One of the fitness tips I really struggle to accept is "Focus on one goal at a time." Sure, it makes perfect sense: if we have a limited amount of willpower, focusing on changing one small habit before you move to the next is wise, right? Aye aye, Captain Tightpants!
Shiny.
But no matter how logical this is, I haven't figured out how to do it yet. I want to adopt a cleaner diet. I want to get stronger. I want to get faster. I want to learn all sorts of new things that are outside my comfort zone. And on top of all of that, I also want to help others accomplish similar goals, too.
10-4, good buddy!
Slow down there, Bandit! This isn't a mad dash across state lines in a Trans-Am (sadly). Unfortunately, I've been having trouble prioritizing lately. I'm trying to increase my performance at CrossFit (including working towards my first pull up); I want to add krav maga, kung fu, yoga, and parkour classes back into my schedule; I want to get even a little better at both distance running and sprinting; I want to start attending a CrossFit "box" in addition to working out in my garage; I want to do more outdoor activities; I want to pursue coaching certifications and experiences; I want to continue learning how to autocross like the Stig; I want to learn Morse code, Ham radio, and how to tie sailing knots . . . and there are two jobs to go to, house projects to do, trips to plan, meals to cook, adventures to be had, and oh yeah, eight hours of sleep to catch each night. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, and I can guarantee you that I'm not any closer to 90% of these things now than I was last week. It kind of makes me want to check out and not attempt, well, anything.
Some say he read A Storm of Swords in forty minutes and didn't bat an eye at chapter 51.
I don't have an answer on how to balance all that crazy yet. I'm not even ready to say "_____ is my one priority right now, and I'll move on to ________ after that." (I'd tell you that my one priority is to be less stressed, but figuring out how to de-stress is stressful.) I'll try to work on prioritizing and focusing my scattered goals for next week's post. Hopefully.
Until then, I'd love to engage with the Project Reroll community a little bit and hear your stories. Maybe we can inspire each other! I'm new to PR, so, tell me about yourselves. :)
Engage!!
If you want to share your life story, let's hear it! Otherwise, if you don't have the time to write a memoir, I'd love to hear your answers to a few of the following questions . . . (I swear #4&5 aren't me selfishly looking for new suggestions!)
What brought you here? How did you find Anne's amazing story?
Who aren't you? What are you overcoming? What are you leaving in your past to become the new you?
What's your current goal? Cleaner diet? Paying down debt? Strength training? Planning a trip? All of the above?!
What are some of your favorite, motivating songs when you're running/driving/waking up on Mondays?
What's your (current or all-time) favorite video game or novel?
Here, I'll go first:
I found Anne through her interview on Nerd Fitness. She replied to one of my comments about trying the "Zombies, Run!" app, and was super awesome, so I came over to the blog and started devouring the archives. :)
I really struggle with believing in myself. As I work on that, I'm slowly leaving behind the timid, overly cautious girl in my past and becoming stronger and more confident.
Yes. All of the above, and so much more! I swear I'll pick just one. Maybe. I hope.
Titanium (David Guetta ft. Sia) always gets me to run faster; I just discovered Hall of Fame (The Script ft. Will.i.am) from a suggestion on PaleOMG and am digging it; We Own It (2 Chainz ft. Wiz Khalifa) rocked the intro of Fast 6 and makes me want to go out and be a badass. BONUS: They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard!! sort of makes me want to run, too, even though I'm with Gimli on the whole distance running thing.
I'm currently loving my first taste of the Lara Croft empire with Tomb Raider Reborn. I'm told I should try Uncharted, but I have no PS3. (I'll save my immense archive of favorite reading material for later!)
Your turn! Let's hear your stories below. Make it so!
Today's post is going to be a bit of a departure from focusing on the physical and nutritional side of weight loss. After all, you're weight and fitness are not the only elements that determine your happiness. There's this sneaky little bastard called "Quality of Life" and I'm finding that it's pretty important too.
As I mentioned in my last post, I've been experiencing a lot of stress because it feels like my creative career is going nowhere. I can create things all I want, but if I can't figure out how to monetize my creative endeavors or the skills I use to create them, then how can I expect to pay the bills by doing what I love? Yes, dear readers. It would seem I have a few more stats to reroll on this here quest for greatness.
As actors we're taught to take any job that will have us at the beginning of our careers. Get out there, get the experience, get the exposure, and eventually it will fall into place.Maybe I'm luckier than I give myself credit for, but I have no problem finding unpaid gigs. I've been doing them for years. For every paid acting job I've had, I've probably had eight unpaid full scale productions in which I've been abused by directors, other actors, or frankly, just plain knocked around by an overall unprofessional process. I'm not saying I didn't learn from these experiences or didn't benefit at all, but for the most part, I gained roles to put on my resume and nothing else. That's not without value, but at a certain point, you have to ask yourself if it's worth the time and the energy to commit yourself to unpaid pursuits with guaranteed experience vs. working less, but being able to focus all of your energy on getting those elusive paid opportunities.
This goes for writing as well. I've been so honored to have so many fellow bloggers ask me to join their staff of unpaid writers/reviewers, but at this point, I don't have have any more time to pour into more unpaid work. I'm organizing the future of Project Reroll so that my amazing community of readers can flourish and share what they've learned on their own health journeys. I already review and discuss geeky topics as an occasional guest-host with my friends on the Anomaly Podcast (which you need to check out if you haven't!). Plus, I am currently managing a very lengthy and involved post production process on a web series that I wrote/produced with a friend. When I turn down these unpaid opportunities, I'm not being snobby. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me not to get paid for any more extra time and effort. My dance card is pretty darn full.
I know I'm not the only artist or entrepreneur going through this struggle, but over the last few days I've realized something surprising. I might be the one who is standing in my way. How am I supposed to receive currency in exchange for goods if I'm afraid to place an actual value on my skills. Obviously, waiting for someone to pay me for things that I've very publicly given away for free is a terrible marketing plan.
So here's my new goal; It's time to embrace my inner rogue. Would Jayne Cobb work for free? Even Han Solo wanted pay for his fair cut for saving Princess Leia from the Death Star. Bronn might give Tyrion color commentary for free but when it comes to his sword, he's paid to use it in Lannister gold. Well boys, step aside. There's a new rogue for hire in town and her name is Anne!
So how to start on this quest? Like any of the other skills I've "rerolled," I started by creating steps to help me break down my overall goal into more manageable bite sized pieces.
Step 1: Determine my marketable skills and be prepared to place an actual value on them. For me these would be acting, writing, and creativity/life coaching. I'm going to think very critically about how to turn these skills into marketable business ventures and place actual values on them so that I can charge for my services. When you fear no one will ask you how much you're worth, it doesn't seem worth going to the trouble to price your skills, but if you don't, then you'll be caught with your pants down when someone does! The ensuing frazzlement could lose you the gig... and they may be confused by your lack of pants. Of course, that doesn't mean I can't cut deals for friends or for projects that I really want to do, but then I'll be ready when someone says, well how much do you charge for that?
Step 2: Do some research on what you should charge. If you get confused or nervous about what you can ask for when it comes to compensation, look into what your peers are charging and how they've managed to get paid jobs in their fields. For me this will mean looking at people I know with similar experience levels who are getting paid and seeing how I can emulate or even undercut them when it comes to price. This step comes to you directly from my uncanny ability to "win" at the Auction House in every MMO ever. Time to get some real-life bags of gold. Lok'tar Ogar, people.
Step 3: Be prepared to negotiate and to face conflict. You need to accept the fact that with this new great power to get paid for your work will come more responsibility on your part. If people are actually paying you, they'll have every right to be demanding of your time. You'll have to develop firm hand when it comes to scheduling you're time and dealing with clients. You'll need to come to the table with a strong sense of self and what you do. If you can't face conflict productively or negotiate business deals without collapsing in on yourself like a dying star, then being an entrepreneur isn't for you. You are the CEO, the production line, and customer service rep all in one. You'll get all the praise, all the cash, and all the grief so you have to prepare yourself to deal with all of that.
Step 4: Update Your Websites/Create a Store. When you embrace your inner goblin and start shamelessly hawking your wares with a hearty, "I got what you need," you'll need somewhere to direct your traffic. For me, that will mean creating a public listing of my services so that I can give someone my business card with a quick pitch and then send them to my website for a more detailed breakdown of what I'm prepared to offer them. This ties in with the first step of figuring out what you can sell, but in this case, you'll also have to think about how you're going to make it the most appealing deal your client can find.
Clearly I'm at the beginning of this process and I have no business talking like a know-it-all about this stuff, but this is where I am with it right now. I'll post more about this as I move through the steps and hopefully my depression will dissipate as I make a more active effort to handle this stressful issue in my life. I hope my conclusions and my process provide some inspiration if anyone else in a similar conundrum. If you have any advice for me or other readers, please leave it in the comments!
Lately, my points of view about fitness and nutrition have been shifting. I'm far more focused on eating enough, making sure I'm in control of my choices, and paying more attention to how I look, what my measurements are, and how I feel than what the scale is telling me. It's really hard to let go of those "number" goals because they do give you something specific to work towards.
However, the BMI scale, is a little skewed. It's a bell curve so if you are very tall or very short (like me), the weight it wants you to be is sometimes a little off. If you're average height, the readings will be much more realistic, however, it doesn't account for muscle mass. There are professional athletes who are "obese" according to the BMI scale. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Have MANY ways of measuring your progress because they all have their pros and cons.
All that being said, I did hit a really important milestone on the scale recently. I've officially lost 100 lbs. I couldn't believe it when I looked down and saw the number. It was the complete opposite of the sinking feeling I felt at the beginning of this journey when I had to come to terms with where I was starting. I was completely elated and I walked taller for the rest of the day.
This event coincided with a huge non-scale victory. I have a huge family event coming up and I had to go shopping for several nice/semi-formal dresses to wear. I haven't seen my dad's side of the family or been home to Chicago in over a year. It will be like showing up as a different person. When I see people I haven't seen in a while, I sort of feel like I'm wearing my own skin as a costume. It's always a topic of conversation (which I've become ok with), but there's always a dicotomy going on inside me because I know I've changed, but I don't want to feel like I'm throwing away the person I was before. It's hard to really see myself as the new me from underneath my skin because I've been here the whole time. It always cracks me up when my friends see me after a week and they're all, "Dude, you look even smaller than the last time I saw you!"
I think there's always a certain amount of tough self criticism whether you've lost weight or you just struggle with how you see yourself. It's not that I can't see any change, it's just that I don't see it as extremely as the other people in my life, plus I'm still really self conscious about sagging skin and the remaining plumpness. Recently, this video from Dove has been making the rounds on the interwebs. A sketch artist draws two versions of each woman featured in the video, one as described by the woman herself, and another as described by a random person who has just met them for the first time. I wanted to include it here because I think it's important to keep our demon's at bay when we embark on these major metamorphic journeys. Easier said than done, but watch it!
Meanwhile, back at Macy's: My awesome and VERY generous mom offered to treat me to some nice clothes so I could put my "new and improved" best foot forward. I took my best friend, Emily with me because I'm ABSOLUTELY hopeless when it comes to fashion. Give me a geeky t-shirt and jeans and I'm golden! This girl is my rock and always the Harley Quinn to my Poison Ivy on these little shopping adventures. Five months ago I had to get a dress to sing at a friend's wedding. I was a size 14 and that was so great because it meant I was out of the plus sizes for the first time in years. I decided to try a size 12 tonight because that's what I fit into at work when I was getting new dress pants for my uniform a few weeks ago. Emily was doubtful about that because she thinks our work pants run small, but we tried it.
Too big.
We tried a 10.
Too big.
On it went till I was wearing a size six. You'll notice I'm a bit misty eyed in the photo because as soon as it zipped, I began to bawl. This huge feeling just washed over me and as the energy of the moment coursed through me, it sought release. I wasn't sad. They were tears of joy. I've never been in this size before. Ever. Hell, I've never been this fit in my life. I've never been this healthy. I've never been surrounded by so much love and support and I've never been so proud to live in my own skin.
Emily and my boyfriend Brandon have been so supportive of me throughout this metamorphosis. Both of them have been my confidants. Before I post anything very raw or emotional on the blog, I always talk about it with them first to get my head on straight. I'm not always easy to deal with. There are times when I've been a complete MESS or I've lashed out because the stress of waging constant willpower war amidst all the other distractions in my world has left me so raw that the slightest thing will set me off. They have born the treacherous waves of my emotions, the onslaught of my self doubt, and my fears of losing control with open hearts and warm hugs. That's true love and I thank my lucky stars that I have that surrounding me every day. I'm at a distinct advantage because of it.
I've had a lot of overwhelming experiences in dressing rooms and most of them have been negative. I've always hated looking at myself in the mirror and even though my mom always did her best to help me hide my flaws when we went shopping, that's what it was always about. There were always alterations and letting pants out and hemming "tall person clothes" because I couldn't fit into the regular sizes in the kid's section. The money and the time she spent on trying to make me look at feel good must have been astronomical. I feel so much guilt about it now because I know she must have felt like I was throwing it back in her face by not doing anything to change my unhealthy habits. I must have seemed so ungrateful.
I never fit into the dresses I wanted to wear. Before this experience, I'd never had the exciting feeling of seeing "the dress" on the hanger, putting it on, and having it fit like it was made for me. I had to work for it- and I MEAN WORK! Haha!
That's why was indescribably special to me to share this moment with Emily because she's been there through it all and she's been so selfless in her support of me. This was something every girl wants to feel and I finally got it with my best gal pal. I'll never forget it. It was... big.
Even better, I got several other dresses to wear for the weekend (MEDIUMS, I'll have you know! /flex!) and some GREAT jewelry to pair with them.
I had to go with this black slinky dress because I'm in the middle of my Big Damn Hero Challenge and if Zoe gonna wear a dress, she wants "something with some slink."
I also got something with a few ruffles to satiate the Kaylee in me.
I still have a lot of journey to go. and I know that there are demons and dragons to face going forward, but that's why I'm taking this moment to celebrate and remember why it's so important to persevere.
It's worth it. It's worth every goddamn drop of sweat, every tear, and every hard won willpower war.
So my little Slayers, if you're out there fighting for better health, keep fighting. Your struggles are just blips on the radar if you keep going. If you can do that- putting one foot in front of the other consistently- you can achieve great things in time.
It's Monday April 15th and that means it's the beginning of a new Nerd Fitness 6 Week Challenge! After the success I had with the last one, I'm ready to attack a new set of goals head on and continue to level up my life! You have until Wednesday April 17th to create your goals and post them in the guild thread you want to participate in for the challenge, so I highly recommend biting the bullet and joining the rebellion if you're not already a part of it!
Last challenge, I gave my challenge a Rainbow Dash theme because I was preparing cosplay as her for PAX East. This time, I'll be using the ladies from Joss Whedon's Firefly to inspire my goals! Note: All artwork by Megan Lara.
"I need you up in the engine room figurin' out what caused this." ~Malcolm Reynolds
I'll use all the tech at my disposal to maximize the efficiency of my workouts and the effectiveness of my diet plan.
I'll log every meal I eat on Fitbit.
I must meet my -1000 calorie deficit at least 6/7 days a week while still eating EVERYTHING I'm supposed to on my diet plan so I can stay on track with my weight loss.
No more starving myself to meet the deficit is allowed. I must consume at least 1100 calories every "day of rest." On active/working days, I must consume 1250-1350.
Reward: CON +4
"You ever been with a warrior woman?" ~Wash
Time to get more serious about my strength training with. Daily Yoga!
20-30 minutes/day including vinyasa series and warrior dance to warm up the body, followed by focused work on the following three poses.
Hold crow for 10 seconds (right now I can just barely get both feet off the floor for a few seconds)
Wheel for 10 seconds (I've gotten up into it one time, but mostly only make it to the top of my head)
Hold shoulder stand for 10 minutes by the end of the challenge (right now my PR is four minutes).
Reward: STR +3, DEX +2
"No power in the 'verse can stop me." ~River Tam
I have graduated from the Zombies, Run 5K Training app so it's time to start doing 3 missions a week with the regular Zombies, Run app.
By the end of the challenge, I'd like to go from my 5k PR of: 33 min down to 30 min.
Reward: STA +3
Life Goal:
"Should I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere or the part where you have no clothes?" ~Inara Serra
I'm running out of clothes that fit properly again and I don't have a lot of money, so it's time to get resourceful and list all my old designer clothes, shoes, and sundry items that no longer fit or are no longer wanted for sale on ebay.
They do not have to be sold by the end of the challenge, but all of the items have to be collected, organized, photographed, and listed by the end of six weeks.
I can use the proceeds to replenish my dwindling wardrobe!
Reward: CHA +3
So there you have it! In six weeks, I'll post a follow up on the blog to let you know how I did!
Lately, there's been a lot of this going on in my life.
"Do you have loose skin? What are you going to do about it?"
"Are you calling me a whore?"
And then it's either funny or awkward and I imagine this interchange from Firefly.
In any case, I've had loose skin on the brain and to some extent, sadly on my body. Loose skin can sometimes occur after rapid/extreme weight loss as the fat is burned and the elasticity of the skin doesn't have time to readjust. My journey hasn't been so extreme but in 7 months, I've lost about 85 lbs, which is just over 3 lbs a week. I've mostly noticed it in my chest area and my inner thighs, but I'm sure I'll see more evidence as I progress towards my goal.
A lot of people get surgery to correct this issue. Loose skin is not only unflattering, but it can also be argued that it gets in the way of exercise and can keep you from reaching your full potential as an athlete. For me, it's currently vanity that's the issue. My skin doesn't get in the way of my workouts, though I can feel some extra bounce in my bum and thighs. However, it's not so extreme that it discourages me from going to the gym. I've noticed certain things just seem a little deflated or that from specific angles, there's drooping that wasn't there before. Weirdly, I can see it a lot in my arms and armpits. Guys. I have saggy armpits. What does that even MEAN? Ugh. I try not to focus on it too much because over all, I'm feeling pretty fantastic about my progress.
Having just been under the knife for my gallbladder removal, I'm not too keen on having another surgery any time soon. I also have 40 more pounds to lose before I'm at a healthy weight and I would really like to attain that goal and maintain my weight loss for about six months before I make any final decisions.
Why six months? I'm young and although I've been overweight for most of my life, my body will be more forgiving than if I were older. I've heard that it takes about six months for your body to adjust to major physical change, so that's why I chose that amount of time.
It's also a matter of health insurance. If the procedure were purely seen as vanity, my insurance might not cover it. If I wait six months and then decide that surgery is something I really want to pursue, I can say that I've lived with the issue for 6 months, managed to keep the weight off, and I need to get the surgery to help me improve/intensify my fitness level.
So that's my plan- reach my goal, maintain a healthy weight for six months. and then reassess the skin situation and go from there. I'd love to hear from anyone else who is dealing with this issue or has any concerns or advice so feel free to comment!
I've never been fashion forward. I watch Project Runway for the artistic process but I know nothing of designers or trends. I also don't have a ton of disposable income so shopping at trendy stores is just not something I do. I'm not ashamed to say that Target usually suits my needs just fine. When it comes to clothing, I just know what I like and what looks fun and or comfortable to wear.
At my heaviest, that included black pants and some sort of geeky fitted T-shirt more days than not. If it was a special occasion or a performance, I had a few go-to staples, almost always black. I went to conventions and watched cute girls wear all manner of awesome things like colorful leg warmers or fitted "Black Milk" dresses and leggings, not to mention the cosplayers who were in magnificent costumes that drew huge crowds of people. I was green with envy, but I just figured that would NEVER be me. "I'm too fat for fashion or for cosplay" was on my lips and in my mind constantly. I spent a lot of time resenting the girls who could pull that stuff off. I didn't think it was fair that geeky dudes complained there were only vapid booth babes at conventions and no REAL geek girls, when we were RIGHT THERE! We were just rendered invisible on their radar because of weight, acne, or general lack of sexiness. I spent WAY too much time thinking about all that and not enough trying to figure out what I could do to feel better about myself.
What matters is how you feel about yourself! I was missing out on so many fun aspects of fandom all because I was so caught up in my envy that I didn't stop to think about taking steps to open new doors. My rock bottom came because I got tired of "being excluded" from a culture that I loved. The hardest part was realizing that I wasn't "being excluded" so much as "excluding myself." Fixing the issue wasn't just about dropping the weight. I had to pick up new crafting skills too- sewing, construction, design! There was a lot that I didn't know and I'm still learning, but there are also a lot of ways out there to get yourself on track. I made a plan for my exercise and nutrition after doing research online, finding go-to inspirational blogs, and talking to doctors about the best options for me. I also started watching "how-to"videos on youtube so that I could learn how to make the costumes I so badly wanted to wear. It IS possible to make these changes, but you have to want it badly enough that all the effort seems worth it. There are days when I haven't felt like going to the gym and days when I've ruined aspects of my costumes and had to start over. That stuff happens. You have to want the finished product so bad that you keep going and keep sewing! That's why I set lots of goals to keep me moving in the right direction.
So many people get stuck at that stage. There are just so many excuses that pile up when you aren't happy with yourself. The more you say, "I can't," the easier it becomes to believe it. Honestly, I believe anything is possible with dedication and hard work so it SLAYS me when I hear people tell me they could never do what I've done or that they can't believe what I've done because they can't lose ten pounds and they'd really like to. Sometimes I want to take these people by the shoulders and shake them because I've been there and I know it's just not true. Break the cycle by taking smaller steps along the way and getting on the path to your goals. What CAN you do today to get on track? Can you order a salad instead of a burger? Can you go for a walk? Can you watch a youtube video on how to style wigs or mold worbla into armor patterns? Just because you're not ready to go run a marathon or build a full set of Storm Trooper armor doesn't mean it's not worth making the little changes. If you keep saying you can't, you never will.
I don't think I'll ever be a fashionista, but at this point, I find myself picking out outfits I NEVER would have put on before. I think part of me wore so much black because I just wanted to be invisible. I still love black, but I feel like I'm spicing up my wardrobe with a bit more color as well. My style choices have gotten a little bolder. I'm wearing skirts and leggings or cute fitted hoodies with my T's, and layering colorful long-sleeved shirts underneath my geeky t-shirts to make them wearable during the winter. I'm not saying any of this makes me fashion forward, but I'm changing the way I think about clothing and about shopping. It's an opportunity for me to express myself rather than a chore that has to be completed in order to disguise myself.
I've already started my cosplay journey, but as I lose weight, the way I think about choosing characters has changed. I used to think, "what can I get away with as a fat fat fatty?" My first character was Appa from Avatar: The Last Airbender because I figured that surely no one would blame a fat chick for cosplaying as a giant six-legged sky-bison. Also, Appa is awesome. Moving forward, I'm trying to think more about who I want to be in my wildest dreams rather than what I can "pull off" without getting called fat on the internet. I'm still concerned with finding costumes that I think will be flattering- I'm not about to cosplay a midriff bearing character any time soon, but I'm really excited for my Rainbow Dash outfit because that will give me a chance to be something cute and wear something a bit more form fitting and athletic. I've been using that costume as motivation to get myself to the gym so I can look as svelte as possible. The results have been really great so far and I always feel more proactive when I have a goal like that on the horizon. I guess my advice would be to never let yourself rest on your laurels for too long. It's just too easy for me to get comfortable or to get frustrated and give up if I don't have something to look forward to.
Not only am I leveling up my physical stats, but I've also been leveling my crafting! I've learned how to sew, embroider, and all manner of things just because I decided to lose weight. Next on my list is learning how to work with leather so I can make a Xena costume to wear when I hit my goal weight. I may even get crafty with my regular wardrobe. My Rainbow Dash sneakers turned out so well that I've been thinking of making more versions for different characters from cult TV shows. If that goes well, maybe I'll start an Etsy store so I can make a little money on the side. Firefly shoes, anyone? See, I'm EVEN taking advantage of "game economy" in new ways! Haha, oh life really is more exciting when you see it like an MMO with endless opportunities for adventure. It just goes to show that as you start to making the little changes to yourself, it bleeds into other areas. The sky is the limit, and even then I'm sure Rainbow Dash negotiates.
I wish I could say I'm a total health nut who loves the gym and that I think brownies are icky sugar toxins, but I'm not. It still takes willpower to stick to my mission. I'll never stop loving days where I can completely immerse myself in a video game for hours on end or enjoying a Hobbit themed feast with my friends. For my first month, I completely avoided those things so I could create new habits and in a way, detox/wake up my body. Seven months into this lifestyle change, I've definitely indulged in some treats and devoted hours on end to adventuring in Skyrim without derailing my progress one bit. The question became, how do I use delicious treats and non-active geeky indulgences as motivation to put in the effort at the gym and the table a majority of the time? My answer: A reward system. I unlock an achievement, I get a trophy. I bribe myself to do healthy things I'm not crazy about with things I love but should only do in moderation.
Even though I don't love going to the gym, I like the elliptical machine. After the "shiny newness" of a new health regime wears off, working out on a machine can feel a bit like subjecting yourself to being on a "hamster wheel" 5 times a week. What makes the day in/day out tedium of watching statistics flash across the screen bearable is being able to watch my favorite TV shows. I don't have time to sit down and rewatch all the shows I love, but if I do it at the gym, then it's accomplishing something instead of just marathoning them nonstop while I sit on the couch and surf the web. The bonus to this system is that it provides another fun way to measure my progress. After all, you can't always expect the scale to go down, so why not measure you're level of awesomeness by how many cult TV shows you've watched while at the gym. For the record, I've watched every episode of Firefly, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and 2.5 Seasons of Xena: Warrior Princess whilst busting my ass at the gym. Next in the queue: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There are people who say it's detrimental to watch TV whilst exercising because you'll relax and not push yourself hard enough. To counteract this, I did research to find my optimal heart rate and I make sure that I stay in it while I'm working out. I also choose shows with a lot of kicking ass in them- usually with a female heroine I dig- so whilst Xena is bashing heads or sprinting through the wilds of Ancient Greece, I pick up my intensity.
There are other smaller "Jedi Mind Tricks" I use to make sure I stay motivated and continue to push myself. For instance, if I try something new and truly despise it, I don't force myself to keep doing it as long as I still go to the gym and do something else. A personal example would be weight training. I tried it out when I started my gym membership, but I never felt engaged by it and I didn't really see any results despite my research and sticking with it for over a month. I just decided there were too many other active things I could be doing/trying with my time. I will note that I initially decided I hated Zumba and now I take two classes a week, so who knows? One day I might totally get back into it. In any case, I still wanted to do some conditioning and eventually I started going to yoga classes two or three times a week. I've built up my strength and balance exponentially. Plus I can measure the progress of my fitness by being able to reach new poses or stay in unmodified plank or chaturanga longer. The other evening I was able to do "upward facing dog" instead of "cobra" AND "unmodified side plank" for the FIRST TIME. I felt awesome afterwards. On days when I'm not feeling particularly "zen," I just tell myself I'm training to be the Avatar. I defy you to do "yoga warrior dance" and NOT imagine you're doing the dance of the dragons with Zuko and Aang. No kidding. That shit works every time.
My willpower weakens significantly when it comes to video games. If I get sucked into a story or fixated on a goal in game, I will not stop until that best in slot item is mine. Seriously. I have problems. I used to be like this:
You know, except with lady parts. Not pretty, right? A lot of people think video games are "the enemy" right now, and not just when it comes to fitness. People who know almost nothing about these games are asserting that they cause violent tendencies, rob you of real life experiences, or are senseless garbage that will rot your brain- I could talk about how I don't agree with those accusations all day. I won't because that could be its own post. One thing I can say is that they ARE addictive and that I have personally experienced gaming addiction to the extent that some of my friends had to stop the madness and screw my head on straight again. Did I to stop playing video games altogether? No. I just had to learn to enjoy them in a way that would not prevent me from persistently pursuing a marked improvement in my health. For my first month on Operation: Stop Treating Your Body Like Poop, I didn't play many video games- and certainly no MMOs (my personal crack). Once I had my fitness and nutrition routine under control, I started allowing myself to play games again, but ONLY after I'd been to the gym or done my chores. In my opinion if you're a productive member of society and you're looking after your health, who CARES if you spend 4-6 hours that evening raiding Icecrown Citadel with a bunch of pixelated buddies? I'm sure there are people who still think video games are the devil, but that's my take on the issue in relation to my own health at any rate.
Are there things you do to bribe yourself into healthy eating and fitness habits? Leave your tips in the comments!
I ran from my health issues for as long as I could, but they finally caught up to me.
I finally gave in and checked myself into the ER for severe abdominal pain after 3 months of intermittent suffering. After a Friday and Saturday of the most monumental pain I've ever experienced and not being able to keep meals down, I cracked and took a cab to the hospital. It's a good thing I did because it turns out I have gallstones and I need to get my gallbladder removed. The pain was being caused by stones being released and then getting stuck resulting in bile building up pressure behind them, which caused intense pain that lasted anywhere from 15 minutes to 15 hours.
How did this happen? Well, my friends; extreme weightloss. My doctor told me weight gain or loss can cause this and when I told them about my success with my diet and exercise, they said, "Congratulations! ...But yes. Your weightloss definitely triggered this."
Why is my body betraying me after all the work I've done for it!? Curse it and its sudden but inevitable betrayal! Well at least it's not because of weight GAIN. They did a mini operation yesterday to clear out all the stones that were stuck in the tubes, but the big operation should be tomorrow. I'm shakin' in my boots because I've never had surgery before.
I have to say that the worst part is not being allowed to eat for the past five days. They said they might allow me liquids yesterday, but not till the doctor OKs it and with the operation this morning, I doubt they'll let me eat any solids. That will be almost a week without food and water if I can't eat till Thursday. Obviously I have an IV but there's a rock of hunger building in my stomach and its constantly growling. Meh!
Anyways. That's what's up over here! May your gallbladders remain stoneless and the odds be ever in your favor!
I didn't want to post last weigh-in because I hadn't lost any weight. Not one pound. It really got to me. I mean I've been working my ass off, packing my food, and forgoing all temptations during social engagements and it just made me really frustrated that I hadn't dropped anything. I just kept telling myself that for the past three weeks, I've been losing 3-4 lbs every weigh-in and that my body was probably just trying to catch up, not to mention the positive side which is that I didn't GAIN anything. Meh. Anyways. I was sad, OK? Sue me. :)
Today I was thinking about how this is a life change and not just a means to an end. When I really think about what I've accomplished so far, I can be proud of that, and I shouldn't beat myself up because I didn't go backwards. I'm physical every day of my life now, which I definitely wasn't before. On days when I work, I don't necessarily make it to the gym because of my commute, but at work I give tours that require me to walk at least 3 miles a day. On other days, I go to the gym and I push myself. On Sunday, the guy I'm dating took me to Central Park and taught me how to longboard. I would NEVER have gone on a date that required me to do physical activity before because I was so embarrassed. Plus, it was really fun (even though I took a few spills due to my abundance of clumsiness! Ha!). Also. Rewind. I'm dating someone? WHAT?! That's crazy! And he's awesome, intelligent, and treats me well. Let's just focus on that for a second. Usually I let myself get bullied by the guys I've dated but I don't ever worry about that with him. ::grins like a loon:: Progress made, if you ask me!
I've been so focused on the scale and the plan and entering all of this info into my calorie tracker app and the Nutrisystem website, that I haven't opened my eyes to the real changes that are happening in my life and the support of everyone around me. So I decided for this week, I'd let myself weigh in every day despite the frustrations of fluctuations (cause I feel like it keeps me from doing tempting things because "I'll just work it off by weigh-in"), but I wouldn't enter any of the food info into my tracker app on my phone. I would just do the plan as I've been doing it for the past 3.5 months. I know what to do and what I need. Sidebar: I wouldn't recommend that to someone just starting the program, but with where I'm at, I feel confident in that decision since it's just a week long exercise before I'll get back to my old way of doing things. Anyways! We'll see how it goes. As a result, the scale did nudge down .8 pounds today so yippity skippity! And! My dad said if I lose 10 more lbs, he'd get me a longboard, since I enjoyed it so much the other day. So huzzah! Thinking positively about myself from here on out.
So I've been killing myself at the gym. Not in a negative way, but after going to the gym every day for a week with two 35 minute days and 5 days of two hour workouts, I was surprised to find that I had barely lost 2 lbs. I suppose I was expecting a bit more considering my weight and the initial shock my body went through. When I first started my diet, I lost very quickly (8 lbs in my first week!), which is common so I know I can't continue to expect results like that anymore. Obviously I'm sticking with it and I know that I'm on track because the guidelines for Nutrisystem (the diet system I'm using to learn portion control and nutritional balance) says we should be losing 1-2 lbs per week on the program, but considering I've been working out far more than suggested, I wanted to see better results.
In any case, I decided to mix up my exercise today and take a Zumba class. I was sort of nervous about it because I hate comparing myself to other people or feeling like I'm constantly messing something up. AND! I hate people talking to me while I work out... or looking at me. Ha. I'm sort of messed up like that. I've spent so much time imagining myself as a superhero that when I'm confronted by my conflicting image in a dance studio mirror I die a little inside. BUT! I decided to challenge myself and do something I've never done since it's my day off. So, I got to the gym early and did a 25 minute brisk walk on the treadmill before the 55 minute class. It wasn't awful, but I just felt sluggish and frustrated a lot of the time by my inability to keep up with all the fancy footwork. Honestly, my biggest issue is that I'm rather well endowed in the chest area and its really uncomfortable to jump up and down with two bowling balls hanging off your chest. I already wear two sports bras at once, but it just doesn't work. I ordered some new ones so hopefully they'll help out. Anyways, I just went with it and kept moving.
I'm proud I didn't give up, and I was certainly covered in sweat by the end of the class, but I'm not sure that I'll make that particular class a staple of my fitness routine. However, I did decide that I should try to take one group class a week just to break up the monotony. After class, I did 48 minutes on the elliptical whilst watching Firefly and then had a relaxing stretching session before walking back to my apartment.
I'm ready for this journey. I know it will be hard and long (that's what she said... Hehe...), but it NEEDS to happen! How to make it happen? That's another story. Clearly nothing I've tried so far has worked, so I'm taking a different approach.
First of all, I started Nutrisystem at the beginning of June. It's supposed to be very good for teaching portion control and balanced diets as well as encouraging many smaller meals/snacks throughout the day. Apparently that's great for your metabolism. So far it's gone really well and the weightloss from just following the new meal plan has been very motivating.
Rather than focus on a final goal, I'm going to create mini milestone goals as I go so that the overachiever in me does not completely lose her shit.
My first goal is to lose 20 lbs by the August 26th because that's when I'm going to the Renaissance Fair here in NY. It's a huge occasion for me and my friends every year and it's especially fun because we go in costume. Last year I bought my very own Ren Fair garb and although I felt amazing and full of fantasy and fun in it last year, I would really like to see a positive change in my physical appearance this year. I've already lost nearly 15 lbs so reaching my goal is certainly not out of the question, but I just have to stay on target. Here's a picture of me from last year! Hopefully this year I'll look EVEN MORE super fabulous!
My next goal is to lose 30 lbs by October 11th, which will mark my first cosplay experience at New York Comic Con (yet another geeky staple of my social calendar). I've always wanted to go in costume, but I have this crazy fear of being labeled the "fat version" of a beloved character or having people post hateful meme pictures of me on the internet and mocking me for all time. I know I shouldn't worry about that stuff. The internet is the internet and that will never change, but that's why I chose Appa, from Avatar: The Last Airbender. I'm doing an anthropomorphic version of this character (a giant flying sky bison). Yes, I'd like to do a human character, but until I have enough confidence in my appearance, I'm happy portraying this large fluffy character. Hopefully I'll be looking a little more svelte by then so I can really do majestic Appa justice. :)
I've been going to the gym every day for the past week and steadily improving my endurance. I even started doing weight training which is fairly new to me. As much as I hate being a sweaty ugly beast on the elliptical, I power through it by watching episodes of Firefly. I'll probably move on to Avatar when I finish that show so that I can get in the mood for my cosplay. I am also paying a lot more attention to stretching after every work out and returning to some of the yoga training I did in college. I actually LOVE that feeling I get when I finish and roll up my spine and just breath. I remember in movement class when we'd do this at the end of our warm-up, the teacher would say, "Don't adjust yourself. Don't look at yourself in the mirror. Just stand tall and accept everything in this moment. Just breath." I always hear that in my head when I finish and as corny as it is, it really helps me accept my progress every day.
As an actor, I can really feel the changes in my work. I'm just more connected with my body than I've been in a long time and right now I'm getting a chance to see that in my performance in A Midsummer Night's Dream which opens on Tuesday. I'm hoping to break many legs and give a fully embodied performance of Bottom, which is my first lead role in a while.
Sometimes I hate what I see in the mirror or I wish the whole process would just be over with. I'm a bit of an over achiever and I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia before so it's hard to accept the healthy rate of 1-2 lbs per week. No matter what I do, I seem to see a whale in the mirror.
I need to preface this next part by saying that my parents would do ANYTHING to support me and see me succeed and find joy in life. I love them and I wouldn't be able to afford my subscription to Nutrisystem or gym membership without them. That said, this next part of my story involves coming clean about what was said to me when I was younger about my weight and how the comments that were made affected me. The only reason I'm sharing this is because I now have a WONDERFULLY close relationship with them now and I know so many people who have struggled with weight from a young age will relate and learn from the scars that made me the way I am today. My mom and dad have always been worried about my health (and with good reason), but sometimes when I was younger it felt like an attack. These "concerns" and "attacks" made me hate myself- not that it was the only thing but every time my weight was mentioned I felt abnormal. I felt ugly and inadequate and like I'd never be good enough to be fully loved. I realize that a lot of this had more to do with me than it did to do with them. They were just looking out for me and they were understandably desperate to save me from following the path I ended up taking. Sometimes hurtful or insulting things were said to me were said in desperation and frustration and even though they weren't always kind, they were said because they loved me. One that stayed with me was "you're so overweight I don't know what to do with myself." Even now, on a bad day I can hear that sentence in my head and it fills me with shame.
My dad is a caterer and an amazing chef but he definitely tried to feed the family healthy food. We didn't visit fast food joints and we didn't keep a ton of sweets in the house. When I felt depressed, I would find ways to binge eat- either out with my friends or on my own. I would go and buy tons of candy bars or a carton of ice cream and drown my sorrows in CRAZY amounts of junk food. I'm totally ashamed of it, but I know I'm not alone. There are so many people who do this in order to cope with depression or stress. Looking back at pictures that were taken back in middle school, I really couldn't have been more than 10-15 lbs overweight at the time, but I let all of the more abusive feedback I was getting from my family and the pressure of going through puberty put all sorts of demons in my head. Really, I was a beautiful child who lived an active lifestyle. I played soccer and did figure skating and enjoyed the outdoors as well. Sometimes it makes me furious to realize that succumbing to those small insipid comments began my journey of self loathing and abuse that led me to anorexia, bullemia, and binge eating that lasted 12 years and packed on over 100 pounds.
That being said, our country CLEARLY has to work on how we deal with childhood obesity. It's an undeniable epidemic. When I look back on my relationship with food and with my weight, I wonder how I would have handled it if I were the parent. It seems like an impossible task- you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't! How do you let a child know they need to be healthier without making them feel like a failure. How do you motivate them when places like the gym are intimidating and make them feel like a "special case" since no one else their age has to go there?
Anyways, the short and long is that it's still nearly impossible for me to recognize progress purely from looking in the mirror because of my rampant negative self image. I'm hardwired to see my inadequacies. So when I get down on myself, I have started to ask one question. "Have I done everything I can to live healthily today." If the answer is yes, then I try to move on and stop harping on myself about it. If it's no, then try my best to think of something healthy I can ACTIVELY do before the day is out, and most importantly, I commit to doing it.
There's only one problem at the gym. This trainer named Heather keeps approaching me about personal training whenever she sees me working out. I can't help but feel that she wouldn't have approached me if I weren't so overweight. I don't see her walking up to anyone else. I suppose I'm just one of those people who really hates anyone TALKING to me when I work out, but more than that I hate being solicited. I know that Heather's heart is in the right place. She probably really WANTS to help me, but I just can't stand that she continues to approach me and ask me to do certain exercises for her. I took her card to be polite. I don't know. Am I over reacting? I've gotten to the point where I dread going to the gym sometimes because I don't want her to hunt me Hunger Games style.
