses to wear. I haven't seen my dad's side of the family or been home to Chicago in over a year. It will be like showing up as a different person. When I see people I haven't seen in a while, I sort of feel like I'm wearing my own skin as a costume. It's always a topic of conversation (which I've become ok with), but there's always a dicotomy going on inside me because I know I've changed, but I don't want to feel like I'm throwing away the person I was before. It's hard to really see myself as the new me from underneath my skin because I've been here the whole time. It always cracks me up when my friends see me after a week and they're all, "Dude, you look even smaller than the last time I saw you!" 

I think there's always a certain amount of tough self criticism whether you've lost weight or you just struggle with how you see yourself. It's not that I can't see any change, it's just that I don't see it as extremely as the other people in my life, plus I'm still really self conscious about sagging skin and the remaining plumpness. Recently, this video from Dove has been making the rounds on the interwebs. A sketch artist draws two versions of each woman featured in the video, one as described by the woman herself, and another as described by a random person who has just met them for the first time. I wanted to include it here because I think it's important to keep our demon's at bay when we embark on these major metamorphic journeys. Easier said than done, but watch it!

Meanwhile, back at Macy's: My awesome and VERY generous mom offered to treat me to some nice clothes so I could put my "new and improved" best foot forward. I took my best friend, Emily with me because I'm ABSOLUTELY hopeless when it comes to fashion. Give me a geeky t-shirt and jeans and I'm golden! This girl is my rock and always the Harley Quinn to my Poison Ivy on these little shopping adventures. Five months ago I had to get a dress to sing at a friend's wedding. I was a size 14 and that was so great because it meant I was out of the plus sizes for the first time in years. I decided to try a size 12 tonight because that's what I fit into at work when I was getting new dress pants for my uniform a few weeks ago. Emily was doubtful about that because she thinks our work pants run small, but we tried it. 

Too big. 

We tried a 10. 

Too big. 

On it went till I was wearing a size six. You'll notice I'm a bit misty eyed in the photo because as soon as it zipped, I began to bawl. This huge feeling just washed over me and as the energy of the moment coursed through me, it sought release. I wasn't sad. They were tears of joy. I've never been in this size before. Ever. Hell, I've never been this fit in my life. I've never been this healthy. I've never been surrounded by so much love and support and I've never been so proud to live in my own skin.

Emily and my boyfriend Brandon have been so supportive of me throughout this metamorphosis. Both of them have been my confidants. Before I post anything very raw or emotional on the blog, I always talk about it with them first to get my head on straight. I'm not always easy to deal with. There are times when I've been a complete MESS or I've lashed out because the stress of waging constant willpower war amidst all the other distractions in my world has left me so raw that the slightest thing will set me off. They have born the treacherous waves of my emotions, the onslaught of my self doubt, and my fears of losing control with open hearts and warm hugs. That's true love and I thank my lucky stars that I have that surrounding me every day. I'm at a distinct advantage because of it.

I've had a lot of overwhelming experiences in dressing rooms and most of them have been negative. I've always hated looking at myself in the mirror and even though my mom always did her best to help me hide my flaws when we went shopping, that's what it was always about. There were always alterations and letting pants out and hemming "tall person clothes" because I couldn't fit into the regular sizes in the kid's section. The money and the time she spent on trying to make me look at feel good must have been astronomical. I feel so much guilt about it now because I know she must have felt like I was throwing it back in her face by not doing anything to change my unhealthy habits. I must have seemed so ungrateful. 

I never fit into the dresses I wanted to wear. Before this experience, I'd never had the exciting feeling of seeing "the dress" on the hanger, putting it on, and having it fit like it was made for me. I had to work for it- and I MEAN WORK! Haha!

That's why was indescribably special to me to share this moment with Emily because she's been there through it all and she's been so selfless in her support of me. This was something every girl wants to feel and I finally got it with my best gal pal. I'll never forget it. It was... big.

Even better, I got several other dresses to wear for the weekend (MEDIUMS, I'll have you know! /flex!) and some GREAT jewelry to pair with them. 

I had to go with this black slinky dress because I'm in the middle of my Big Damn Hero Challenge and if Zoe gonna wear a dress, she wants "something with some slink."

I also got something with a few ruffles to satiate the Kaylee in me.

I still have a lot of journey to go. and I know that there are demons and dragons to face going forward, but that's why I'm taking this moment to celebrate and remember why it's so important to persevere. 

It's worth it. It's worth every goddamn drop of sweat, every tear, and every hard won willpower war.

So my little Slayers, if you're out there fighting for better health, keep fighting. Your struggles are just blips on the radar if you keep going. If you can do that- putting one foot in front of the other consistently- you can achieve great things in time. 

Shopping in My Closet!

My parents mailed me all my old "thin" clothes. I don't know if you're like me, but as I got heavier, I sorta kept some things around because I hoped one day I'd fit into them again. Whenever I saw them, they depressed the hell out of me so I left them at home when I finally moved out to NYC for good after college. Yet, whenever my parents tried to get rid of them, I'd put up a fight. I guess in my subconscious I really wanted to get healthy. My body and my will just had to catch up!

Well they all arrived yesterday and with very few exceptions, everything fit! I was pretty amazed since I think I always have a sort of distorted view of my own weightloss. It really put everything in perspective when I fit into things I have seen pictures of myself wearing and thought, "If only I could at least fit into that again, I could be a little less FILLED WITH SHAME, DESPAIR, AND SELF LOATHING." Haha! Well, folks! Time to puff out my chest and accept my own AWESOMENESS. Victory lap. Sadly a lot of the stuff is more for summer, but that just means it will fit even better by then! Heehee!

One big thing I noticed is that when I'm thinner, I wear SOOOO MUCH MORE COLOR. 

SPEAKING OF COLOR!!!!!!!

RAINBOW DASH COSTUME UPDATE! My pink contacts came yesterday as well as my shorts. I bought two sizes based on the measurements on the site. I wasn't sure I could fit into the smaller shorts, but it turns out I can! They'll look even better by the end of march, but I'm pretty confident in them looking good. Sidebar: I hope I don't FREEZE TO DEATH IN THIS SKIMPY COSTUME! I have finally assembled enough of the base pieces to line everything up and see how the whole costume is shaping up, so I thought I'd snap a pic and share it here with all of you!

I still need to style the rainbow wig, sew on rainbow details for the shirt and shorts, make the cutie mark design on the shirt, and get rainbow shoelaces! Oh... and make my boyfriend's costume. LOL! I've been working out a ton to prepare for the wearing of this costume, but I'm still thinking of wearing opaque tights or leggings with the shorts (for warmth and also because I don't want my legs to look crappy and ugly!)... but if I did, I'm not sure what color they should be. Anyone have any thoughts based on the palette here? Hopefully I live up to my own expectations! <3

Shopping with Harley Quinn!

Well, not Harley Quinn, but my best friend Emily, who was the Harley Quinn to my Poison Ivy during Halloween 2011. You can see my costume in my "Before Photos." When we were joking about the hilarious Batman episode where Bruce Wayne take them shopping, I never thought I'd end up in one of Gotham's premiere shopping locales just over one year later shopping for a dress to wear to a friend's wedding. I certainly didn't think I'd have lost over 50 lbs. The bride (oddly ALSO named Emily) asked me to sing at the ceremony so I wanted to make sure I looked the part! Her colors are eggplant, sage green, and silver, so I'm really excited that I found this pretty eggplant colored dress so that I won't clash with the wedding party.

We learned many things at Macy's today. Here is a list of lessons from my shopathon and a preview of THE DRESS that I hope will amuse you all. Don't worry, I'll take better pictures at the wedding when I'm completely styled. :)

1. For two geeky gals who hate shopping, we sure are good at it when we're together. We get in, get the job done, get out, and level up. Then on to the next item on the agenda. 
2. If something looks bad, do a silly booty shaking jig until both parties convulse with giggles.
3. If a dress looks like bacon, put it on IMMEDIATELY. You'll hate it, but you'll laugh REALLY hard.
4. If a dress looks like a delicate purple butterfly, put it on IMMEDIATELY. Cause who doesn't want to be a butterfly?
5. If a dress is... um. Purple AT ALL. PUT IT ON IMMEDIATELY. CAUSE PURPLE IS FLATTERING ON ME. However, not all dresses that are purple are flattering on me.
6. Ok, but for realz, now. Apparently I am TOO THIN for the plus size section! Today, after trying on a ton of dresses there, we just could not find anything I wasn't swimming in. Suck it, fat! VICTORY. I am a size 14 for the first time in a really LONG time. Last time I checked my size I was a size 20.
7. The plus size department is like the neglected dreary attic of any department store. Most people have only heard of it in legend. When you arrive, it's practically abandoned. It's dark, unorganized, and no one wants to help you or look at you. The very air tastes like shame and smells of self loathing. All the dresses have giant weird oversized floral prints and strategically placed swathes of sparkles or beading that are supposed to imply that "there's nothing to see here" when really it just creates a beacon that tells the viewer you're desperate for them to be looking ANYWHERE ELSE THAN AT YOUR FLAWS. Weirdly, you don't realize how awful that department is until you are finally able to escape to the normal section- WHICH WE DID! Victory lap, bitches!
8. My best friend will tell you she's bad at shopping but she has great taste and always makes me feel like the best possible version of me! So many of my friends have been supportive of my progress, but she's has been there every step of the way to pick me up when its hard and remind me of my accomplishments along the way. Of course, she was there for me BEFORE I started to lose the weight as well. She is my rock and I love her. ♥

Today was also my weigh-in day! I've lost 52 lbs total so I'm feeling pretty good about that. Hopefully I'll be able to to stay on track during the nuptial celebrations next weekend!