Tuesday, November 11, 2014

It's Happening!

Mango smoothie

Turkey slices 
Dried mango 

Hard cider 

Monday, November 10, 2014

Day 17

Mixed Berry Juice

Steak, Onions, Mixed Veggies

A few bites of gross squash (RAGE)
Hard Apple Cider

I SAW INTERSTELLAR. I have so many thoughts. It was a lot like Contact, which is one of my most favorite movies ever. The acting was superb and the science was all pretty solid. I had feels. I'm still processing it. It was a really interesting look at what happens to Earth when it gets used up and what the risks of interstellar space flight might be. I've always been fascinated by the concept of time slippage and how time on Earth might pass differently than if you were traveling around anomalies like black holes and worm holes and they really rooted all of their scientific concepts for the plot of the movie in emotional human needs. 

I really don't want to say much more except for SEE IT and let me know what you thought in the comments!

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Day 16

Eggs, Bacon, Onion
Tea, Almond Milk, Stevia

Cashews, Dried Mango

Mixed Berry Juice

Steak, Broccoli 

Day 15


Cashews and dried mango

salmon, brocoli, squash

white wine (too much white wine)

GUYS. I learned something. Excessively drinking leads to bad dietary decisions. I'm not ashamed because as far as diet is concerned, it was not the worst day. I had eaten too little to begin with and I didn't get my break till 4pm and they closed the catering before I got there. So letting myself starve all day, basically, while being active, getting mad and anxious, going for drinks and not being super responsible resulted in pastry eatage.

And believe me I'm paying for it this morning. But I'm going to give myself a break and just make better decisions today.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

End of week 2

This, on the whole, has not been my strongest week. It's ok because I learned some things and I'm not giving up, bud gaaahd. I'm annoyed that yet again todag I are outside of my guidelines. Today was a problem because I woke up late and was unable to prepare for the day in the way I needed to because I basically had to get up and rush out the door to work. I started at 9 and was supposed to get a half hour break at 1, but after work I had tickets to a dress rehearsal of the Christmas Spectacular and right after that, I had an hour to get uptown to see Dane Cook in the NY comedy festival, leaving no time for cooking or shopping at my go to eateries because the time was too short. I knew I couldn't reheat anything because I hadn't had time to pack a lunch before I left and I also couldn't live off of my morning juice, some nuts, and an apple till 11pm. To make matters worse, when I got to my break time, there was chaos on the floor and I didn't end up going on my break until 10 minutes into it. So left with that I had to grab the first protein that was available and shove it down my gullet. I ended up picking up a sandwich at lunch and gulping down hot soup between the two shows. Calorie wise, I think everything still probably turned out okay, but it definitely wasn't a Paleo day. I'll do better tomorrow.

Mango/Orange Smoothie

Turkey, cheddar, lettuce, mayo sandwich

Split pea soup

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Paleo Lifehacks: Keeping Costs Down

So I did a vlog today instead of writing an article, so you'll get my info from the horses mouth!

I will, however, add my food log for Day 13 below. I ate my chocolate bar that I'd been saving since before Halloween. I'll post a review tomorrow. It was super good. I had no business "treating" myself due to my last few days of behavior on set, but hey. At least it was a Paleo delicacy. More challenges tomorrow.

I'm also not weighing myself because I know eating this way is going to work and I don't want to be so focused on the scale or be a person who weighs themselves every day or every week. I'm in it for the sake of wellness and confidence and I'm gonna hope that this new "system" works out for me. I am curious to know how I'm doing after two weeks, but the results should be telling in how my clothes fit as time goes on. Just gotta sit tight and keep choosing wisely.

Mixed Berry Smoothie
Dried Cranberries

Eggs, Bacon, Pepper, Onion, Mushroom

Paleo Chocolate Banana Crunch Bar from Hu Kitchen

Sweet Potato

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Bill Lowe: The Pillow

It was just two days, but I really did have a great time with these guys. It's weird how you can come together for a project and just get on with people you've never really met before. There were times where we even got on too well and had to be chastened mildly so we could get our work done. But! For a few days, we made zee magics for the camera and we had a lot of laughs and that was just raw fun. 

Basically, my whole role takes place around the D&D table. Some of us had scripted in game characters. I was Sam-Dumb, the Barbarian, whom I decided was a gnome. While we were waiting for shots to get set up, some of us actually filled out our character sheets. You can have a look at mine here. It contains gems such as "Maximum Hit Points: Infinity" and "Flaws: Hybris... NONE." 

We obviously weren't looking to create characters by the rules, but the jokes on everyone's sheets were genius and I'm only sad that they never really get featured. We'll just chalk it all up to our very rich character development rituals. My personal favorites for other people included:

  • Alignment: Bi
  • Alignment: Pilates
  • Languages: Horse Whispering and Horse Yelling. 
  • A caster's health points: 180

I seriously should have take more pictures of our stuff. It was great. 

One of the great privileges of working on this was getting just be an actor. Often times on webseries sets, you have multiple jobs. Frankly, at the Renaissance Faire we all chipped in when and where we could to get the whole job done. That was definitely the case for other people on this set, but I really just had to show up, get dressed in my costume, have my make and hair done, do some line throughs, and get the scenes shot relatively unscathed. I say relatively because for some reason after we punch in to my close ups, I always have a tendency to somehow FORGET my lines. How silly is that? It was just really nice to be able to focus on character and exploration and being present when the cameras got rolling while not trying to do a million other things at the same time, which I always seem to be doing on my other projects. It was so refreshing and such a gift to get to focus on what I enjoy doing most for the last few days and it was just a nice bonus that the other people on set, both cast and crew, were so much fun. Plus, on my second day, our Costume Designer, Elise VanderKley, gave me Princess Leia buns. MY WILDEST ON CAMERA DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE. I can die happy now. 

So please take a moment to visit the Bill Lowe (the pillow) Facebook page. You can watch the season one videos on YouTube and follow the show on Twitter to keep abreast of all Pillow type uploads and news. I'm sure there will be more as they ramp up to release season two! I'll certainly be linking my episodes here and on my Facebook page (which you should Like on the side bar here because I link a lot of cool stuff there guys!). 

I did not manage to eat any better today, so I just got it out of my system and had the ice cream I've been craving on my way home. Bah. Tomorrow will be a better day and a day to get on track once more. The good thing is that I have a lot already cooked, so I don't have to really try very hard. 

Mixed Berry Juice
Green Tea with Honey

Corn Chips & Hummus
Organic Apple Cider


Monday, November 3, 2014

Day 11

Today was not a complete disaster in that I didn't let one treat take my whole day down. I was on set and all I wanted to do was snack but I managed to keep it minimal and then divest myself of a substantial and sadly not Paleo lunch. Although, I have a better plan for what I'll eat tomorrow based on what I saw other people get today. We had a really fun time at the shoot but there's more work to be done this week, so I'm going to keep this short, look over my lines, and hit the hay.

Mango/Orange Smoothie

Tea with stevia


Turkey, Cheddar, Greens, and Some sort of Dressing on a Roll

Sweet Potatoes
Chicken Breast

Day 10

Eggs, onion, mushroom, and pepper
Espresso, almond milk, and stevia


Ahi Tuna/Avacado/Mixed Greens Salad with Balsamic
Sashimi of Salmon, Tuna, and Yellow Tail
Pickled Ginger
White Wine

White Wine

I made it through the day relatively well, considering I had social obligations in the evening. I probably didn't need TWO glasses of wine, BUT IT HAPPENED and white wine was on my Paleo approved list of alcohols. The fish was wonderful and fresh and I have to give a shout out to my friend Steven who gifted me such a wonderful dinner and introduced me to some of his awesome family members along the way. The Tuna, in every incarnation, was glorious. Everything was so glorious that I didn't take a picture for the blog until it was almost too late. So here. Have this tuna with ginger and a flower.

I also spent time preparing for this week by doing a bit of shopping and preparing some snacks/fruit for the first day of the Bill Lowe (the pillow) shoot. Food is supposed to be provided but I'm not sure whether it's stuff I can eat, so we'll see! Just want to make sure I can stay on track. I also had to pack up some options for costumes so the designer can choose what she wants me to wear. She sent some drop box images and it doesn't seem too hard bring her stuff that fits the mold. The character is a nerdy girl who plays a lot of D&D and is a bit snarky. 

What a stretch. Heh!

But yes! I'm off to bed to get some beauty sleep now so I can be ready for my closeup in the morning.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Day 9 Log

Mixed berry smoothie 

Chai tea with almond milk and stevia

Cashews, dried mango
pistachio, cranberry, and agave bar

Bacon, eggs, onions, peppers, mushrooms
Sweet Potato and Cinnamon

Man, at first I was surprised to find how not hungry I was this morning but by the time it came to making dinner- GOOD LORD I WAS RAVENOUS. 

I also baked up some chicken and more sweet potatoes for use this week while memorizing lines for the webseries I'm shooting. You can check out the first season of Bill Lowe (the pillow) in the meantime. It's a lot of fun and it is written and produced by my friend Sketkh Williams. I'm super excited to be cast in season two, plus it means I get to spend the next 4 days purely on my craft, which is just good for the soul.  

Honestly, it's just nice to have a nice evening in after a cold cold COLD commute in the rain. 

Friday, October 31, 2014

Halloween Log

Happy Halloween, Slayers! I had a really laid back celebration with friends this year. I actually managed to avoid all treats aside from Paleo approved alcohol. I had brought chocolate from Hu Kitchen with me but didn't eat any. I thought about it at the end of the evening but I honestly didn't really feel like eating it, so huzzah! We basically dressed up, ate some delicious food (my friend Emily was such a thoughtful hostess and made sure there was plenty for me to eat), and watched an episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journey. It was super fun and I feel pretty good about my choices, so yay.

One weird thing did happen though. When I was eating my egg, veggie, and bacon bowl in the morning, I honestly almost vomited. I'm not sure why. I eat that all the time but for some reason it just stuck in my throat. It might be that I didn't feel that hungry but was trying to get most of my nutrition in during one sitting because I wasn't sure what would happen the rest of the day. I ended up dumping about half of the bowl because I couldn't stomach any more at the time- something I definitely regretted around 1PM when I couldn't really eat at work yet. Has anyone had this experience before?

Eggs, bacon, onion, pepper.
Espresso, almond milk, stevia


Dried mango
Diced tomato

Hard Apple Cider
Hard Pumpkin Cider

A Paleo Guide to Alcohol

Let me preface this with the fact that IF you are trying to lose weight, drinking is just a waste of calories. However, I know that if you're trying to make a lifestyle change, that you're going to run into celebratory or social evenings where you will be expected or would like to partake. So, with that weighing heavy on my mind (due to Halloween), I will deliver some of the information I have collected from the interwebs.

Technically, the distillation process should get rid of any gluten still in the drink, but if that were the case, we would have gluten free options, because you can never truly tell if that has 100% happened.

Therefor, it is best to avoid BEER. Yes, I'm sorry. Barley and Wheat feature heavily on the ingredients list for this evil concoction, so it is definitely best to avoid it. Even gluten free beer is made from sorghum which is a gluten free grain, so therefor, not exactly Paleo, but if you want a beer super bad, it's the best option.

I like to substitute a low sugar hard cider- mostly made from pears or apples. It is best to avoid the brands with extra sugar. Good= ACE, Strongbow, Crispin. Bad: Angry Orchard, Woodchuck. Those are just some suggestions. Just check the label to see if there's a ton of added sugar or anything before you buy it.

For the Renaissance Faire inclined, like myself, you'll be happy to know that it LOOKS LIKE MEAD'S BACK ON THE MENU BOYS! Yes mead is made from distilled honey so it checks out 100% and it can be sweet and delicious if that's what you're after. 

Wine, both Red and White is often the best recommended alcoholic beverage according to my research. Red is more recommended than white. It comes in organic brands, it can be good for your heart, and contains antioxidants. White wine is stripped of the antioxidants which, as far as I can tell is one of the only reasons it's not as recommended as red. I don't particularly like red, so I'm glad to see that white is an alright option. It should do me well during the holidays. 

When it comes to harder alcohols, Vodka made from potatoes and grains is bad, but vodka made from fruit is alright. Rum made from sugar cane and not molasses is ok. Brandy and cognac seem to be made from distilling wine, so they pass. Tequila is made from agave, so it passes as well.

Definitely avoid Bourbon, Scotch, and Gin. 

With all that information, you can see that even if you want to make this into a lifestyle, you don't have to be afraid of social situations or suffer from anxiety over what to choose. Now you have a few go to options. However, I just want to iterate that I am not claiming that drinking is healthy OR that it will help you lose weight. This is just a guide to help you do the least damage if you are going to have a drink or two along the way and I wanted to put it out there as the holiday season comes upon us because that's often the hardest time for people to stick to whatever lifestyle choices they're making. There are lots of other, more detailed guides out there, but I wanted something quick and dirty for my readers. Feel free to post any other articles or research in the comments. What's your favorite Paleo cocktail?  

Thursday, October 30, 2014

End of First Week and Back to Hu Kitchen


Espresso with Almond Milk and Stevia
Mixed Berry Smoothie

Espresso with Almond Milk and Stevia

Sweet Potato
Paleo Key Lime Bar (seriously wish I had the recipe. I checked the ingredients and they alllll checked out. It was EXQUISITE.)

I definitely feel the switch of my body from burning carbs as a primary source of energy to burning protein first, but ultimately I know it will pass. In the next few days I know my body will balance itself out. I made the mistake (in my exhaustion after a long work day last night) of not buying groceries on my way home. When I woke up on my day off this morning at 11, my body was screaming for food and when I rose to appease it, I felt super faint and weak. There wasn't time to go to the store and THEN cook. I actually didn't know if I could make it. So, I whipped up the bits and pieces of what I did have. It was strange, but it was definitely food. 

Honestly what's getting to me most right now is all the constant cooking and washing of dishes. Of course, I pre-cook some things. I mean, it's totally necessary and I need to suck it up, but ugh. I'm thinking about making up a huge vat of Paleo chili this Sunday so that I can just reheat things for dinner for a few days instead of having to make part of all of a meal each time. Tonight I went to Hu Kitchen so that I wouldn't have to deal with cooking. I had some amazing paleo meatloaf, broccoli, and sweet potato with a Paleo key lime bar. I also picked up some Paleo chocolate bars to review on the blog in the future. This place is so expensive but it was worth it to me and I always find it delicious. I wrote a review a while ago and every time I go back, I love it more.

I also did some research on Paleo cleared alcoholic beverages that I'll share with you tomorrow to celebrate Halloween. I'm headed to a party where I'll probably be a casual Leia, via my hoodie, or a casual Ewok via my new hat and gloves. What I can officially say is that I found some Pumpkin Apple Cider that meets the Paleo guidelines, so that is definitely happening. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Cosplay, Japan, and Sad Chocolate

Day 6 Food Log

Mango orange banana smoothie
Tea with stevia and almond milk

Dried Mango

Sweet potato

Chicken onions, and mushrooms
Salad with EVOO and Balsamic Vinegar

90% Dark Chocolate Square

I decided to bust into my 90% dark chocolate. I ate a square and it tasted like dirt. I remember LOVING it before. I guess I have a bit longer for that super sensitive palette to kick in again. SAD ANNE IS SAD.

However, Sad Anne is not going to be so sad in April when she journeys to Japan with some of her closest friends! Guys, I'm so excited about this trip. I've always wanted to go and this group is "The A Team." We have a smattering of Japanese between us and my friend's Emily and Chris have been there before so they're going to take the reins. I'm so unbelievably excited to experience this adventure. I'm hoping it will be a bit palette cleansing and of course it gives me a damn good reason to stick to my Paleo guns in the mean time so I can really enjoy taking all of our pictures. Emily and I might do an apprentice Geisha photo shoot in Kyoto, which would be amazing because we're definitely going to be there during cherry blossom season. Most of our time will be spent in Tokyo and Kyoto, so if you have day trip ideas for the surrounding towns, please let me know since we're trying to plan and make reservations. I need all the help and suggestions I can get!

In other news, I've been thinking about whatI should do for my next cosplay and I'm torn between Boussh/Leia and the Kotobukiya Mara Jade. I'm leaning towards Leia since I love her so much and no one ever does that ensemble, but Mara Jade is my favorite EU character. Whatever I do, I need to do the project justice so leave your ideas in the comments!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Day 5 Food Log

Small Rasberry Kiwi smoothie
Eggs scrambled with mushroom and peppers
Espresso with almond milk and stevia

Raw cashews
Dried mango
Pistachio cranberry agave bar


Salad with chicken, Carmelized onions and sweet pepper
EVOO and Balsamic Vinegar

Cinnamon glazed sweet potatoes

Guys, I got to work and this was happening. Time to brace myself for the hardest time of year and try not to harm myself or others in the process. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Where the Hell Have I Been?

I'm sure a lot of Slayers have been wondering where I went or why. It has been so rewarding to share my successes with you all since I started posting, but last year, just around Christmas, I started to feel like a real failure, and not just with health.

Oddly enough, it was at that time that I got a really great paid gig to teach theater/voice at my alma mater, Tabor Academy for a limited time during the course of their Winter Musical rehearsal process for Legally Blonde. The experience was incredible. The kids were so committed and spectacular. It was a real Anna from Frozen "For the First Time in Forever" moment. By that, I mean I had been struggling to find a place for myself when it came to the performing arts since college and especially after the majority of my weight loss. Sure I was exercising my creativity through cosplay, but I wasn't necessarily doing what I had intended to do with my BFA in theater from Tisch School of the Arts. I wanted to perform and to coach others and getting to do that and getting PAID to do it gave me both a thrill and also the sense that I'd been waisting my time with excuses for a too long.

For all my claiming that "my major physique change" made my resume look ridiculous and my reel material unusable, I realized that I had actually been fearing whether people would even accept the "new me" professionally. I'd played the butch lesbian and the ridiculous and ridiculed fatty for so long that I didn't really know how to type cast myself and go out for roles anymore. Getting to work with the kids at Tabor and share my wealth of knowledge and experience with them should have made me feel better about what I was doing with my life, but it actually made me feel worse because I realized I should have been searching endlessly for jobs like that all the time instead of becoming an artistic cripple in hibernation waiting until she became a butterfly.

On top of that, my day job became really soul crushing during the holidays. It's our busiest time of year and it is basically a customer service job, even though my title is Tour Guide. It's a lot of traffic and a lot of pressure to make the holidays happen for thousands of people in the course of 7 weeks and it really took it's toll on me. It's not that I hate my job. I actually enjoy it. I just suffer, as anyone would, from dealing with all the negative aspects of providing good customer service to patrons flowing in on an unbelievably relentless scale. By the time the New Year came, I just wanted to go to sleep FOREVER.

So yeah. Cue the self loathing. And then cue the relationship problems. I'll spare you the details, but for the second year in a row, I felt let down by my significant other when it came to being present during the holidays. It's really hard during that time of year because I am so beset by problems at work that I'm not always the best partner either during that time. The anxiety and frustration with each other just accumulated at a crazy rate. With all the stress and the previous year of denying myself holiday treats, I decided to say, for lack of a better phrase, "Fuck it." I was going to enjoy the treats of the holidays when they were offered and I was going to enjoy the food. I didn't gain a lot, but I did gain the holiday weight we all dread.

These negative nutritional changes also followed a few episodes of fainting at work while doing a Whole30. I felt like a complete failure and like this system that I really enjoyed wasn't going to work for me. The high fat was a lot for my gal bladderless body to handle and there were a lot of factors but in the end, my disappointment was another thing that led to my "Fuck it" behavior. I can actually remember the exact moment. I had gotten woozy for the second time at work and my boss handed me a corn muffin and practically demanded that I eat it. That was it. After that, the age of "Fuck It" was upon me.

I decided my New Years resolution was going to be "Don't work for free anymore." Any artist will tell you that making that decision is a HARROWING moment. People tell you all the time "You may never work again if you do that." I decided that I had wasted a lot of time on theater companies that wanted more than just my acting skills and who demanded a lot from me while giving almost nothing in return. It's natural to think that those projects may get you in the front door when those directors get in a position to offer pay checks to their performers. What I'll say is that the one time that happened for me, I NEVER GOT PAID A SINGLE DIME despite having a contract because the director didn't have anyone advising him on the financial side of doing shows and he ended up making promises he couldn't keep- including promising us a certain amount and then getting the cast to take a pay cut so that he could pay the people coming in from Jersey and Long Island more money. How is that my fault? Why should I be penalized? I digress. These are old festering wounds in the form of lessons that taught me to choose carefully who you work with, to make sure the work is paid, and to accept that this may mean taking less work than usual. Frankly, doing all of those projects was keeping me from even attempting to find paid work.

My relationship nearly crumbled at the beginning of February resulting in a lonely Valentine's Day and a lot of stress due to some health scares that I don't want to get into. Suffice to say I was completely rattled. I felt alone. Instead of pumping myself up at the gym, I went less and less. That's not to say that I was completely sedentary, but it IS to say that I got heavily into MMO's again and my obsession caused me to cook less and less and order out more and more.

As my boyfriend and I tried to mend the shambling corpse of our relationship, I attempted my biggest cosplay feat to date. I will always treasure my Daughters of the Eyrewood costume and the experience I got to have at PAX East 2014 because of it. I'm a huge Penny Arcade and I love those guys to death and I love their Eyrewood Adventures most of all. As you can see in our interview video with Nerd Caliber below, we ended up running into Mike Krahulik/Gabe, the artist who created our characters, and he invited us to play test his new game Thornwatch with the PA crew that night. He also showed off our costumes during his panel on the game. It was honestly just the best reception to a costume that I've ever had. To have your work truly appreciated by the original artist and to get to share the experience with them is really incredible. This was my first costume that I can say I completely made myself, minus my shirt, and it was the first costume that I used my new sewing machine on. It was also my first time wiring LED's into a costume. If Mike hadn't invited us to the play test, we never would have made it there because we got mobbed for photos all the time, something that really surprised me because these characters are so obscure. I think anyone who knows about the Eyrewood loves it immediately and I also think having costumes that light up, really rakes in the attention, FYI. This experience did a lot to repair the relationship issues that my boyfriend and I had been having and we really treasured and continue to treasure this experience. We got so close as we experienced our dream of what the best PAX ever could be and no matter what has happened since, I don't think we'll ever be able to top it.

We even got featured on the front page of Penny Arcade in Mike's post about the Thornwatch playtest at PAX East. Guys, when this game comes out I'm gonna run it for ALL THE PEOPLE ANY TIME ANYONE WILL LET ME. It's so badass I can't even. I cannot. Even.

Then I went to Italy, which honestly started out very physically. I hiked every high altitude path connecting the beautiful towns of Cinque Terre with my parents and my friend Passion, who happened to be visiting at the same time. These hikes were super challenging, but I was really glad to see that I could do them because I don't think I would have enjoyed the experience as much at 250 lbs. It was stunning and I felt great for the beginning of our three week trip. It's not that hard to eat healthy in Italy if one avoids pasta. I managed to do that for a while, but then the gnocchi devil got a hold of me near the end of the trip and I put on everything I lost on the mountainsides of North Italy. Also wine. I drank lots of wine with dinner because Italy. Sorry not sorry about that one. It was vacation.

The only problem was, I didn't really get back on track when I came home.

Photo by Adam Jason Photography

Photo by Ron Frary
I auditioned for and got a role in the New York Renaissance Faire as a part of the Sirens of Sterling, an all female six lady a capella group. I feel so blessed to have had this experience. I am in awe of my fellow cast mates and their improvisational and stage combat skills. We all had so much to learn from each other and I made friends that I really hope last a life time. It was also nice to know that I could still work creatively and get paid for it. Huzzah, indeed! On the flipside, I made a lot of poor food choices because I was walking, skipping, and May Pole Dancing for a distance of about 20 miles every weekend according to the pedometer I kept hidden in my waist pouch. I drank plenty of alcohol to lull myself to sleep in the freezing campgrounds and I made the most of the treats on site, including delicious morning pastries and Butterbeer once a weekend. Suffice to say, I may have overestimated how many calories I could burn in a weekend and I certainly wasn't keeping track.

Then, the coup de grace. My boyfriend of two years decided to move in with me after hemming and hawing for about nine months about where our relationship was going. He took two months to prepare for the actual move in. Every time I asked if he was ready, he made an excuse. He was going through a lot of life changes at the time so I didn't pressure him. I was trying to be understanding. After a while, I finally felt like there was something wrong. He admitted to me finally that he didn't want to move in and that he felt like his feelings for me had changed and that I didn't have my life together amongst many other complaints. In a fireball of shock and pain, I relied on my friends, new and old to get me through the last weekend of faire and upon my return, he landed his final blow and we broke up. Words cannot express how sad I still am and how worthless I feel all the time. It doesn't seem matter at all to my self esteem that I'm still acquiring paid creative gigs both as a performer, teacher, and through cosplay commissions. I still feel his doubt in me hammering away at everything I accomplish and it makes me wonder why I wasn't good enough? I should know that I am enough and that it just wasn't meant to be, but as anyone who has suffered through something like this will tell you, it's easy to question yourself even if you know you shouldn't. I have to accept that what he said was his truth and we're damn well better off apart if he feels that way.

I've gotten so much support from my friends and I feel like such a drag for still being sad, despite a month having passed. I feel like I owe it to everyone to try and pick up the pieces and get myself back to normal because they've put so much time and energy into making sure I'm going to be ok. They've cuddled me and counseled me until they were blue in the face and it has been so appreciated. I still sort of don't know how to be single. I've tried going on some dates just to help myself move on, but it just feels so pointless. I'm ready for the real deal and I'm ready to be appreciated and supported by someone who's all in (Thanks new Gilmore Girls obsession), and to give that to a partner in return. All of this dating BS is horrific and I just can't seem to let go and have a good time. It's hard to even have fun because I don't want to just "have fun." I want something real. It's a vicious cycle of convincing myself to take a chance, followed by a sadness spiral that I'll never find what I'm looking for, followed by telling myself not to look and just let things happen, followed by crippling loneliness. The hole in my heart makes me feel like someone died. I guess the person I thought my boyfriend was did die when he let me down. I know that seems over dramatic but that's just how it feels right now. Going from feeling like you're finally about to take that next big step with someone to losing them and having them tell you all your failings have made you less attractive to them is a real shock to the system. I know I'm strong and I can get over anything, but this really does feel like an insurmountable tragedy. I don't know how to go on. I suppose only time will help heal that.

I know this is post is super emo, but it's really just meant to honestly share with you all what my deteriorating mental state has become. I'm not that girl who ran a half marathon right now. I'm not Rainbow Dash. I'm not the elf rogue. I'm not any of those strong people I was transforming myself into for so long and it hurts so much to see myself in such a horrible light. I feel confused and lost. I feel restless. I feel like the problems won't go away. I just want to do something crazy and pick up my life and move across the country to LA or Seattle and just start over. In my heart, I know I'd just be trying to run away from what's gotten lodged inside me- which you can't run from anyways because it's an inside problem. Also bills. Jesus. New York is SO EXPENSIVE. I think sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can get your ass in gear to make good choices and that's sort of what this ticking down of events felt like. The contrast of seeing a better life for myself creatively mingled with the grief from the loss of someone who I thought was my biggest champion and the slow deterioration of my health is just crushing me and I need to get myself back in order. There are things you can't control in life and there are things you can battle. I chose my health long ago and I'm realizing that no matter what, I can keep choosing it, and in fact, I'll have to keep choosing it.

I started at New York Comic Con by focusing not a cosplay character who I felt would help me physically, but one who would help me mentally. I had to start getting myself out of the dumps. I chose to work on Pinkie Pie because I needed desperately to feel happy during my first cosplay/con experience since losing my boyfriend and cosplay partner in crime. It definitely wasn't my best received costume, but it is a start. I made a lot of people smile, true to Pinkie's style, and I discovered that despite my inner pain, I could still have fun, which was a big relief in a lot of ways. I still missed my ex, but I relearned how to experience a convention with friends and even by myself from time to time. It wasn't so bad. I saw a lot of really cool things and all the other costume artisans inspired me to step up my game for PAX East. I haven't made any final decisions on what I'm doing, but it may be Star Wars themed. More on that later.

For now, one hoof at a time.

Day 4 Food Log
Eggs, Bacon, Onion, Peppers, Mushrooms
Espresso, Almond Milk, Stevia

Sautéed Onion, Peppers, Mushrooms
Balsamic Vinegar and Olive Oil.

Pistachio, Cranberry, Agave bar

Sunday, October 26, 2014

The Connecticut Renaissance Faire

Had a great time today, but of course my diet suffered a little bit since it was a special visit to the Connecticut Renaissance Faire. I'm going to honestly list what I had. No, it's not all Paleo, not even a little, but I certainly didn't go hog wild or anything. It was easy enough to keep from eating, but I swear to god, I HAD TO BUY HOT BEVERAGES TO WARM MY HANDS. Guys it was so cold. I should have taken pictures of our group, but I only captured a few parts of my adventures. I wore my Sandlar Huntress, which I've linked on here before. It should be in my after pictures. I did wear a long sleeved shirt underneath cause HOLY GOD. But guys, I froze near to death. I really thought it was the end. My nipples were trying to cut their way out of my bodice by the end of the day. As far as the day went though it was entertaining. Lots of walking through tents selling various crafts, which I encouraged my friends to purchase. We also got to see my fellow cast members and friends from the New York Renaissance Faire perform with the Vixens en Garde and they were fantastic as always. We followed them to the improvised "Mayor's Show" where through some fault of my own, I ended up inspiring Hypolita (played by my friend Emily) to do a burpee exhibition. Initially I was asked to join in and show the people of 1514 what burpees were, but then Joe, Emily's husband, chivalrously saved me from having to do them in my garb. The results were both hilarious and impressive as Hypolita owned the challenge, despite being confined and restricted in movement by her corset. What else would you expect from an Amazon Queen?

We also checked out the Lords of Adventure, another comedy stage combat show that I found really entertaining. The surprise hit of the day was Cirque de Sewer- YES- a rat circus where the rats were named things like E coli and Polyp. I CAN'T TAKE IT. It was surprisingly adorable and I was shrieking like a small child almost the entire time. I tried to take pictures of the rats at the end, but it was a wash because they were super excited about their red carpet moment and climbed on my arm. So, instead I decided to put down the camera and just enjoy the raw ratty experience. I also checked out what seems like a pretty awesome LARPING group. It might be a nice way to get away from the city and enjoy myself/make new friends. I need to broaden my horizons and meet new people, so I'll let you all know more if my research comes to anything. We ended the day at Cracker Barrel, but honestly, that was probably one of my most healthy choices of the day. So tired... must. Sleep.

Hand full of Cashews and dried Mango
Tea with Stevia and Almond Milk

Chicken on a Stick
Steak on a Stick

Hard Cider
Apple Cider
A few bites of a friend's brownie/icecream treat
Hot Chocolate
Fried Twinkie

Chicken with apple/BBQ glaze
Sweet Potato

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Day 2 of Transition

Handful of Cashews
Tea with Stevia and Almond Milk

Dried Mango
Pistachio, Dried Cranberry, and Agave Bar

Green Juice made with Kale, Agave, Lemon, Apple, and Cucumber

Salad with carrots, tomato, balsamic

So yeah. I had a margherita. Not exactly Paleo even a little bit but it was one drink out with friends so I'm not going to sweat it.

BTW. Green juice is kinda gross. I'll put spinach in ANY smoothie but guys. SO GROSS.

Friday, October 24, 2014

There and Back Again

In an effort to refocus this blog more on my personal goals and to get back into the swing of things, I've developed a plan. When I was eating Paleo, the biggest question I got was, "How? Just how could you do it? What do you eat then?"

So in a nutshell, that's what I'll be doing here, whilst also giving you some insight into my goings on in my life.

All I can really say is that in the last year I've been through a lot of stuff that has had some less than positive effects on my health and my relationship to it, but that's a battle we all face daily for the rest of our lives. You can't fail if you keep trying, so here I am; An emotionally broken, more artistically successful, and slightly plumper me trying to navigate whatever this new reality is with a little bit of dignity.

Today I did alright. I hadn't done all my shopping at the beginning of the day so I sort of made do with whatever was around until dinner time. Also I was distracted by catching up on Legend of Korra and Outlander. Sue me.

Today's log:

Mango/Banana Smoothie

Mango/Banana Smoothie

Steak marinated in EVOO and Balsamic Vinegar
Salad with sauteed onion and sweet pepper

Cranberry/Pistachio/Agave Bar