Some: Learning The Art of Moderation

I have a really hard time with moderation. I get addicted to awesome things really easily. Sue me. It's been an issue my entire life. I lived and breathed Star Wars and musical theater growing up. I was so obsessed with that stuff that I probably wouldn't have had time to be obsessed with video games too. I was too busy creating "dream" ballets to John William's score followed by nightly sing alongs to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Eventually, I did manage to get addicted to video games. MMO's were my biggest weakness- the sense of achievement, the teamwork, the far flung adventures in awe inspiring landscapes filled with rich lore- it was an absolute siren song sung in pixels. They made it easy to escape into an imaginary world where my daring heroics and skill in combat melted my real problems into nothing.

Well, that was the case as long as I stayed logged in. Once I logged out, I had to face a very different reality- one in which I was extremely sedentary and uncomfortably overweight with an appallingly low self image.

One of the biggest factors in my quest for better health was that when I first started my diet/work out regimen, I completely eliminated video games because I know that once I start, I don't stop and I didn't want to let their "derailing" quality keep me from making good on my promise to myself to adopt new habits.

About three or four months into my journey, Guild Wars 2 came out and all my friends were rabidly devouring its content. I decided that given my good behavior, I would buy it and give it a try. I enjoyed it quite a bit, but playing this game was the first time that something felt off. I just couldn't get into the same flow I used to hit. The achievements and leveling were nice, but not as satisfying as they once were. After a few months, I completely lost interest.

Then along came my beautiful new desktop computer and my gal bladder surgery. Finally, I had an excuse to sit down and sink my teeth into Skyrim. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful game with a huge amount of scope, but I found I could only play for a few hours before I just had to step away. I never used to get that feeling. I used to have to tear myself away from the screen.

The more active and healthy I got, the less I could stomach just sitting still in front of the computer for hours on end. In a way, I shouldn't complain because it's probably a good thing that I don't feel able to "binge-game" anymore. However, this issue has escalated to a new level.

I think I'm developing an odd aversion to playing video games at all.

Photo credit: http://www.dontgiveaeff.com

It hit me around the time I went to PAX East this past year. I realized that I barely knew about or had any interest in any of the games on the show floor. I used to be in the know about all the new releases and always had my eye on the next game I wanted to try. This year, there were only one or two games I even remotely cared about.

On that same trip, my friend Kenny mentioned that he was really happy for me when it came to my success with weight loss but that he missed gaming with me. It made me really think about the last time I'd played a video game. Part of me felt like my very geekitude was being brought into question and I was sort of offended, but there was truth in what he'd said. I'd played Castle Crashers with my boyfriend and I'd watched him play through Spec Ops and a few other things, but I hadn't been in control of an immersive gaming experience in almost six months at that point. I hadn't even played through some of the downloadable content for some of my favorite titles.

No problem, I thought to myself. I'll pick up Skyrim again when I get home.

Only I didn't.  

Believe me, I tried. I've literally sat down at my computer ready for a gaming bender with my mouse poised over the program launcher, but I'll find any reason not to select it. 

I have to work on cosplay.

I have to do my cooking for the week.

I have to clean my room.

I have to write my blog.

I have to check my social media sites.

I have to make notes on my web series.

I have to feed my cat (I don't have a cat, but damn it, I'll make that excuse anyways). 

While I was making these excuses, my Blizzard account got hacked and stollen and I still haven't gotten it back. I don't want to lose it. I feel protective of my countless World of Warcraft toons, 60,000 gold,  and my Diablo III Monk, but something is keeping me from going after the crooks who took it. I might think panda monks are lame, but I still want the opportunity to play one if I want! 

Recently, I adopted a Primal diet- something I'd resisted forever and a day because I just didn't understand how not calorie counting and using your "best judgement" to limit your intake of grains, dairy, and legumes (which are completely prohibited by the Paleo diet) could ever work. I googled it a billion times to see exactly how much of those items were allowed. Everything just said "some." I asked people who followed a Primal lifestyle, "How much is some?"

"However much you feel is appropriate for you," They'd respond. 

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN! HOW IS THAT HELPFUL?" I collapsed in on myself like a dying star. 

I was looking for structure and exactitude, which had been a huge part of following the Nutrisystem guidelines, but which also was driving me slowly insane. 

Imagine counting every calorie you put in your body religiously for a whole year. Imagine fretting about whether or not you've burned enough for the day and worrying about when you're going to fit in the early morning workout or whether you should go out with your friends because they're going for ice cream after the activity. It's grueling and sometimes lonely. It's totally necessary to go through the process when you're teaching yourself a new way to live, but it can go too far. 

In practice, while I fully intended on living Primal, I've actually ended up living Paleo partially because I can't take the pressure of "some," but also because I'm finding that I do have a bit of a gluten allergy (CURSE YOU AND YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL, BAKED GOODS) and maybe a little lactose intolerance too (/cry Icecream).  I am getting used to this whole "controlling your own sense of moderation thing" in terms of realizing when I'm full so that I stop eating. I've been limiting nuts, sweet potatoes, and fruit since I am still working on weight loss, so those are the only items I measure or weigh when I consume them. I will say that being full all the time has drastically improved my moods and not having to log everything I put in my mouth every day has really taken some of the pressure off. To me, it's worth eschewing those three food groups because I got my sanity back.

Yet, there are free days every so often where I go a little wild. I eat some ice cream or pizza. I have a piece of candy and BANG. The rest of that 24 hour period is cats and dogs, living together, mass hysteria... in my mouth.

That's what she said.

What I'm trying to say is that because I've spent the last year taking control of every aspect of my life that was in excess, I'm now finding it hard to enjoy "some" of the things that I still want to keep in my life without letting them take over my life. 

With all this swimming around in my head, it dawned on me the other day that the reason I haven't been able to sit down and become immersed in a video game is that I'm terrified that I'll actually do it or even worse, I'll do it forever and lose all the progress I've made! I wish this was one of those blog entries with a wonderful solution all locked up in a pretty blue Tardis, but it's not. I'm still figuring this out. If it were as easy as, "I don't really want to game anymore" or "I could die happy if I never ate chocolate again," the problem would be solved, but life isn't that easy. Sadly we don't just get ourselves addicted to stuff that's not only awesome, but awesome for us. We all have to contend with "some" things that are only good for us in moderation. 

I'm haven't been completely unsuccessful at moderating my behavior. My free days are planned. I set them ahead of time and when they're over, they don't hang around (and despite being truly overindulgent 24 hour affairs. My only rule for now is that I stop eating if I feel sick or the food stops tasting like anything). I've adopted a Paleo diet so that I can stay sanely moderated most of the time without having to do so much math. I've found an exercise routine that I like (so I don't give up on it) and that I can vary in case of bad weather or a weirdly scheduled day. I make sure I have one or two days of rest a week so that I don't put too much pressure on myself or my body. I downloaded Star Trek Online because it was free and I was hoping that my new love of Star Trek would help me get into it. I started playing the new Tomb Raider with my room mate (we trade the controller after each failed quicktime event). I've only managed about 3 hours of game time in the last week, but at least it's something. This is all progress, but I'm still not where I'd ultimately like to be. I want to enjoy things that I love without fearing them or stressing out over them.

So, I'm putting this question out there to all of you! How do you moderate your food, gaming, hobby, passions while remaining on track? Obviously willpower is the biggest factor, but I know you guys are smart! I KNOW YOU HAVE SECRETS. Please don't tell me the Princess is in another castle. I know if we put our heads together we can think of some great ways to moderate our behavior without having a personality where fun goes to die. 

So while you do my work for me and start answering that question, I'm going to go sit in front of my awesome customized gaming computer and try to get myself to launch Skyrim because it's my day off, I'm sick, it's raining, and I deserve a little R & R after the long week I've had. I'll let you know how far I get.

Killer Guacamole Recipe

I mentioned this in Monday's blog post, but I am loving using Guacamole as a dressing on my salad. Of course you can easily buy guacamole at your local grocery store, but it probably has preservatives and a few other ingredients that you want to avoid if you're trying to eat paleo or primal.

There's only one man I turn to when I want good guac, and that's my father- or as he's been referenced before on the blog, Caldephron, Lord of the Moon, your friendly lvl 1 Night Elf Druid. He never made it off of Teldrassil, but damn can he cook. 

Caldephron's Paleo Guacamole

Serves: 4 people

Ingredients:

• 4 Avocados 
• 1 lime
• 1 Small tomato
• 12 sprigs fresh cilantro
• 1/4 Cup finely chopped onions 
• 1/4 tsp ground cumin
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 4 Nacho slices (jarred pickled mild or
  medium Jalapenos), finely chopped
• 2 Cloves crushed garlic
• 1/8-1/4 Cup extra virgin olive oil

1. Take your cilantro sprigs, remove the leaves and chop them up. Next, chop up your tomato, onions, Nacho slices, and garlic and dump the ingredients in a mixing bowl.
2. Add in your cumin and salt.
3. Cut the avocados in half. Easily remove the seed by giving the seed a quick rap with a sharp knife. If you twist, the seed will come right out. Hand chop or mash the avocado in a SEPARATE mixing bowl.
4. Add the olive oil and freshly squeezed lime juice to your avocado. You want to be sparing with the olive oil so only add it as needed to get your desired consistency. 
5. If you're ready to serve, then mix the ingredients from both bowls together and enjoy! If you're looking to use the mixture over the next few days, cover the two bowls with saran wrap. Store refrigerator and mix in the portions you want as needed. It only keeps for a few days so keep that in mind. If the avocado mixture begins to brown, you can scrape the brown bits off the top (it's only a reaction to oxidation).
6. If you need to keep it longer term, create the avocado mixture, freeze in airtight bags. Then you can thaw out your portions as needed and add in the fresh ingredients when you're ready to eat it.

Willpower: Your Limited Mana Pool and You

Willpower.

All health choices ultimately come down to that one thing.

How badly do you want it and what are you willing to give up?

Every task, from work, to working out, to dealing with unpleasant social situations draws on the same resource; Willpower (or self control if you prefer). Lately, I've been struggling to manage my "limited mana pool," so to speak. 

For 11 months. I've turned down cupcakes and candy while watching others graze on them at will. I've woken up at 6 in the morning to make time for runs before work despite exhaustion. I've traded gaming time for gym time and the freedom of eating "wherever my friends want" for making sure that there will be something I can eat wherever we go.

Add in a very physical job that requires me to manage groups of 30 people from around the world for an hour at least three or four times a day. It requires me to walk at least 5 miles during the work day alone, and provide the best in customer service to over 1000+ guests a day.

Add in the emotional anniversary of the death of a friend.

Add in my stress over trying to figure out how to pursue my acting career in this new body.

Add in my boyfriend (one of my major rocks), moving back to Michigan for the summer.

The reason I'm listing all these stress factors is because it takes the same type of energy to behave like a mature, mentally and physically healthy adult in the face of all those hurdles despite how different they are.

Sometimes it really seems like the perfect storm, and despite the fact that I have been able to stay on track with my health goals, I've become slightly pugnacious, rude and confrontational in the face of my increased stress load. My fuse is the shortest it's ever been and I really don't like the person I'm becoming.

Seriously, I'm not far off from this:

Many whelps, guys. Many whelps.

Just think about your own life.

How many times have you had a really crappy or exhausting day and made a bad decision using your experience as an excuse?

I ran around the city all day getting ready for my big trip so I'll skip out on the gym because I'm exhausted.

My boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with me so I'll drown my sorrows in a pint of ice cream. 

I just had a really shitty day, so it's ok that I was short with my dad on the phone.

We've all been there. We're only human. Usually when we cave and make a bad decision or lash out aggressively it's because we aren't managing our mana pool efficiently. Then when we don't execute our plans perfectly, it feels like there's no point and more mistakes follow.

But what do we say to the god of death? 

Not today.

Even when the walls are caving in, you have to learn how to cope without relying on your old toxic habits or taking it out on the people around you. If you want to keep fighting for your health, you can't just throw up your hands and accept defeat. You need to change your tactics and evolve.

First, you have to accept that you cannot be perfect at everything all the time. You need to prioritize what you're going to excel at, what you're going to do well at, and what you're going to let go for the day.

It's sort of like prioritizing a kill order for mobs in a video game. Save the bigger spells for the the bigger bosses and get by with the smaller ones to take out the less threatening ones.

If you know you'll have an exhausting day at work, then choose a lighter workout, but plan to eat on your plan perfectly. If you know you'll be going out to a truly fabulous dinner with friends, give yourself a little more leeway if your diet execution has been stellar for the last few weeks, but go hard when it comes to the gym that morning so that you earn it. I usually try to get new personal records in my runs on these days or put in some extra time on attempting new yoga positions so that I can feel like I really accomplished something great.

NOTE: Don't go overboard on the whole "going out to eat with friends" social excuse. Generally, I've been giving myself one day a week where I don't have to meet my deficit on fitbit if there's a significant social occasion, like a birthday. Try to plan things so that treats are just that; TREATS. You don't need cake all the time, but you shouldn't deny yourself the odd indulgence if you plan for it ahead of time and make it an active choice. 

It's also important to start recognizing what recharges you and it's critical to find things that don't involve eating as form of stress relief. After all, before you face a new boss on raid night, it's important to stock up on your mana potions!

What stress factors can you eliminate quickly and which are out of your control? If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and think of little things you can do. Would cleaning your desk make you feel less stressed? Can you take out the trash or go out and get your groceries? Can you clean out your email inbox?

Is there some activity that you really enjoy that seems to erase the stress of the day? Treat yourself to a pedicure. Carve out some time to watch a movie you've been dying to see. Cuddle with your significant other on the couch and talk about your day together. Schedule an hour to PVP. Maybe you don't have a whole day to lounge around and devour reruns of Doctor Who on Netflix, but you can find some time for yourself if you do some creative thinking.

Can you make time at least once a week to hang with friends and relieve some stress? Sometimes this road to health can be lonely and it can definitely make you feel isolated. Make sure you are putting in time with your friends because it will help you keep a level head. They knew you before you started on this path and they'll be able to step in and help you if you seem to be going a little bonkers.

Is there a physical activity/ritual that seems to center you? Try out some yoga or meditation. Download some new music and go for a walk while you listen to it. The more you can discover physical activities that you truly enjoy, the better off you'll be in the long run.

It's time to accept the things you can't control and and take the helm when it comes to the things you can. Learn to recognize the difference and you'll be able to keep yourself moving in the right direction. Success is just the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what. You might not always be perfect, but if you can assess your failures, forgive yourself, and learn from them, then you'll always be ready for the next boss fight will a full mana pool and enough willpower to lead your raid team constructively without the threat of 50 DKP minuses. 

Jedi Mind Tricks & Fitness

I wish I could say I'm a total health nut who loves the gym and that I think brownies are icky sugar toxins, but I'm not. It still takes willpower to stick to my mission. I'll never stop loving days where I can completely immerse myself in a video game for hours on end or enjoying a Hobbit themed feast with my friends. For my first month, I completely avoided those things so I could create new habits and in a way, detox/wake up my body. Seven months into this lifestyle change, I've definitely indulged in some treats and devoted hours on end to adventuring in Skyrim without derailing my progress one bit. The question became, how do I use delicious treats and non-active geeky indulgences as motivation to put in the effort at the gym and the table a majority of the time? My answer: A reward system. I unlock an achievement, I get a trophy. I bribe myself to do healthy things I'm not crazy about with things I love but should only do in moderation. 

Even though I don't love going to the gym, I like the elliptical machine. After the "shiny newness" of a new health regime wears off, working out on a machine can feel a bit like subjecting yourself to being on a "hamster wheel" 5 times a week. What makes the day in/day out tedium of watching statistics flash across the screen bearable is being able to watch my favorite TV shows. I don't have time to sit down and rewatch all the shows I love, but if I do it at the gym, then it's accomplishing something instead of just marathoning them nonstop while I sit on the couch and surf the web. The bonus to this system is that it provides another fun way to measure my progress. After all, you can't always expect the scale to go down, so why not measure you're level of awesomeness by how many cult TV shows you've watched while at the gym. For the record, I've watched every episode of Firefly, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and 2.5 Seasons of Xena: Warrior Princess whilst busting my ass at the gym. Next in the queue: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There are people who say it's detrimental to watch TV whilst exercising because you'll relax and not push yourself hard enough. To counteract this, I did research to find my optimal heart rate and I make sure that I stay in it while I'm working out. I also choose shows with a lot of kicking ass in them- usually with a female heroine I dig- so whilst Xena is bashing heads or sprinting through the wilds of Ancient Greece, I pick up my intensity. 

There are other smaller "Jedi Mind Tricks" I use to make sure I stay motivated and continue to push myself. For instance, if I try something new and truly despise it, I don't force myself to keep doing it as long as I still go to the gym and do something else. A personal example would be weight training. I tried it out when I started my gym membership, but I never felt engaged by it and I didn't really see any results despite my research and sticking with it for over a month. I just decided there were too many other active things I could be doing/trying with my time. I will note that I initially decided I hated Zumba and now I take two classes a week, so who knows? One day I might totally get back into it. In any case, I still wanted to do some conditioning and eventually I started going to yoga classes two or three times a week. I've built up my strength and balance exponentially. Plus I can measure the progress of my fitness by being able to reach new poses or stay in unmodified plank or chaturanga longer. The other evening I was able to do "upward facing dog" instead of "cobra" AND "unmodified side plank" for the FIRST TIME. I felt awesome afterwards. On days when I'm not feeling particularly "zen," I just tell myself I'm training to be the Avatar. I defy you to do "yoga warrior dance" and NOT imagine you're doing the dance of the dragons with Zuko and Aang. No kidding. That shit works every time. 

My willpower weakens significantly when it comes to video games. If I get sucked into a story or fixated on a goal in game, I will not stop until that best in slot item is mine. Seriously. I have problems.  I used to be like this:

You know, except with lady parts. Not pretty, right? A lot of people think video games are "the enemy" right now, and not just when it comes to fitness. People who know almost nothing about these games are asserting that they cause violent tendencies, rob you of real life experiences, or are senseless garbage that will rot your brain- I could talk about how I don't agree with those accusations all day. I won't because that could be its own post. One thing I can say is that they ARE addictive and that I have personally experienced gaming addiction to the extent that some of my friends had to stop the madness and screw my head on straight again. Did I to stop playing video games altogether? No. I just had to learn to enjoy them in a way that would not prevent me from persistently pursuing a marked improvement in my health. For my first month on Operation: Stop Treating Your Body Like Poop, I didn't play many video games- and certainly no MMOs (my personal crack). Once I had my fitness and nutrition routine under control, I started allowing myself to play games again, but ONLY after I'd been to the gym or done my chores. In my opinion if you're a productive member of society and you're looking after your health, who CARES if you spend 4-6 hours that evening raiding Icecrown Citadel with a bunch of pixelated buddies? I'm sure there are people who still think video games are the devil, but that's my take on the issue in relation to my own health at any rate. 

Are there things you do to bribe yourself into healthy eating and fitness habits? Leave your tips in the comments!

Plateau! In the Name of the Moon, I Punish You!

So I'd been sorta stuck in a weight loss plateau for the last few weeks. I'd been losing 1 to 1.5 lbs a week and it just seemed like everything was fluctuating a ton more than usual from day to day. I'm pretty sure it had to do with me starting on "The Pill" for the first time and my body was just adjusting. Considering many people report weight gain, I suppose I should count myself lucky that my body was capitulating to weight loss at all. I was sort of afraid I wouldn't make my goal for the "Hot by Halloween" challenge on the Nutrisystem community forums if it kept up. Needless to say, I was sort of stressed out about losing weight the entire week and I was nervous I was losing my edge.

Well, today was weigh-in day and I lost 6.4 lbs this week. That's BANANAS! I stuck 100% to my food plan and worked out 4 days with some physical activity on the others. I've heard of downward "swooshes" after a plateau, but damn! This was pretty swooshified. Normally I would have given up at a plateau, but this time, I persevered. I just kept telling myself,

"If you've done everything you can to be healthy with your diet and your fitness routine and the scale isn't moving, then just let it go! Science says that what you're doing will cause you to lose weight so stop being so dramatic and stick to the plan."

I also think, "When I'm sad, I stop being sad and start being awesome," but I digress. Science says it, guys. Science. The whole weight loss thing can be as much of a mental battle as a physical one and it's important to take stock of what you're doing and troubleshoot, but sometimes plateaus happen. Just stick to your guns. Maybe switch some dinners for lunches, adjust the times you eat, or try some new workout stuff to keep your body guessing, but at the end of the day, your body will only go as fast as it can and impatience will only drive you crazy. 1-2 lbs a week is a healthy rate. Sometimes you'll lose more, sometimes less. Just go with it. 

Yesterday I posted a quick celebration of some sports bras fitting that hadn't when I first ordered them, but what I didn't say was that I also tried on some T-shirts I had bought that hadn't fit before. It's been one of my mini-goals to be able to fit into these and I'd succeeded with two of the four so far. So I decided to try on the other two yesterday and BAM! They fit! The one below was especially exciting because there was a lot of shame attached to it not fitting before. You see, a group of friends and I all ordered the same shirts from Teefury.com (a site that releases a new design each day). The image matched the symbol for our guild in World of Warcraft (The Unicorn Alliance) and we decided we all just had to have them to wear en masse to conventions and events. Well I ordered the biggest size available thinking it would be fine, but when it came, barely even fit over my boobs, let alone my belly. I tried to laugh it off by making jokes about being the token fat-ass, but inside I was really hurting and every time they all wore them together, I felt really bad about not being able to join in. So yes, it meant the world when I pulled this on yesterday and found that finally it fit. I shared it on Facebook and everyone was super supportive and awesome. I was filled with warm fuzzies because my friends and guildies have been my rocks throughout this whole journey so far.

Lok'tar Ogar! Boobies!

That's Victory or Death, in orcish- the war cry of the Horde in World of Warcraft and my personal battlecry when it comes to weightloss! Well, not the boobies part, but that's just applicable today in particular.

How's this for a victory? When I first started my diet, I ordered three new sportsbras and I'm definitely... ahem. "Stacked"... As they say, so it's always expensive and never easy to find good ones that offer support, are comfortable, and still fit.

Anyways, I ordered them when I started the program and when they came, ONLY ONE fit. I was really mad at the time, because I had ordered the largest available sizes in all of them and I had spent about $80 bucks total.

BUT BEHOLD (well not literally... hehe)! I just decided to try one on to see how far I had to go. AND IT FITS! IT FITS IT FITS IT FITS. Ahem. It. Fits.

So yes. I'm wearing my new Under Armor bra to the gym today. Suck it, fitness! BAM.