Too Fat for Fashion, Too Corpulent for Cosplay

I've never been fashion forward. I watch Project Runway for the artistic process but I know nothing of designers or trends. I also don't have a ton of disposable income so shopping at trendy stores is just not something I do. I'm not ashamed to say that Target usually suits my needs just fine. When it comes to clothing, I just know what I like and what looks fun and or comfortable to wear.

Black Milk Clothing

At my heaviest, that included black pants and some sort of geeky fitted T-shirt more days than not. If it was a special occasion or a performance, I had a few go-to staples, almost always black. I went to conventions and watched cute girls wear all manner of awesome things like colorful leg warmers or fitted "Black Milk" dresses and leggings, not to mention the cosplayers who were in magnificent costumes that drew huge crowds of people. I was green with envy, but I just figured that would NEVER be me. "I'm too fat for fashion or for cosplay" was on my lips and in my mind constantly. I spent a lot of time resenting the girls who could pull that stuff off. I didn't think it was fair that geeky dudes complained there were only vapid booth babes at conventions and no REAL geek girls, when we were RIGHT THERE! We were just rendered invisible on their radar because of weight, acne, or general lack of sexiness. I spent WAY too much time thinking about all that and not enough trying to figure out what I could do to feel better about myself. 

Yaya Han

What matters is how you feel about yourself! I was missing out on so many fun aspects of fandom all because I was so caught up in my envy that I didn't stop to think about taking steps to open new doors. My rock bottom came because I got tired of "being excluded" from a culture that I loved. The hardest part was realizing that I wasn't "being excluded" so much as "excluding myself." Fixing the issue wasn't just about dropping the weight. I had to pick up new crafting skills too- sewing, construction, design! There was a lot that I didn't know and I'm still learning, but there are also a lot of ways out there to get yourself on track. I made a plan for my exercise and nutrition after doing research online, finding go-to inspirational blogs, and talking to doctors about the best options for me. I also started watching "how-to"videos on youtube so that I could learn how to make the costumes I so badly wanted to wear. It IS possible to make these changes, but you have to want it badly enough that all the effort seems worth it. There are days when I haven't felt like going to the gym and days when I've ruined aspects of my costumes and had to start over. That stuff happens. You have to want the finished product so bad that you keep going and keep sewing! That's why I set lots of goals to keep me moving in the right direction.

So many people get stuck at that stage. There are just so many excuses that pile up when you aren't happy with yourself. The more you say, "I can't," the easier it becomes to believe it. Honestly, I believe anything is possible with dedication and hard work so it SLAYS me when I hear people tell me they could never do what I've done or that they can't believe what I've done because they can't lose ten pounds and they'd really like to. Sometimes I want to take these people by the shoulders and shake them because I've been there and I know it's just not true. Break the cycle by taking smaller steps along the way and getting on the path to your goals. What CAN you do today to get on track? Can you order a salad instead of a burger? Can you go for a walk? Can you watch a youtube video on how to style wigs or mold worbla into armor patterns? Just because you're not ready to go run a marathon or build a full set of Storm Trooper armor doesn't mean it's not worth making the little changes. If you keep saying you can't, you never will.

I don't think I'll ever be a fashionista, but at this point, I find myself picking out outfits I NEVER would have put on before. I think part of me wore so much black because I just wanted to be invisible. I still love black, but I feel like I'm spicing up my wardrobe with a bit more color as well. My style choices have gotten a little bolder. I'm wearing skirts and leggings or cute fitted hoodies with my T's, and layering colorful long-sleeved shirts underneath my geeky t-shirts to make them wearable during the winter. I'm not saying any of this makes me fashion forward, but I'm changing the way I think about clothing and about shopping. It's an opportunity for me to express myself rather than a chore that has to be completed in order to disguise myself.

I've already started my cosplay journey, but as I lose weight, the way I think about choosing characters has changed. I used to think, "what can I get away with as a fat fat fatty?" My first character was Appa from Avatar: The Last Airbender because I figured that surely no one would blame a fat chick for cosplaying as a giant six-legged sky-bison. Also, Appa is awesome. Moving forward, I'm trying to think more about who I want to be in my wildest dreams rather than what I can "pull off" without getting called fat on the internet. I'm still concerned with finding costumes that I think will be flattering- I'm not about to cosplay a midriff bearing character any time soon, but I'm really excited for my Rainbow Dash outfit because that will give me a chance to be something cute and wear something a bit more form fitting and athletic. I've been using that costume as motivation to get myself to the gym so I can look as svelte as possible. The results have been really great so far and I always feel more proactive when I have a goal like that on the horizon. I guess my advice would be to never let yourself rest on your laurels for too long. It's just too easy for me to get comfortable or to get frustrated and give up if I don't have something to look forward to. 

Not only am I leveling up my physical stats, but I've also been leveling my crafting! I've learned how to sew, embroider, and all manner of things just because I decided to lose weight. Next on my list is learning how to work with leather so I can make a Xena costume to wear when I hit my goal weight. I may even get crafty with my regular wardrobe. My Rainbow Dash sneakers turned out so well that I've been thinking of making more versions for different characters from cult TV shows. If that goes well, maybe I'll start an Etsy store so I can make a little money on the side. Firefly shoes, anyone? See, I'm EVEN taking advantage of "game economy" in new ways! Haha, oh life really is more exciting when you see it like an MMO with endless opportunities for adventure. It just goes to show that as you start to making the little changes to yourself,  it bleeds into other areas. The sky is the limit, and even then I'm sure Rainbow Dash negotiates.  

Plateau! In the Name of the Moon, I Punish You!

So I'd been sorta stuck in a weight loss plateau for the last few weeks. I'd been losing 1 to 1.5 lbs a week and it just seemed like everything was fluctuating a ton more than usual from day to day. I'm pretty sure it had to do with me starting on "The Pill" for the first time and my body was just adjusting. Considering many people report weight gain, I suppose I should count myself lucky that my body was capitulating to weight loss at all. I was sort of afraid I wouldn't make my goal for the "Hot by Halloween" challenge on the Nutrisystem community forums if it kept up. Needless to say, I was sort of stressed out about losing weight the entire week and I was nervous I was losing my edge.

Well, today was weigh-in day and I lost 6.4 lbs this week. That's BANANAS! I stuck 100% to my food plan and worked out 4 days with some physical activity on the others. I've heard of downward "swooshes" after a plateau, but damn! This was pretty swooshified. Normally I would have given up at a plateau, but this time, I persevered. I just kept telling myself,

"If you've done everything you can to be healthy with your diet and your fitness routine and the scale isn't moving, then just let it go! Science says that what you're doing will cause you to lose weight so stop being so dramatic and stick to the plan."

I also think, "When I'm sad, I stop being sad and start being awesome," but I digress. Science says it, guys. Science. The whole weight loss thing can be as much of a mental battle as a physical one and it's important to take stock of what you're doing and troubleshoot, but sometimes plateaus happen. Just stick to your guns. Maybe switch some dinners for lunches, adjust the times you eat, or try some new workout stuff to keep your body guessing, but at the end of the day, your body will only go as fast as it can and impatience will only drive you crazy. 1-2 lbs a week is a healthy rate. Sometimes you'll lose more, sometimes less. Just go with it. 

Yesterday I posted a quick celebration of some sports bras fitting that hadn't when I first ordered them, but what I didn't say was that I also tried on some T-shirts I had bought that hadn't fit before. It's been one of my mini-goals to be able to fit into these and I'd succeeded with two of the four so far. So I decided to try on the other two yesterday and BAM! They fit! The one below was especially exciting because there was a lot of shame attached to it not fitting before. You see, a group of friends and I all ordered the same shirts from Teefury.com (a site that releases a new design each day). The image matched the symbol for our guild in World of Warcraft (The Unicorn Alliance) and we decided we all just had to have them to wear en masse to conventions and events. Well I ordered the biggest size available thinking it would be fine, but when it came, barely even fit over my boobs, let alone my belly. I tried to laugh it off by making jokes about being the token fat-ass, but inside I was really hurting and every time they all wore them together, I felt really bad about not being able to join in. So yes, it meant the world when I pulled this on yesterday and found that finally it fit. I shared it on Facebook and everyone was super supportive and awesome. I was filled with warm fuzzies because my friends and guildies have been my rocks throughout this whole journey so far.