Unwanted Superpowers: Enter "Anxiety Girl!"

Hey Slayers, Simone here.

After 2 weeks of fighting off a sinus infection and a separate ear infection, I'm finally starting to feel better -- I can breathe and (almost) hear again! -- but all is still not harmonious in my world. I've been letting the insecure, impatient voice in my head (non-affectionately referred to as "Anxiety Girl") hold a little too much sway lately, and it's been challenging to keep a positive, can-do attitude.

by Natalie Dee

I don't know about my fellow nerds out there, but I spend a lot of time in my head, and I tend to over-analyze things endlessly. I like to fret about the future, set wild expectations, worry about plans, and then wallow in disappointment when they don't happen the way I hoped. My mom is a yoga teacher and I grew up with some great exposure to the concepts of mindfulness and the importance of being in the moment -- but I'm a young-20s Internet addict, and the only time I've been "in the moment" lately is when I get a reply on Imgur.

Usually I'm also very "present" when I'm working out in my garage. I get to let go of all those extraneous thoughts and just be in my body for awhile. Those three nights are typically the highlight of my week. Sure, they're challenging, but I feel so accomplished, strong, and capable when I complete the workout, all sweaty and exhausted and triumphant. Unfortunately, due to my sinus infection I haven't done a full workout in two weeks, and Anxiety Girl has once again put down roots. Instead of focusing on my progress, I think about how weak my lifting is compared to my friends and my own expectations for myself. Instead of celebrating small wins, like my growing tea-collection, I've been extremely guilty about allowing my recent illness to tank my participation in the "November Nutrition" challenge that I personally orchestrated for my fellow garage crossfitters. Instead of being grateful for my new job, I'm stressing on my upcoming student loan bills and how I'll ever travel, afford a dog, or pay off my debts on my still-tight budget.

While it wouldn't hurt to relax and de-stress, I suspect I'm right where I should be for a recent college grad. (In fact, I realize that I'm awfully lucky for a recent college grad.) But I spend a lot of time daydreaming. There are places I want to travel, projects I want to do around the house/yard, four-legged canine friends I want to add to the family (or domesticated foxes, if you know where I can find one of those). . . . And the majority of my friends are 5-10 years older than me: they're all married to each other, they have houses, they take vacations, they've figured out how to stick to their budgets and pay their bills on time. I have entirely zero of those things, but it all looks very appealing. And as an impatient person who would like to create a career, turn our rented house into a home, travel, and not stress about affording silly things like food, it's tough not to compare my "just figuring it out" situation to their "established" one.

Ultimately, it will all work out. I'll get back on track with my diet. I'll gradually add some weight to my front squats. I'll figure out how to pay back my student loans and organize my budget. But the main thing I think I need to learn -- besides the ever-challenging "live in the moment" -- is that I can't expect myself to tackle everything at once. Just because I got to cross "graduation" and "stable job" off my list doesn't mean all my problems are solved. I can't expect myself to be a 100% paleo, frugal pro-weightlifter who regularly meditates, goes running, and joyfully puts the laundry away as soon as it's done. Patience, padawan.

I want to be helpful and encouraging, but I really don't have any solutions yet or advice to offer on getting through these ruts. All I know is that you do. 

Do you notice yourself feeling a bit run-down during the holidays? When you get overwhelmed or anxious, how do you handle it? 

--Simone

Motivated Monday: September Goals Check-In

Hey Slayers, it's Simone again! Sorry for the delay from my normal Friday post; I left work early with one of my rare migraine+aura combos, and while I'm lucky that my migraines are incredibly infrequent and far less severe than many, they're still not very conducive to writing, thinking, or really doing anything other than taking a nap. However, I'm rested up and back from a productive weekend, so let's dive in!

My September goals are going fairly well overall, though certainly far from perfect. (How does the quote go? "No plan survives initial contact"?) As far as tracking my spending goes, I have diligently kept up my check register in addition to checking in on my budget on Mint.com. Hooray! The snags: My part-time job is at an outdoor retailer with insanely good deals for its employees; I just ordered a brand-new $200 winter jacket for $40. I mean, with a deal that obscenely good, how can you not? (I think I spend more money at that job than I actually earn....) And, living in a northern state, you can never have too much cold weather gear. You remember the Stark words, yes?

Where I live, this meme will never die.

Because fully half of my fun/miscellaneous budget was eaten up by my contribution to our garage's new C2 "Imperial" rower (cue Darth Vader theme), I'm making a few allowances to stretch that this month since technically we bought it in August. Next month I'll have to be extra diligent, though, since our kung fu instructors' weekend retreat is coming up around Halloween, and my paycheck will be a bit slimmer since I had to go home early on Friday with that migraine. Oh, do I dream of a day where I'll have paid time off!

If you've ever rowed for part of your workout, you know that they really do belong to the Dark Side.

I am now firmly in the midst of my Zone kitchen experiment as well. It's tough to balance all the macronutrients (carbohydrates, proteins, and fats) at each meal! I had a successful weekend of meal planning and food preparation this weekend, though, so I'm excited to see how this week goes now that I have a better idea of what to expect.

It's easy to get discouraged when you're handling normal life stresses (job satisfaction, daily commute, messy house, busy calendar...) and trying to work towards a healthier lifestyle on top of that. Being a recent grad, I've definitely been dealing with some grass-is-greener moods myself. After 5 years, I couldn't wait to graduate and have a steady paycheck. Now I do, but it's still a temporary position (cue stress!), and the 19-mile work commute downtown takes longer than my previous 45-mile commute to school. Gotta love that downtown traffic! I guess I was naive last year at this time, in the midst of battling with my thesis, to think that my life would be less stressful without homework; these paychecks are only bringing me closer to student loan bills and "Wait, this isn't what I want to do with my life" concerns.

Anyway, all we can do is continue to take small steps towards where we'd like to be, and remember to appreciate the things we do have now. For the past few weeks, I've been posting quotes I enjoy each Monday on Twitter with the hashtag #MotivatedMondays to try to start the week off strong. And though my Asian Studies degree no longer reflects my desired career path, it did supply me with a wealth of philosophical Chinese quotes. Here's one for today:

"It does not matter how slow you go -- so long as you do not stop." 

~Confucius

-Simone

Engage!

One of the fitness tips I really struggle to accept is "Focus on one goal at a time." Sure, it makes perfect sense: if we have a limited amount of willpower, focusing on changing one small habit before you move to the next is wise, right? Aye aye, Captain Tightpants!

Shiny.

But no matter how logical this is, I haven't figured out how to do it yet. I want to adopt a cleaner diet. I want to get stronger. I want to get faster. I want to learn all sorts of new things that are outside my comfort zone. And on top of all of that, I also want to help others accomplish similar goals, too.

10-4, good buddy!

Slow down there, Bandit! This isn't a mad dash across state lines in a Trans-Am (sadly). Unfortunately, I've been having trouble prioritizing lately. I'm trying to increase my performance at CrossFit (including working towards my first pull up); I want to add krav maga, kung fu, yoga, and parkour classes back into my schedule; I want to get even a little better at both distance running and sprinting; I want to start attending a CrossFit "box" in addition to working out in my garage; I want to do more outdoor activities; I want to pursue coaching certifications and experiences; I want to continue learning how to autocross like the Stig; I want to learn Morse code, Ham radio, and how to tie sailing knots . . . and there are two jobs to go to, house projects to do, trips to plan, meals to cook, adventures to be had, and oh yeah, eight hours of sleep to catch each night. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, and I can guarantee you that I'm not any closer to 90% of these things now than I was last week. It kind of makes me want to check out and not attempt, well, anything.

Some say he read A Storm of Swords in forty minutes and didn't bat an eye at chapter 51.

I don't have an answer on how to balance all that crazy yet. I'm not even ready to say "_____ is my one priority right now, and I'll move on to ________ after that." (I'd tell you that my one priority is to be less stressed, but figuring out how to de-stress is stressful.) I'll try to work on prioritizing and focusing my scattered goals for next week's post. Hopefully.

Until then, I'd love to engage with the Project Reroll community a little bit and hear your stories. Maybe we can inspire each other! I'm new to PR, so, tell me about yourselves. :)

Engage!!

If you want to share your life story, let's hear it! Otherwise, if you don't have the time to write a memoir, I'd love to hear your answers to a few of the following questions . . . (I swear #4&5 aren't me selfishly looking for new suggestions!)

1. What brought you here? How did you find Anne's amazing story?
2. Who aren't you? What are you overcoming? What are you leaving in your past to become the new you?
3. What's your current goal? Cleaner diet? Paying down debt? Strength training? Planning a trip? All of the above?!
4. What are some of your favorite, motivating songs when you're running/driving/waking up on Mondays?
5. What's your (current or all-time) favorite video game or novel?

Here, I'll go first:

1. I found Anne through her interview on Nerd Fitness. She replied to one of my comments about trying the "Zombies, Run!" app, and was super awesome, so I came over to the blog and started devouring the archives. :)
2. I really struggle with believing in myself. As I work on that, I'm slowly leaving behind the timid, overly cautious girl in my past and becoming stronger and more confident.
3. Yes. All of the above, and so much more! I swear I'll pick just one. Maybe. I hope.
4. Titanium (David Guetta ft. Sia) always gets me to run faster; I just discovered Hall of Fame (The Script ft. Will.i.am) from a suggestion on PaleOMG and am digging it; We Own It (2 Chainz ft. Wiz Khalifa) rocked the intro of Fast 6 and makes me want to go out and be a badass. BONUS: They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard!! sort of makes me want to run, too, even though I'm with Gimli on the whole distance running thing.
5. I'm currently loving my first taste of the Lara Croft empire with Tomb Raider Reborn. I'm told I should try Uncharted, but I have no PS3. (I'll save my immense archive of favorite reading material for later!)

Your turn! Let's hear your stories below. Make it so!

-Simone

L2 Boldy Go, Noob

I've been in a really dark place lately. Crazy mood swings, battling severe sweets cravings, not making much progress with my workouts (still doing them!), missing my boyfriend (I know... how emo can I get?), wondering what I'm doing with my life, freaking out over my lack of acting career- you get the picture. It's like walking through molasses... but without being able to eat any of it. Bummer.

My friends very sweetly remind me that I've made some huge strides in my life during the past year. Health wise, I can't deny that it's like I'm a different person. That's just one aspect of my life though and I just feel like a directionless fool most of the time. I try to follow my passions and honor what I love in life, but as far as monetizing my skill sets, I feel like I'm reaching a glass ceiling. What was all my book learnin' even for? If I get healthy, great... but if there's still a mediocre life waiting for me once I get to my goal weight and start maintaining, how the hell am I supposed to stay motivated to be the best me I can be?

This kind of thinking is circular and while I know it does happen to us all from time to time, it's important not to let it take over because it's not productive. I have to stop it before it stops me.

What does all this have to do with Star Trek? The only thing that has successfully helped me decompress is watching Star Trek: The Next Generation with a big mug of Chai tea. Every time the intro played, I thought about words issued by the rich voice of Sir Patrick Stewart.

"To explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life; to boldly go where no man has gone before." Star Trek encourages us to celebrate the spirit of exploration, regardless of the results. After listening to those words over and over, I realized that I should be focusing on what I can do to make my life better rather than all the things that are holding me back or seem to be going wrong. After all, without that will to "go boldly," there won't be any results to speak of. Ergo, the answer to my depressed malaise must be to inject my days with a reinvigorated zest for trying new things.

Research into my upcoming shift to eating/living Primal has certainly given me something new to focus on and has renewed my excitement about what I'm eating/cooking. I've been making huge salads lately and making the shift away from low fat dressings to using avocado or even guacamole. It's amazing how tasty that is. TRY IT IMMEDIATELY!

When I went home, I made it my goal to get in all my workouts to prove that even on vacation, I can make time for my health. I also tried to get my family out on walks and as active as possible. My parents are participating in the walk to Mordor, but they're way behind on our goal to finish by the end of the year so I figured this might encourage them to see what a little extra time spent on simple activity could do for their Fitbit statistics. We did tons of walks both in Chicago and in Michigan and we even took our dogs on a few of them, which was fun.

While away, I realized that breaking up my routine is actually a great thing for stress relief. My mood was vastly improved by taking runs through areas I wasn't familiar with. Maybe my run times weren't as good but it was a nice way to experience the environment and feel a revitalized sense of fun in my workouts. I'm getting that in spades right now because I'm house sitting for my friends who live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan right near Riverside Park while they're abroad in Japan . I'll be here for the next few weeks and the park has gotten me really pumped for my runs, though it's certainly more hilly than I'm used to. However, this halfling does have to be a bit wary as I run past Isengard. There be ORCSES in them thar hills!

I'm also taking care of their kitties, Vivi and Eiko. Despite feeling a little isolated right now  , it's been really fun to have those two around for cuddles, playtime, and light one sided conversation (they're good listeners. DON'T JUDGE ME!). Sadly I don't think there are kittens or puppies in my future at home because of the expense and my inability to keep a steady schedule, but at least for now I have these two cuties to keep me company. It definitely breaks up the tedium of a boring evening alone after an exhausting day of work.

To top it all off, I had a chance to hang with some fellow Nerd Fitness rebels today! I met up with one of them earlier in the day and we enjoyed the near perfect weather as we strolled through Central Park. We even discovered there was a celebration called "Japan Day" going on with tons of cosplayers, traditional entertainment, and free food. Later, we met up up with two more forum members at Brooklyn Boulders to do some rock climbing! I had no idea this place even existed and it as soon as we walked in, it just felt like a giant playground for adults. 

I was really nervous because every time I've tried rock climbing, I've made it a few feet into the air and just hung there in terror until my forearms gave out under the immense stress of my weight. I was sort of nervous the same thing would happen this time and I'd become the red-headed step child of the trendy fit kids club. I knew my new comrades wouldn't really judge me, but I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to criticism and shame spirals (if you hadn't noticed!).

Instead this happened.

When will I learn not to sell myself short? Apparently never.

Tomorrow a bunch of us rebels are meeting up with even more forum members and forming our own "away team" for a day of New York sightseeing and exploration! I'm looking forward to wracking up the miles on my Fitbit, making new friends, and putting my non-deficit day to good use when we settle in for some good vittles! Of course, I have to earn the right to "play" by paying the price in the morning with a four mile Zombies, Run session.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I know I haven't fixed all of the things that are leaving this dark cloud over my head. They're still present, but I'm not letting them stop me from seeing the potential that the world has to offer me. I'm still boldly going where no Anne has gone before and I don't intend to stop any time soon.

...See what I did there?

Evolution of a Diet Plan

When I started my quest for health, everyone stressed the importance of having a plan. I knew the basics of "healthy eating" because I'd gone to nutritionists and diet counselors before.

I knew I should be eating more vegetables and less carbs. I should stop binge eating when emotional tension runs high. I need to learn how to cook eventually if I want to eat healthy on a budget.

Yet, even with the basics, I needed something to cling to- a daily routine that would get me moving in the right direction and strictly control my portions- something that would dictate exactly what I needed to do.

Enter, Nutrisystem.

This was a great program for me. Honestly it allowed me to learn about portion control and it gave me the variety in foods that I needed to push through the first part of my journey without having to rely on my poor cooking skills. It provided a great online community for support and monthly challenges to keep me motivated.

However, there's not a lot of support for the physical side of things on Nutrisystem. They suggest 30 minutes of activity but they don't have many resources about what activities are best for weight loss or what different types of work outs can help you achieve. In addition, people get used to blindly eating whatever is in their entrees for the day. A lot people on the program have no idea WHY what they're doing is working and it keeps them returning the program because every time they leave, they aren't able to maintain what they've managed to lose. Lastly, it's debatable whether or not it's a "healthy" program. It certainly helps you lose weight. I lost over 100 lbs on Nutrisystem. It works. However, you are filling yourself with processed food constantly and that has it's own disadvantages. You get your four cups of veggies and your snacks, which can be fresh dairy, fruits, and nuts, but everything else comes in a box and is filled with chemicals and preservatives to give it shelf life and approximate the flavors of the indulgent meals you WISH you were eating instead.

I also recently came to terms with the fact that setting a weight goal based purely on BMI can have its drawbacks if you're one one severe end of the bell curve it uses. Let me illustrate.

These graphs were generated by Fitbit to show what qualifies as underweight (blue), healthy (green), overweight (orange), and obese (red).

Here's my chart. I'm 5'1". I am truly hobbit sized.

Here's my boyfriend's chart. He is 6'3". He is Hagrid sized.

He has a range of 52 lbs in his healthy weight section while I'm left with a measly 36 lbs for my target zone, not to mention he can be 240 lbs before he's considered obese! That blows my mind. Clearly there's a lot less of me than there is of him so on that level, yes, my target should be smaller, but also keep in mind that these numbers are applied arbitrarily because they don't take your actual body composition into account. It takes flat weight and does not reflect any knowledge that muscle weighs more than fat. There are professional athletes who would be considered obese on the BMI scale even though they're clearly performing at their physical peak! 

When it comes to any plan, you need to stick with it long enough to make sure you're giving it a chance, but you also need to recognize when it's time to adjust or move on. As your body evolves, your thinking and your knowledge base will as well. Go-to health snacks you were completely enchanted with will start to bore you, things you thought were super healthy may turn out to be the opposite, and activities you hated may become your favorite workouts of the week!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready to step away from Nutrisystem and move towards cooking my own food using the Paleo/Primal Blueprint as a model with planned indulgences for special occasions. What I've been doing has been very rewarding for the past 11 months, but changes are on the horizon. I can't stay on Nutrisystem forever anyways and I'm finding that I don't need as much structure to stay on track as I did in the beginning. In fact, the structure is beginning to drive me quite mad at times and that's causing more trouble than its worth.

My weight loss is slowing because I'm getting down to those last few lbs pounds and I've begun doing more strength training. My measurements are reducing drastically and I'm blowing my fitness goals out of the water for my "Big Damn Hero 6 Week Challenge" so I know I'm on the right track. Physically I'm where I want to be (despite having a bit more weight to lose), but I want to fuel my body properly for the work it's doing rather than feeling like I'm filling it with properly portioned chemical packs every three hours.

At this point, I want to focus on eating fresh, whole foods and I'd like to have a little more flexibility when it comes to going out to eat. I'm very tired of being a pack mule and carrying around days and days of Nutrisystem food and I am now confident in my ability to make informed healthy choices "in the wild." Having to stick so rigidly to the Nutrisystem guidelines is driving me more insane than it's worth when what I'm really craving is delicious stirfry for dinner and breakfasts of egg and vegetable omelets! I'm lusting after lean, fresh meat and grilled veggies, people. If there was every a time to make this change, it's right now while I'm excited about it.

Here's a basic idea of what my new diet will include.

Add in plenty of fresh fruit, veggies, and limited servings wheat (1-2 times a week), milk, and stevia for my coffee/tea in the morning and that's pretty much it. I will go into it in more detail in a future post but that gives a broad sense of what I'll be doing.

I never would have been able to handle this type of change in the beginning of this process, so having a way to eat mac & cheese or pizza was necessary to get me over the hump of just simply eating less and changing the basic composition of my meals. However, my palette has changed and I feel more limited by the program than I'm feeling helped. 

I've also got a great track record for choosing my days to indulge and hopping right back on my "plan" afterwards. I'm no longer afraid of breaking from my diet for a day. I don't feel like one off meal will keep me from my goals or destroy the eleven months of progress I've made. That's a huge achievement for me and I think with that should come the reward of more flexibility when it comes to fitting my health plan into my daily life.

So that's the plan moving forward! I intend to finish off this shipment of food, phase out my remaining Nutrisystem dishes, and keep track of my Primal diet using Fitbit to help me hit my desired deficit for weight loss 6/7 days a week. I have ten days till my breakfasts and lunches run out and sixteen until my dinners run out. That will give me enough time to slowly start phasing in new home made primal foods bit by bit. I'll let you all know how it goes and if anyone has any suggestions or questions, please feel free to leave them in the comments!

Willpower: Your Limited Mana Pool and You

Willpower.

All health choices ultimately come down to that one thing.

How badly do you want it and what are you willing to give up?

Every task, from work, to working out, to dealing with unpleasant social situations draws on the same resource; Willpower (or self control if you prefer). Lately, I've been struggling to manage my "limited mana pool," so to speak. 

For 11 months. I've turned down cupcakes and candy while watching others graze on them at will. I've woken up at 6 in the morning to make time for runs before work despite exhaustion. I've traded gaming time for gym time and the freedom of eating "wherever my friends want" for making sure that there will be something I can eat wherever we go.

Add in a very physical job that requires me to manage groups of 30 people from around the world for an hour at least three or four times a day. It requires me to walk at least 5 miles during the work day alone, and provide the best in customer service to over 1000+ guests a day.

Add in the emotional anniversary of the death of a friend.

Add in my stress over trying to figure out how to pursue my acting career in this new body.

Add in my boyfriend (one of my major rocks), moving back to Michigan for the summer.

The reason I'm listing all these stress factors is because it takes the same type of energy to behave like a mature, mentally and physically healthy adult in the face of all those hurdles despite how different they are.

Sometimes it really seems like the perfect storm, and despite the fact that I have been able to stay on track with my health goals, I've become slightly pugnacious, rude and confrontational in the face of my increased stress load. My fuse is the shortest it's ever been and I really don't like the person I'm becoming.

Seriously, I'm not far off from this:

Many whelps, guys. Many whelps.

Just think about your own life.

How many times have you had a really crappy or exhausting day and made a bad decision using your experience as an excuse?

I ran around the city all day getting ready for my big trip so I'll skip out on the gym because I'm exhausted.

My boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with me so I'll drown my sorrows in a pint of ice cream. 

I just had a really shitty day, so it's ok that I was short with my dad on the phone.

We've all been there. We're only human. Usually when we cave and make a bad decision or lash out aggressively it's because we aren't managing our mana pool efficiently. Then when we don't execute our plans perfectly, it feels like there's no point and more mistakes follow.

But what do we say to the god of death? 

Not today.

Even when the walls are caving in, you have to learn how to cope without relying on your old toxic habits or taking it out on the people around you. If you want to keep fighting for your health, you can't just throw up your hands and accept defeat. You need to change your tactics and evolve.

First, you have to accept that you cannot be perfect at everything all the time. You need to prioritize what you're going to excel at, what you're going to do well at, and what you're going to let go for the day.

It's sort of like prioritizing a kill order for mobs in a video game. Save the bigger spells for the the bigger bosses and get by with the smaller ones to take out the less threatening ones.

If you know you'll have an exhausting day at work, then choose a lighter workout, but plan to eat on your plan perfectly. If you know you'll be going out to a truly fabulous dinner with friends, give yourself a little more leeway if your diet execution has been stellar for the last few weeks, but go hard when it comes to the gym that morning so that you earn it. I usually try to get new personal records in my runs on these days or put in some extra time on attempting new yoga positions so that I can feel like I really accomplished something great.

NOTE: Don't go overboard on the whole "going out to eat with friends" social excuse. Generally, I've been giving myself one day a week where I don't have to meet my deficit on fitbit if there's a significant social occasion, like a birthday. Try to plan things so that treats are just that; TREATS. You don't need cake all the time, but you shouldn't deny yourself the odd indulgence if you plan for it ahead of time and make it an active choice. 

It's also important to start recognizing what recharges you and it's critical to find things that don't involve eating as form of stress relief. After all, before you face a new boss on raid night, it's important to stock up on your mana potions!

What stress factors can you eliminate quickly and which are out of your control? If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and think of little things you can do. Would cleaning your desk make you feel less stressed? Can you take out the trash or go out and get your groceries? Can you clean out your email inbox?

Is there some activity that you really enjoy that seems to erase the stress of the day? Treat yourself to a pedicure. Carve out some time to watch a movie you've been dying to see. Cuddle with your significant other on the couch and talk about your day together. Schedule an hour to PVP. Maybe you don't have a whole day to lounge around and devour reruns of Doctor Who on Netflix, but you can find some time for yourself if you do some creative thinking.

Can you make time at least once a week to hang with friends and relieve some stress? Sometimes this road to health can be lonely and it can definitely make you feel isolated. Make sure you are putting in time with your friends because it will help you keep a level head. They knew you before you started on this path and they'll be able to step in and help you if you seem to be going a little bonkers.

Is there a physical activity/ritual that seems to center you? Try out some yoga or meditation. Download some new music and go for a walk while you listen to it. The more you can discover physical activities that you truly enjoy, the better off you'll be in the long run.

It's time to accept the things you can't control and and take the helm when it comes to the things you can. Learn to recognize the difference and you'll be able to keep yourself moving in the right direction. Success is just the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what. You might not always be perfect, but if you can assess your failures, forgive yourself, and learn from them, then you'll always be ready for the next boss fight will a full mana pool and enough willpower to lead your raid team constructively without the threat of 50 DKP minuses.