Every man is a Tardis; defined by a rigid structure on the outside and containing infinite possibilities within. I think the most common misperception about weight loss is that it's a physical act. You move your body, you eat the right food, and then your results happen.
Yes, the Tardis travels, but it's what's inside that gets it from place to place.
More important than your physical ability to become more athletic and active is the decision to take the first step, the second, and so on. It takes a strength of mind and sense of vigilant determination that I'm not sure everyone is ready to deal with, especially if what you're seeking is a major transformation.
Losing 100 lbs took a little under a year for me and in that year, my size wasn't the only thing that changed. It was a little bit like regenerating. I discovered I had a "fighting hand." I confronted my demons, I stood up for myself when I felt I was being mistreated, and when I made mistakes I fought to get back on track. Those were not things that were a part of my personality before hand, but they feel like a second skin now.
The fact is that life is going to hand you a lot of distractions that fall outside of your rigid little plan of action. During the last year, I had to constantly ask and remind myself why I was putting myself through it. I reminded myself of all the things I was rejecting from my life and why. I had to get in touch with why I was worth getting up at 6AM to run, why my decision to not enjoy Holiday season treats along with everyone else for one year was a necessary step, and why I should keep exposing myself to new workouts, and nutrition knowledge despite being comfy with my routine. I got in touch with what I wanted. I wanted to be able to go to the doctor and not have my weight be an issue. I wanted to cosplay with confidence. I wanted to be able to experience a more physical body. I wanted to salvage a chance at a career in the entertainment industry. I wanted to be proud of every part of myself and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I live without regrets.
What you want can change, but it's important to keep revisiting it or you'll lose direction and focus. Hell I wanted to be an astronaut more than ANYTHING when I was younger. I still want it, but it was unrealistic given my complete lack of mathematical prowess. It felt like an earth shattering regeneration when I realized I needed to look somewhere else for a goal and drive, but it's what has made me who I am today and it got me in touch with my more natural inclinations and talents as a story teller and as a performer. I'm sure I'll face a ton of wibbly wobbly timey wimey transformations throughout my life as I learn more specifically what I want, but as long as I keep asking the question, I think I'll get where I'm going.
When it comes to your health, keep asking yourself what you want. Don't be afraid to change things up as long as you keep traveling. Don't be afraid to end up in the wrong place and learn from it. Don't be afraid when you see your personality changing along with your physical body. Don't be afraid of the destination when you arrive.
Don't blink. Not because of the angels, but because if you do, you might miss all the fantastic nuances of the journey you're on. You won't remember the number on the scale as much as you'll remember everything you learned on the way there. That's what will keep you traveling in the end.
When you feel yourself slipping, the best way ahead is to make a plan. Then all you have to do is execute it. Now you're saying, "Yeah Anne, but executing is hard!" It is hard, but it's even harder if you're just flying by the seat of your pants.
So here's my plan for the next 6 weeks. I've been on vacation in England, enjoying the Ren Faire every few weekends, and attending conventions all summer. That's all fine, but I have fallen off the wagon when it comes to my health and its time to get back on it and get my bum in gear (and in squats) so that when the holidays hit, I'll be back in the habit again!
It's dangerous to go alone, I hear, so I'm teaming up with my friends Shannon and Steven for this adventure! We have some separate goals but are overlapping in a few areas. It will be nice to have two good friends to stay accountable with.
Goal 1: Fly, you fool! I have to get back to running 3x/week. I fell out of the habit on vacation and the few times I've tried since getting back... it's been terrible. I can blame it on the heat all I want, but I know the real issue is just that I've lost a lot of the stamina I built up. No more excuses. My running should be composed of one HIIT workout with sprints and 2 longer runs (35-40+ minutes) each week. They can be outside or inside on the treadmill.
Goal 2: They'll be back, and in stronger numbers. Strength training 2x/week. This will all be bodyweight based and done through yoga or circuits. Idealy I'd do this more than twice a week, but I'm not going to pressure myself to workout more than 5x total a week right now. It's more important that I get back to regularity than to overpressure myself.
Goal 3: Whole 30. I'm going to be detoxing all my bad decisions with this month long program. I was inspired by Mike's juice fast and I think this will be a great way to kickstart my Paleo routine again whilst cleansing my system. Shannon and Steven are joining me on this adventure and it will include opportunities for us to all get together and cook new things. My alternate reason for committing to a Whole 30 is because NYCC is coming up in 3 weeks and I want to be at my best for my Dragon Age cosplay. You can follow along with construction on Facebook if you're interested!
Goal 4: Let's Put on a Show! My career (as far as the arts are concerned) has been totally destroyed by this transformation process. That seems like an extreme statement, but because my body has changed so much, nothing that's on my resume or that has been made for my reel is helpful because I'd never be hired for those roles anymore. It's like everything I built doesn't matter towards building my life into what I want it to be. That's always been the thing I DID have under control while my weight and health suffered. Now it's the other way around. I've been struggling a lot to figure out how exactly I'll turn this around and stop the self loathing/frustration cycle. I suppose the best cure is to get myself back to work and make new things. Shannon asked if I wanted to do a concert with her and another friend and I think it's the perfect opportunity to get my feet back into the water. We know that the concert will be in January, so it will take more than six weeks to finish the goal completely, but there are specific steps we're planning to take in the next six weeks. They are:
Set a date
Meet 1/week for a "state of the union"
Secure accompanist/ music director
Secure filmographer (so that I can get some new reel material)
Make a budget and plan
Save $25 a week towards the cost of producing the show
So those are my goals for the next six weeks starting TODAY! It's a little scary but I'm excited to be playing this game co-op with some fellow geeks! Do you have a plan you're trying to execute? Why not share it in the comments so we can all show our support!
I'm not a huge superhero gal, but I've always had a thing for Ironman. Ever since I saw Ironman 3, I've been thinking about Tony and his personal struggle at the heart of the film.
Is he the sum of his parts as a man, or is he the sum of his suits?
I think this really struck home with me because I've come to a very difficult part of my weight loss journey. It used to be that I had a progress picture to post every month or some new personal record to tweet or blog about. As I edge ever closer to my goal, things are slowing down and I'm transferring my focus from a diet to a way to live daily. There are fewer shiny new "IronAnne" suits to show off on a regular basis.Frankly, sharing them was one thing, but they meant more to me than they did for anyone else. Without hanging onto the victories, there's only the climb- and the climb can be damn tiresome.
Like they were for Tony, my "suits" were a way of proving to myself I was on the right track and distracting me from any daily struggles I was having. They showed my skill, my determinations, and of course the results of my evolving lifestyle. Do I want a cookie? Yeah, but think about how great it was to cosplay at PAX? Don't I want to look even more badass at BronyCon? Looking at those results makes me hunger for more of the same.
In Ironman 3, Tony's work keeps him from facing his crippling horror following the events in New York at the end of The Avengers. Focusing on building the suits makes him feel like he has some sort of control in a situation of such staggering proportions that is beyond his comprehension.
Similarily, you have some control in weight loss, but when it comes to the scale, you can't force it do anything. You can do everything right from eating to working out and still, you can't say definitively whether you'll lose three lbs that week or none. You can only set yourself up for success and your body is just going to do what it does. In other words, you can only try to build suits. If they explode in your hands before seeing the light of day, that's just the risk you accept when you take on the challenge.
Hell, even Tony Stark faces his fair share of unexpected malfunctions.
If the suits are unreliable, what then? Without the suits, who are we?
We are the suit makers. Your suit didn't work out the first time? Great. Make a new one. The power is in your hands.
In layman's terms? Your results are great, but it's the work and your will to do it that matters. Even on my worst days, I still worked out. Even after I binged on donuts and BBQ, I got up the next day and I went grocery shopping so I could restock my fridge with Paleo goodness. Even when I was afraid to see the results on the scale, I still faced them because I remember how awful it was the first time. I'm never going back to square one because in square one, I didn't even have the will to try.
Our perseverance in the overwhelmingly massive task of our daily health is absolutely key to our success. There won't be more results if you can't recover from setbacks. It's only a failure if you stop trying. Plus, despite how awesome it feels to build suits and get results, at the end of the day- heck, at the end of our lives- you have to be enough for yourself.
You're the only person who can make the changes and flip that switch inside your head from "excuses" to "game on." We can elude ourselves all we want with distractions like measurements and scales and diet plans, but none of that gets executed without the man or woman inside the suit calling the shots.
So what am I saying?
I'm saying be Ironman, damnit. Make the suits, sure, but don't forget that the ability to craft and control them is more powerful than the suits themselves.
In my recent "Challenge Accepted" post, I decided to take on my very first 20km run in order to celebrate reaching my first 20k unique views on the blog. It was definitely an insane thing to try considering I've only run about half that distance without stopping before but I decided to take it on anyways. I got my dad to film the whole thing so I could share a bit of schadenfreude with you all in thanks for your continued readership and support of my journey.
All in all, I did pretty well. I went out of the gate a little fast in the beginning because we had mapped out the distance wrong and the course I was visualizing in my mind was incorrect so I did run out of gas a little earlier than I had meant to. I ended up alternating walking 2 minutes and running 5 from 6-10 miles, but in the end those last two miles really almost did me in. My body just wanted to stop walking. There was a moment where I was telling my feet to keep moving but they just came to a halt for a split second and I had lots of cramping in my back. I just tried to run when I could but I couldn't seem to get back into my groove. I did manage to finish under 3 hours and without dying (always a plus!), which was my major goal, so I was happy. I'd have to do some more training before attempting anything like that again! As far as injuries, I only really have a sore toe, but that didn't keep me from running two days after the 20k, so I'm hoping it will heal up soon!
There are some more very cool things on the horizon for the blog that I'm excited to share with you. I'll let you know all about the developments as soon as I can!
All health choices ultimately come down to that one thing.
How badly do you want it and what are you willing to give up?
Every task, from work, to working out, to dealing with unpleasant social situations draws on the same resource; Willpower (or self control if you prefer). Lately, I've been struggling to manage my "limited mana pool," so to speak.
For 11 months. I've turned down cupcakes and candy while watching others graze on them at will. I've woken up at 6 in the morning to make time for runs before work despite exhaustion. I've traded gaming time for gym time and the freedom of eating "wherever my friends want" for making sure that there will be something I can eat wherever we go.
Add in a very physical job that requires me to manage groups of 30 people from around the world for an hour at least three or four times a day. It requires me to walk at least 5 miles during the work day alone, and provide the best in customer service to over 1000+ guests a day.
Add in the emotional anniversary of the death of a friend.
Add in my stress over trying to figure out how to pursue my acting career in this new body.
Add in my boyfriend (one of my major rocks), moving back to Michigan for the summer.
The reason I'm listing all these stress factors is because it takes the same type of energy to behave like a mature, mentally and physically healthy adult in the face of all those hurdles despite how different they are.
Sometimes it really seems like the perfect storm, and despite the fact that I have been able to stay on track with my health goals, I've become slightly pugnacious, rude and confrontational in the face of my increased stress load. My fuse is the shortest it's ever been and I really don't like the person I'm becoming.
Seriously, I'm not far off from this:
Many whelps, guys. Many whelps.
Just think about your own life.
How many times have you had a really crappy or exhausting day and made a bad decision using your experience as an excuse?
I ran around the city all day getting ready for my big trip so I'll skip out on the gym because I'm exhausted.
My boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with me so I'll drown my sorrows in a pint of ice cream. I just had a really shitty day, so it's ok that I was short with my dad on the phone.
We've all been there. We're only human. Usually when we cave and make a bad decision or lash out aggressively it's because we aren't managing our mana pool efficiently. Then when we don't execute our plans perfectly, it feels like there's no point and more mistakes follow.
But what do we say to the god of death?
Not today.
Even when the walls are caving in, you have to learn how to cope without relying on your old toxic habits or taking it out on the people around you. If you want to keep fighting for your health, you can't just throw up your hands and accept defeat. You need to change your tactics and evolve.
First, you have to accept that you cannot be perfect at everything all the time. You need to prioritize what you're going to excel at, what you're going to do well at, and what you're going to let go for the day.
It's sort of like prioritizing a kill order for mobs in a video game. Save the bigger spells for the the bigger bosses and get by with the smaller ones to take out the less threatening ones.
If you know you'll have an exhausting day at work, then choose a lighter workout, but plan to eat on your plan perfectly. If you know you'll be going out to a truly fabulous dinner with friends, give yourself a little more leeway if your diet execution has been stellar for the last few weeks, but go hard when it comes to the gym that morning so that you earn it. I usually try to get new personal records in my runs on these days or put in some extra time on attempting new yoga positions so that I can feel like I really accomplished something great.
NOTE: Don't go overboard on the whole "going out to eat with friends" social excuse. Generally, I've been giving myself one day a week where I don't have to meet my deficit on fitbit if there's a significant social occasion, like a birthday. Try to plan things so that treats are just that; TREATS. You don't need cake all the time, but you shouldn't deny yourself the odd indulgence if you plan for it ahead of time and make it an active choice.
It's also important to start recognizing what recharges you and it's critical to find things that don't involve eating as form of stress relief. After all, before you face a new boss on raid night, it's important to stock up on your mana potions!
What stress factors can you eliminate quickly and which are out of your control? If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and think of little things you can do. Would cleaning your desk make you feel less stressed? Can you take out the trash or go out and get your groceries? Can you clean out your email inbox?
Is there some activity that you really enjoy that seems to erase the stress of the day? Treat yourself to a pedicure. Carve out some time to watch a movie you've been dying to see. Cuddle with your significant other on the couch and talk about your day together. Schedule an hour to PVP. Maybe you don't have a whole day to lounge around and devour reruns of Doctor Who on Netflix, but you can findsome time for yourself if you do some creative thinking.
Can you make time at least once a week to hang with friends and relieve some stress? Sometimes this road to health can be lonely and it can definitely make you feel isolated. Make sure you are putting in time with your friends because it will help you keep a level head. They knew you before you started on this path and they'll be able to step in and help you if you seem to be going a little bonkers.
Is there a physical activity/ritual that seems to center you? Try out some yoga or meditation. Download some new music and go for a walk while you listen to it. The more you can discover physical activities that you truly enjoy, the better off you'll be in the long run.
It's time to accept the things you can't control and and take the helm when it comes to the things you can. Learn to recognize the difference and you'll be able to keep yourself moving in the right direction. Success is just the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what. You might not always be perfect, but if you can assess your failures, forgive yourself, and learn from them, then you'll always be ready for the next boss fight will a full mana pool and enough willpower to lead your raid team constructively without the threat of 50 DKP minuses.
Lately, my points of view about fitness and nutrition have been shifting. I'm far more focused on eating enough, making sure I'm in control of my choices, and paying more attention to how I look, what my measurements are, and how I feel than what the scale is telling me. It's really hard to let go of those "number" goals because they do give you something specific to work towards.
However, the BMI scale, is a little skewed. It's a bell curve so if you are very tall or very short (like me), the weight it wants you to be is sometimes a little off. If you're average height, the readings will be much more realistic, however, it doesn't account for muscle mass. There are professional athletes who are "obese" according to the BMI scale. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Have MANY ways of measuring your progress because they all have their pros and cons.
All that being said, I did hit a really important milestone on the scale recently. I've officially lost 100 lbs. I couldn't believe it when I looked down and saw the number. It was the complete opposite of the sinking feeling I felt at the beginning of this journey when I had to come to terms with where I was starting. I was completely elated and I walked taller for the rest of the day.
This event coincided with a huge non-scale victory. I have a huge family event coming up and I had to go shopping for several nice/semi-formal dresses to wear. I haven't seen my dad's side of the family or been home to Chicago in over a year. It will be like showing up as a different person. When I see people I haven't seen in a while, I sort of feel like I'm wearing my own skin as a costume. It's always a topic of conversation (which I've become ok with), but there's always a dicotomy going on inside me because I know I've changed, but I don't want to feel like I'm throwing away the person I was before. It's hard to really see myself as the new me from underneath my skin because I've been here the whole time. It always cracks me up when my friends see me after a week and they're all, "Dude, you look even smaller than the last time I saw you!"
I think there's always a certain amount of tough self criticism whether you've lost weight or you just struggle with how you see yourself. It's not that I can't see any change, it's just that I don't see it as extremely as the other people in my life, plus I'm still really self conscious about sagging skin and the remaining plumpness. Recently, this video from Dove has been making the rounds on the interwebs. A sketch artist draws two versions of each woman featured in the video, one as described by the woman herself, and another as described by a random person who has just met them for the first time. I wanted to include it here because I think it's important to keep our demon's at bay when we embark on these major metamorphic journeys. Easier said than done, but watch it!
Meanwhile, back at Macy's: My awesome and VERY generous mom offered to treat me to some nice clothes so I could put my "new and improved" best foot forward. I took my best friend, Emily with me because I'm ABSOLUTELY hopeless when it comes to fashion. Give me a geeky t-shirt and jeans and I'm golden! This girl is my rock and always the Harley Quinn to my Poison Ivy on these little shopping adventures. Five months ago I had to get a dress to sing at a friend's wedding. I was a size 14 and that was so great because it meant I was out of the plus sizes for the first time in years. I decided to try a size 12 tonight because that's what I fit into at work when I was getting new dress pants for my uniform a few weeks ago. Emily was doubtful about that because she thinks our work pants run small, but we tried it.
Too big.
We tried a 10.
Too big.
On it went till I was wearing a size six. You'll notice I'm a bit misty eyed in the photo because as soon as it zipped, I began to bawl. This huge feeling just washed over me and as the energy of the moment coursed through me, it sought release. I wasn't sad. They were tears of joy. I've never been in this size before. Ever. Hell, I've never been this fit in my life. I've never been this healthy. I've never been surrounded by so much love and support and I've never been so proud to live in my own skin.
Emily and my boyfriend Brandon have been so supportive of me throughout this metamorphosis. Both of them have been my confidants. Before I post anything very raw or emotional on the blog, I always talk about it with them first to get my head on straight. I'm not always easy to deal with. There are times when I've been a complete MESS or I've lashed out because the stress of waging constant willpower war amidst all the other distractions in my world has left me so raw that the slightest thing will set me off. They have born the treacherous waves of my emotions, the onslaught of my self doubt, and my fears of losing control with open hearts and warm hugs. That's true love and I thank my lucky stars that I have that surrounding me every day. I'm at a distinct advantage because of it.
I've had a lot of overwhelming experiences in dressing rooms and most of them have been negative. I've always hated looking at myself in the mirror and even though my mom always did her best to help me hide my flaws when we went shopping, that's what it was always about. There were always alterations and letting pants out and hemming "tall person clothes" because I couldn't fit into the regular sizes in the kid's section. The money and the time she spent on trying to make me look at feel good must have been astronomical. I feel so much guilt about it now because I know she must have felt like I was throwing it back in her face by not doing anything to change my unhealthy habits. I must have seemed so ungrateful.
I never fit into the dresses I wanted to wear. Before this experience, I'd never had the exciting feeling of seeing "the dress" on the hanger, putting it on, and having it fit like it was made for me. I had to work for it- and I MEAN WORK! Haha!
That's why was indescribably special to me to share this moment with Emily because she's been there through it all and she's been so selfless in her support of me. This was something every girl wants to feel and I finally got it with my best gal pal. I'll never forget it. It was... big.
Even better, I got several other dresses to wear for the weekend (MEDIUMS, I'll have you know! /flex!) and some GREAT jewelry to pair with them.
I had to go with this black slinky dress because I'm in the middle of my Big Damn Hero Challenge and if Zoe gonna wear a dress, she wants "something with some slink."
I also got something with a few ruffles to satiate the Kaylee in me.
I still have a lot of journey to go. and I know that there are demons and dragons to face going forward, but that's why I'm taking this moment to celebrate and remember why it's so important to persevere.
It's worth it. It's worth every goddamn drop of sweat, every tear, and every hard won willpower war.
So my little Slayers, if you're out there fighting for better health, keep fighting. Your struggles are just blips on the radar if you keep going. If you can do that- putting one foot in front of the other consistently- you can achieve great things in time.
Today was weigh-in day and I finally saw a number I could be proud of on the scale after conquering a few weeks of weight loss agony, plateaus, and starvation mode woes. I lost 5.6 lbs this week and I'm officially down 95 lbs overall! This is a very special victory for me for multiple reasons.
Reason the first! At PAX East, I went off the deep end a little bit. I spent the week prior to the convention reintroducing all the foods I'd been leaving out of my diet, as well as trying to get myself back on track and out of starvation mode. I was also trying not to obsess as much about things and therefor I wasn't planning on looking at the scale till the Monday after PAX. Then came the actual convention. Sure, I did everything right leading up to it. I packed most of my food ahead of time and I only planned to eat out for dinners and for coffee during the day. Then I realized all too late that I would need fresh veggies and I would have to get salads at the con where I wouldn't have as much control over portions or content. This threw off my budgeting both for cash and calories. I also planned to enjoy a meal at Fire + Ice in Boston on Thursday night and even though I loaded up my stir fry with a ton of veggies, I still went to the ice cream bar for desert and DESTROYED the most overindulgent delicious sundae ever complete with mint chocolate marshmallow fudge. My lack of gallbladder screamed in protest. I told it to SHUT IT. It was cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Once I had that sundae, my sugar addiction kicked into high gear. My boyfriend got mint chocolate cookies and I had to have one because my costume was "getting uncomfortable and eating cookies=relief." Really? What kind of an excuse was THAT? I had a brownie one night. I ate a whole chicken caesar wrap the size of a baby arm another night. It was out of control. I felt out of control and I didn't like it.
When I came back home on Sunday night I said, "That's it. You've had your fun. You need to get your head on straight now that you're home. No excuses." It was a struggle, but I persevered. I ate all the food on the plan just like I'd been doing prior to leaving. I can now say I've made it through the whole week without depriving myself of anything I was supposed to eat which is huge for me. I also resisted SEVERAL temptations along the way since did end up going out to dinner two nights in a row! However, I didn't stray. I made a plan and I stuck to it. It was agonizing and willpower draining, but I feel like I finally exorcised all the sugar and chemicals from my system and I have my eyes on the prize again.
Reason the second for celebration is that my brand new Fitbit arrived on Wednesday. It's a handy little wearable gadget that tracks my steps, my distance, and my daily calorie burn (based on my height, weight, and other statistics) and uploads all the stats to a website so I can log my food and make sure I'm hitting the right calorie deficit to hopefully lose two pounds a week. It's pretty incredible! I will do a more in depth review of the product at some point, but suffice to say, this little tool gave me the kick in the pants and the extra bit of excitement I needed to push through some of the really hard days I had this week.
Reason the third: I found out that I'm officially not obese on the BMI scale anymore, just overweight. So instead of being a fat fat fatty, I'm just a wee bit tubby. Still, it's a huge accomplishment and I wanted to relish it because I'm never going back to that old me ever again.
So, I ask you, what better way is there to celebrate all of these accomplishments then to assume my rightful place up on the Iron Throne of Westeros in my Megan Lara Khaleesi t-shirt. I really can't think of one.
I've been extremely disciplined over the last two months as a part of reaching my weightloss goal for the next convention I'm going to and also as a personal double dog dare to not only to recommit to my goal, but to challenge myself more physically. I've stuck to the Nutrisystem plan completely 6-7 days a week without flexing or eating restaurant food at all. Since January 1st, I've lost about 12 lbs and I'm just 5 lbs from the goal I have in mind for March 22. Because this is a two month exercise, I've been pushing myself a LOT harder than I intend to going forward, but I have seen some pretty remarkable results! My body is visibly changing. I can feel my muscles engaging in new ways in my yoga classes and I can work on new poses that I couldn't reach before. I've been really improving all my coordination in Zumba and my foot work is getting faster and more precise. It's really cool to see the results of your journey in your capabilities rather than just what's on the scale at your weekly weigh-in.
After losing 4 lbs./week for the last two weigh ins, I felt like my body was REALLY holding onto every ounce of fat! I only lost .8 lbs this week. For the last few days, even though I was eating perfectly and exercising a lot, the scale crept up about .2 lbs a day. It might be frustrating to look at, but I know enough about health and fitness at this point that I realize it's just my body adjusting, building muscle, and adapting so that I can continue to lose. A lot of people get really frustrated by that. On the surface, yes, it looks like you didn't measure up to one of those killer weeks where everything goes right and the scale shows a huge number. However if you stop and think about whether you made all the good choices you could have that week and your response is, "Hell yes, I'm awesome," then why waste ANY TIME thinking you're not just because that number wasn't so impressive? Don't let the scale succeed at that bluff check when you know you've done well. The work is in your control. The number is not.
It's my friend's birthday party tonight and I've already packed my dinner, a mandarin orange snack, and a breakfast bar for tomorrow in case I stay over at my boyfriend's place. I worked extra hard at the gym today, skipped my snack this morning, and will skip out on my dessert entree tonight so that I can enjoy one of my friend's cupcakes with buttercream icing tonight! It's like I always say, set yourself up for success by planning ahead, and you can feel free to enjoy yourself later! Next on the nutrition agenda, planning for my Valentine's Day date because I know I'm going to want to enjoy that in all it's splendor! For me, planning my indulgence days makes it all the easier to stick to my diet and fitness regime 100% the rest of the time because I have goodies to look forward to!
This weekend was a true test for me. I went to Annapolis to sing at a friend's wedding being held at The Naval Academy. My goal was to have lost 50 lbs by then. I'm proud to say I passed that test with flying colors- and with a few pounds to spare! I even bought a new dress and some jewelry to match for the occasion. Size 14 and my first time out of the plus size section in quite a while! What do you think? :)
The wedding weekend was a test in itself. It was my first vacation while on this diet and I don't think I did too badly. I still lost a pound and a half this week overall (though I know I put on a pound and a half over the four days I was gone which is kind of sad :( ). Mostly I tried to give myself free rein to eat whatever I wanted within reason. I had my breakfast bar every morning and a cup of coffee with skim milk and splenda. After that I veered off program. I would just take tastes of the things offered that interested me (mostly crab of all kinds since it was Maryland after all!). When it came to deserts I just had a little bit of cake or whatever, but not the whole thing. It wasn't a perfect system but I held myself pretty accountable most of the time. My biggest downfall was drinking a few too many cocktails over the course of the celebrations, but I was surrounded by naval officers who were ferrying me from bar to bar and I didn't want to be antisocial. I know that's terrible excuse, though. I did manage to go to the hotel's gym on Sunday to work out for an hour. I walked everywhere because I don't drive. Plus, at the reception we danced like crazy! At least I can say I remained active!
Even though I didn't make the two pounds lost mark for the week, I think I exhibited a fair amount of self control in a tough situation. The result was that I got to indulge a little bit without gaining any weight overall this week. Huzzah! This morning, I hopped back on the plan and now I'm recommitting my energy to weight loss.
I'm no wilting little girl Alice, folks. I'm warrior Alice. Ok, I grant you the Tim Burton movie was terribad, but seeing as I've finally dipped below 200 lbs, I'm happy to be in Onederland at long last!
I've been struggling to get to this point for what feels like a million years.
I never want to go back. I have to savor this moment as a victory, but keep it as a reminder of how hard it was to reach. I remember the last time I was doing a weightloss program and I dipped below 200 lbs. I said the same thing. "Never Again." Clearly I turned that promise to myself into a lie...
Obviously I stumbled and fell that time, but I was desperate and I was ill. I was suffering from anorexia and depression and I was completely unhealthy. I believed that if I couldn't control my actions with a vice-like grip, it wasn't worth trying at all. When I finally broke under the pressure, I gained over 100 lbs in 3 years. I'm so ashamed when I think about that and of course saddened by what I put my body through, let alone what I did to destroy my self image.
This time I feel like I'm really making life changes in my behavior and even in the way I think about food and staying active. I'm not afraid of saying "Never Again" now because I really mean it. Also, I will "never again" view Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.
Another week, another 4 lbs GONE! Just 1.2 lbs from my 30 lbs lost weightloss goal for New York Comic Con (which is just a little over a month away). I'm not one to count chickens before they hatch, but it looks like I'll be CRUSHING that goal, which is exciting.
I've been sick this week, but I still went to the gym. There is nothing worse than exercising whilst you're sick. I've only been able to muscle in a half hour on the elliptical for the last few days. It was definitely a struggle for me and I really felt unable to go at it the way that I normally do. At least I did SOMETHING instead of throwing in the towel. Hopefully I can lick this cold and get back in fighting shape. It's slow season for work so I'm only scheduled a few days this week. I'll be buckling down at the gym and pushing myself to get back to where I was before the storm of sick hit me.
I also realized when I weighed myself that I was due to put in measurements for the month. Last month, I sort of winged it, but I wanted to make sure I was doing it right so I looked up how to do it on YouTube and found I was measuring the waist wrong and that I was supposed to include the love handles and cross over the belly button, as opposed to the thinnest part of my torso which is just a few inches below my bust. So sadly, that added 7 inches to my waist measurement, BUT I lost about 7.5 inches from all the other areas combined. I'm sure, had I measured the waist correctly, then I would have lost there too instead of gained. Measurements are so important because sometimes when the scale won't move, they will. I can be a really great motivator in the midst of a plateau.
The fact is that life is going to hand you a lot of distractions that fall outside of your rigid little plan of action. During the last year, I had to constantly ask and remind myself why I was putting myself through it. I reminded myself of all the things I was rejecting from my life and why. I had to get in touch with why I was worth getting up at 6AM to run, why my decision to not enjoy Holiday season treats along with everyone else for one year was a necessary step, and why I should keep exposing myself to new workouts, and nutrition knowledge despite being comfy with my routine. I got in touch with what I wanted. I wanted to be able to go to the doctor and not have my weight be an issue. I wanted to cosplay with confidence. I wanted to be able to experience a more physical body. I wanted to salvage a chance at a career in the entertainment industry. I wanted to be proud of every part of myself and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I live without regrets. 
