How to Tell Your Friends They're Fat

Short answer: You don't. 

At the beginning of this journey, people wanted to know a lot about how I was going about losing weight and sticking to it. What was I eating? What were my fitness goals? Later on, questions started pouring in about how I felt in my new body. Was it different? Did I have more energy? However, following the publication of my "success" story on Nerd Fitness, there's been a huge upswing in questions from people who want to know how to approach their friends about their weight issues and get them to change. 

It wasn't someone telling me to lose weight that caused me to take up arms and accept the mission. In fact, for years people told me to do something about my health and the more they insisted, the more I dug in my heals. To be told by someone you trust and love implicitly that you are less than acceptable in their eyes can be extremely hurtful, and what's more, that particular "f-word" can sting forever. I still remember every time that someone used it in regard to me whether it was out of the desperation of love or as a jibe. It hurts just the same either way and you can guarantee that when that person gets ready to face their demons, they are not going to come to you for empathy, guidance, and support. 

When a doctor or a parent told me I was overweight to the point where it would affect my health significantly, aside from the very first time when I was elementary school and I wouldn't have realized otherwise, I always wanted to ask them if they thought I didn't know that. 

I look in the mirror every morning. I can see that I'm fat. It's old news. Telling me isn't going to make me have some huge revelation that I haven't had already. Seeing photos of yourself where you've significantly gained weight since the last time you saw yourself in a picture or attempting to do something you could always do physically and then finding out you're unable to do it anymore- those are the things that will make you hit rock bottom and realize that you need to change for yourself and not for anyone else. I feel like I can pretty much guarantee you that the impetus to lose weight and keep it off never came from someone telling someone else they were fat. Truly finding redemption for your body through health and fitness isn't about anyone else but you. 

That's why it can be hard when we watch the people we love going down roads we know are toxic for them. At the end of the day, you can't want it enough for them. They have to want it themselves. So how can we help them along the way?

Let's look at some successful redemption tales, shall we?

Xena doesn't decide to change her ways because someone tells her she's an evil warlord. When they do that, she laughs in their face and slaughters their entire village. She eventually changes because of the people in her life. Hercules and Gabriel see her for her potential as a whole person and not just a force of destruction.

In Buffy, Spike doesn't change his ways because of a chip in his head. That limits his behavior, but it's Buffy's presence in his life that causes him to want redemption- to chase after his lost soul. 

In Star Trek: Deep Space 9, Quark slowly changes his smarmy cheating Ferengi ways because he's deeply affected by the people living around him on the station. Without them, he wouldn't ever start sticking his neck out for people or making selfless acts.

These characters change because people in their lives set an example for them to follow that they admire.

So what do you do to be that example for your friends so they can morph into the rerolled heroes they were meant to be? 

You can love them for who they are right now, inside and out. Tell them that you do, because more than likely, they berate themselves and think they're worthless because of the place they've let themselves get to without doing anything. Tell them they matter to you. Make them feel good about themselves. If they feel good, then they'll think they're worth fighting for. 

You can "be the change you want to see in the world," as Ghandi said. Tackle your own health and addictions. Sometimes seeing someone else succeed is what will inspire someone to take charge of their own problems. 

You can educate yourself on nutrition and fitness so that when they are ready to ask questions, you have answers.

You can empathize with them and make them feel validated when they open up to you about their emotions, health related or not. That way, when they are ready to expose themselves and do the work to get healthy, they'll feel like you've created a safe harbor for them to express their trials and tribulations. They're going to need a fellowship to get that ring to Mordor and you could be a part of it. 

I'm certainly not an expert and I don't have all the answers. I just know how I've been affected by these kinds of confrontations and more importantly, how I'd like to be treated. So how 'bout it? If you have any related questions, advice, or experiences you'd like to share, please leave them in the comments. 

My Special Somepony!

This past weekend was spent on the final preparations for PAX East. I use costumes and events like this to mark weight loss goals and I'm really excited about this one since not only have I already surpassed my milestone goal of losing 88 lbs, but also because my boyfriend, Brandon, is going to participate in this cosplay event with me. I've been hard at work crafting and sewing our costumes and super anxious to see the whole thing come together. Brandon is leaving for spring break and meeting me in Boston for the convention, so I wanted to make sure he tried everything on in case anything needed to be adjusted.

As an actor, I'm used to assuming roles, playing make believe and transforming myself physically, but this is Brandon's first time cosplaying at a fan convention and I wanted to make sure he was as excited and happy as possible. When he finally put everything on, he just lit up! It was like he walked right out of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and into my living room. He was glowing and grinning from ear to ear. It was truly adorable and not only was I so incredibly proud and happy with my handiwork, but I found it so rewarding to give him the ability to experience one of my favorite aspects of conventions. 

You see, Brandon has really been there for me during this journey. He's dealt with my obsessions over calorie counting, my anxiety over not being able to constantly indulge in comfort food, my plateaus, my gains, and my victories. He's been the one to talk me through a lot of the inner turmoil I've had as my body changed, I saw myself differently, and I began to be treated differently by people out in the world. I think we all need people like that in order to process our changes and find lasting success.

I've read so many blogs and forum posts about couples, family members or close friends wherein one person is trying to get healthy and the other person isn't. Brandon is certainly supportive of my quest and aware of my choices, but I don't expect him to make the same ones in order to make me comfortable. Sometimes the posts I read are positive, but a majority of the time they describe sad tales of sabotage, passive aggression, and constant frustration that ultimate derails the person working on their health or causes them to slow their progress.

While I do believe in accepting that we cannot control every variable around us (i.e. expect other people in our lives to eat what we eat, ban all goodies from the house, workout all the time), I do think we all owe it to ourselves to create an environment that's conducive to our success. If what I'm describing sounds all too familiar, I really urge you to sit down with anyone who is causing this kind of strife and address it. Explain that you don't expect them to go through it step by step the way you are, but that you do expect them not to actively make it harder on you. If they still don't get it, go to that uncomfortable, vulnerable place and tell them WHY it's so important to you that you succeed. If they have any sense of empathy at all, they'll begin to understand how big a deal this is to you. 

The hardest thing to accept is that some people are just toxic. If you go through all of that conflict resolution and the person on the other side of the table remains defensive, negative, or unsympathetic, then you need to accept that he/she is not someone you can be around if you really care about your health. That might be easier said than done, but I truly believe it to be the case. When it comes to the behavior of others, the one thing you CAN control is whether or not you're putting yourself at risk by subjecting yourself their presence. That can make or break your success. We spend every day making choices about our health and this one is just as important. Make sure that everyone around you has your back and your best interests in mind.

I'm certainly glad to have my Special Somepony in my life because I know he's a big part of why I've been so strong throughout this experience and I hope he knows I don't take any of his efforts for granted. Sometimes it's nice to do something that let's the person/people who support you know just how much they mean to you. whether that means making them a bacon cheeseburger even though you can't have one or transforming them into pony from a children's cartoon about friendship and magic.