Primal in Practice

This past weekend, I took a trip home for a family event and decided it was the perfect chance to practice getting away from my Nutrisystem food and start eating Primal for every meal I could with a few indulgences for carrot cake with white chocolate icing and candied ginger at the big event on Saturday night (SO WORTH IT!). I also had a cousin staying with us who is very knowledgeable about healthy recipes and my father who is a caterer, so I made plans to create and try some new Primal recipes with their help. Needless to say, this experience came with some ups and downs, but the important thing was that I kept going.

My only failure happened Friday. I thought I was being smart at the garage party where they were serving hotdogs and bratwurst. Obviously I couldn't eat the buns. I took the romaine they had for Caesar salad and removed the croutons and cheese. Added a spoonful of grilled chicken and cut up a hotdog and bratwurst on top, followed by a spoonful of onions and a spoonful of tomato with one packet of ketchup (I know... terrible but I needed something for dressing that wasn't the ceasar dressing). Had I known there was guacamole upstairs, that whole thing would have gone down very differently. At any rate, I tossed it, ate it (surprisingly good), and then had a chance to look up the hotdog/bratwurst on Paleo Central for stats... only to find that they are really not great options. Obviously I should have checked that before I put the food in my mouth but I was wearing a fabulous dress with no pockets and my bag was all the way upstairs. Sorry guys, I got lazy. Womp womp. It was my one of my first times at bat for the weekend and ultimately I did MUCH better as the days progressed. Baby steps! If you fail and wipe the raid, just rez and make another attempt.

As far as ordering/selecting food while out, my biggest win was ironically also on Friday. I ordered a 12 piece sashimi meal with seaweed salad and pickled ginger. I left out the soy sauce since I didn't think it was worth it to expend my Primal "20%" for the day on a condiment.

Another highlight was cooking broiled swordfish with my dad on Sunday night. He taught me that when seasoning, you should use a little oil to help "carry the flavor," but we were very stingy with the extra virgin olive oil so that we could keep it as healthy as possible- only about one tsp for enough fish to serve three people. Then we used a bit of salt and pepper on both sides and let it sit for about an hour to season (something I would have never thought to do. Most recipes I have tried just say, season it, but give no length of time). Then we popped it in the broiler for about 10 minutes or so and voila! While the seasoning/broiling went on, we sliced some cucumber very thinly and tossed it with 1 tbs vinegar. Every 10 minutes or so we'd toss it again and when we were ready to serve the fish, we plated it and mixed the cucumber with some store-bought seaweed salad. Delicious! Sadly I don't have a broiler in NYC so this isn't a meal I can take back home with me.

I also relied on a staple salad for a few meals. It included baby romaine, 2 oz of chopped up turkey breast, 1/4 orange pepper, broccoli slaw, and 2 tbs low fat raspberry vinaigrette. The second time around, I substituted home made guacamole for the vinaigrette and that was the BEST EVER!

When we ate out at the Bass Pro shop on our way up to Michigan, I ordered the maple glazed salmon with broccoli and substituted a side salad of onion, baby tomatoes, and cucumber for the wild rice listed on the menu. They had no offerings for low fat dressings, so I ordered the raspberry vinaigrette and just dipped my fork in it for every bite to minimize how much I used.

Having been thwarted by vinaigrette all weekend and feeling like the stuff we bought at the store wasn't exactly natural, Dad and I took matters into our own hands and made our own dressing from scratch. Here's the recipe for a single serving. It's super simple if you have the ingredients on hand. In his honor, I'm naming it after his first and only World of Warcraft character.

Caldephron's Raspberry Vinaigrette

• 2 tsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• 1 tsp Sherry Wine Vinegar
• 1 tsp fresh squeezed Lime Juice
• 10 raspberries mashed up into the mixture.

My favorite thing that we made all weekend was the following egg white casserole. It was completely Paleo, very filling, and the most savory of all the things that we cooked. Thanks so much to my cousin Mel for the recipe! I know it will be a staple for me moving forward. Hmm. You know, "Mel" isn't that far away from Mal, so we'll call it...

Can't Stop the Signal Egg White Casserole

Serves 4-6

• Preheat Oven to 375 Degrees
• Wash and chop up one sweet pepper (other options to add: mushroom, onion, tomato, etc. Get creative!).
• Sauté pepper (and any other veggies!) in lime juice in a skillet (with a cover. This will be used later.). This should take 3-5 minutes depending on desired softness.
• Place sautéed peppers on a plate and put to the side.
• Add 4 cups fresh spinach. Add in more lime juice if needed.
• Cover and let steam for 3 minutes.
• Uncover and put on plate with peppers.
• Fill a casserole dish with your sautéed spinach and peppers.
• Cut up about 2-3 oz. of turkey and spread evenly on top.
• Pour 1.5 cups of egg whites on top.
• Add 1/2 cup of salsa on top.
• Place in oven for 25-30 minutes.
• Check to make sure it's not runny by giving the dish a shake. It should stand solid with very little "juice."
• Cut into pieces and serve!

I'd say the weekend was a very successful learning tool and the biggest take away was that I can totally see myself putting this lifestyle change into practice. I do have a few more Nutrisystem meals to finish up, which I'm almost sad about since I was enjoying all the fresh real food this weekend, but I don't want to be wasteful. Once all those meals are done, it'll be Primal all the way for Project Reroll!

Evolution of a Diet Plan

When I started my quest for health, everyone stressed the importance of having a plan. I knew the basics of "healthy eating" because I'd gone to nutritionists and diet counselors before.

I knew I should be eating more vegetables and less carbs. I should stop binge eating when emotional tension runs high. I need to learn how to cook eventually if I want to eat healthy on a budget.

Yet, even with the basics, I needed something to cling to- a daily routine that would get me moving in the right direction and strictly control my portions- something that would dictate exactly what I needed to do.

Enter, Nutrisystem.

This was a great program for me. Honestly it allowed me to learn about portion control and it gave me the variety in foods that I needed to push through the first part of my journey without having to rely on my poor cooking skills. It provided a great online community for support and monthly challenges to keep me motivated.

However, there's not a lot of support for the physical side of things on Nutrisystem. They suggest 30 minutes of activity but they don't have many resources about what activities are best for weight loss or what different types of work outs can help you achieve. In addition, people get used to blindly eating whatever is in their entrees for the day. A lot people on the program have no idea WHY what they're doing is working and it keeps them returning the program because every time they leave, they aren't able to maintain what they've managed to lose. Lastly, it's debatable whether or not it's a "healthy" program. It certainly helps you lose weight. I lost over 100 lbs on Nutrisystem. It works. However, you are filling yourself with processed food constantly and that has it's own disadvantages. You get your four cups of veggies and your snacks, which can be fresh dairy, fruits, and nuts, but everything else comes in a box and is filled with chemicals and preservatives to give it shelf life and approximate the flavors of the indulgent meals you WISH you were eating instead.

I also recently came to terms with the fact that setting a weight goal based purely on BMI can have its drawbacks if you're one one severe end of the bell curve it uses. Let me illustrate.

These graphs were generated by Fitbit to show what qualifies as underweight (blue), healthy (green), overweight (orange), and obese (red).

Here's my chart. I'm 5'1". I am truly hobbit sized.

Here's my boyfriend's chart. He is 6'3". He is Hagrid sized.

He has a range of 52 lbs in his healthy weight section while I'm left with a measly 36 lbs for my target zone, not to mention he can be 240 lbs before he's considered obese! That blows my mind. Clearly there's a lot less of me than there is of him so on that level, yes, my target should be smaller, but also keep in mind that these numbers are applied arbitrarily because they don't take your actual body composition into account. It takes flat weight and does not reflect any knowledge that muscle weighs more than fat. There are professional athletes who would be considered obese on the BMI scale even though they're clearly performing at their physical peak! 

When it comes to any plan, you need to stick with it long enough to make sure you're giving it a chance, but you also need to recognize when it's time to adjust or move on. As your body evolves, your thinking and your knowledge base will as well. Go-to health snacks you were completely enchanted with will start to bore you, things you thought were super healthy may turn out to be the opposite, and activities you hated may become your favorite workouts of the week!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready to step away from Nutrisystem and move towards cooking my own food using the Paleo/Primal Blueprint as a model with planned indulgences for special occasions. What I've been doing has been very rewarding for the past 11 months, but changes are on the horizon. I can't stay on Nutrisystem forever anyways and I'm finding that I don't need as much structure to stay on track as I did in the beginning. In fact, the structure is beginning to drive me quite mad at times and that's causing more trouble than its worth.

My weight loss is slowing because I'm getting down to those last few lbs pounds and I've begun doing more strength training. My measurements are reducing drastically and I'm blowing my fitness goals out of the water for my "Big Damn Hero 6 Week Challenge" so I know I'm on the right track. Physically I'm where I want to be (despite having a bit more weight to lose), but I want to fuel my body properly for the work it's doing rather than feeling like I'm filling it with properly portioned chemical packs every three hours.

At this point, I want to focus on eating fresh, whole foods and I'd like to have a little more flexibility when it comes to going out to eat. I'm very tired of being a pack mule and carrying around days and days of Nutrisystem food and I am now confident in my ability to make informed healthy choices "in the wild." Having to stick so rigidly to the Nutrisystem guidelines is driving me more insane than it's worth when what I'm really craving is delicious stirfry for dinner and breakfasts of egg and vegetable omelets! I'm lusting after lean, fresh meat and grilled veggies, people. If there was every a time to make this change, it's right now while I'm excited about it.

Here's a basic idea of what my new diet will include.

Add in plenty of fresh fruit, veggies, and limited servings wheat (1-2 times a week), milk, and stevia for my coffee/tea in the morning and that's pretty much it. I will go into it in more detail in a future post but that gives a broad sense of what I'll be doing.

I never would have been able to handle this type of change in the beginning of this process, so having a way to eat mac & cheese or pizza was necessary to get me over the hump of just simply eating less and changing the basic composition of my meals. However, my palette has changed and I feel more limited by the program than I'm feeling helped. 

I've also got a great track record for choosing my days to indulge and hopping right back on my "plan" afterwards. I'm no longer afraid of breaking from my diet for a day. I don't feel like one off meal will keep me from my goals or destroy the eleven months of progress I've made. That's a huge achievement for me and I think with that should come the reward of more flexibility when it comes to fitting my health plan into my daily life.

So that's the plan moving forward! I intend to finish off this shipment of food, phase out my remaining Nutrisystem dishes, and keep track of my Primal diet using Fitbit to help me hit my desired deficit for weight loss 6/7 days a week. I have ten days till my breakfasts and lunches run out and sixteen until my dinners run out. That will give me enough time to slowly start phasing in new home made primal foods bit by bit. I'll let you all know how it goes and if anyone has any suggestions or questions, please feel free to leave them in the comments!

Fitbit Review

Nutrisystem catalyzed a giant change for the better in my life. After committing to start that program about 10 months ago, it's been a while  a new product came along that has changed the way I look at my every day actions in such an intensely rigorous, fascinating, and encouraging way- Until NOW! 

Fitbit is changing my life step by step and meal by meal. I've never had more energy, more awareness of my physical activity, or been more at peace with my diet.

I'm a competitive gamer. I love to see my "stats." Setting goals and tracking my progress are huge motivators in-game and in life. It should come as no surprise that I discovered this device/program while making friends on the Nerd Fitness forums! With Fitbit, I get to go through that process every single day. You can set a stride goal, a calorie burn goal, a specific diet plan with a daily deficit to match the intensity of your desired diet or simply plan for maintenance, and you can follow along as you work towards those benchmarks every day. You can enter your measurements, your weight, and your stride length for increased accuracy from your activity readings. You can sync the device to a online dashboard which you can view and make changes to both on your computer, a tablet, or on the fly if you use your smart phone app. Not only is it an incredibly dynamic system, but if you use the phone app, it will send you notifications if you are particularly close to your goal or if you need to step it up in order to meet your daily goals. 

There can be a competitive aspect to using Fitbit. You can use social media to connect with your friends, see how they're doing, and cheer/taunt/comment on their achievements. You also get badges for lifetime achievements like your first 50 miles walked, or your first time taking 20,000 steps in a day. This encourages friendly competition between you and your comrades, and of course it encourages you to compete against yourself! You can see stats on your best day or your lifetime miles walked while wearing the device. I encourage my whole family to get them and their awareness and activity level has increased exponentially over the last three weeks. 

Sometimes it's hard to pair weight loss programs. In my opinion (and you're welcome to disagree and discuss in the comments!) you can't do Weight Watchers and Nutrisystem, or successfully gain the benefits of Paleo while sticking to the raw food movement. Usually you have to pick one thing that works for you and stick with it for long enough that you can sustain success and encourage the results you're looking for. I previously wrote about wanting to transition to Weight Watchers when I got to maintenance because you can easily track your food whether you make it yourself or purchase it from a chain restaurant. Plus (unlike Nutrisystem), Weight Watchers takes exercise into account and allows you extra points to spend on food based on how much energy you expend. 

Fitbit allows me to do that all right now, without joining another program that I have to pay for. There's just a one time expenditure to buy your device and the online tracking dashboard is available to your at no charge. In addition, I don't have to wait until I'm in maintenance to begin learning how to plan my diet around my actual activity. It seems silly to say that, but before I started using Fitbit, I'd just pick out my Nutrisystem entrees for the day based on what I wanted or what I "thought" I'd be physically doing, since the requirement was simply to eat all the fresh add ins and land between 1250 and 1350 calories each day. Now with Fitbit, I can make more educated choices about which entrees I should eat on which days AND I can more easily flex the plan when I need to go out to dinner for a special occasion. I can base those choices off of my actual activity rather than an arbitrary number. I'm a huge fan and it has left me feeling way more energized from day to day. It totally broke me out of the plateau I was in. Their database holds nutritional data for all sorts of food, both from groceries and chains. You can adjust the portions based on what you actually eat and if it doesn't have the nutritional data for an item that you have (like a Nutrisystem entree or a salad dressing you bought at the store), you can simply add a new food to the database and enter all the relevant information.

You should eat for the life you're living. Fitbit helps me do that in a fuel efficient and dynamic way!

Bonus? If you're someone who uses Weight Watchers and loves it, then you can just pass on the food logging and continue to use your other program while still getting your calorie burn, strides, distance, and your activity score. If you already use a log like MyFitnessPal, you can link it with your Fitbit account so that you can integrate them with each other. 

My only concerns are making sure that I have a store of batteries for when my Zip needs a new one so I don't miss a day of tracking (mine hasn't shown signs of wearing out after three weeks), making sure I get in the habit of religiously putting it on every morning, and making sure I remember to log activities that aren't measured as accurately (aka yoga, long boarding, or cycling) so that I can get proper credit for the calories burned.

Fitbit offers a variety of different devices at varying levels of expense (from $45 for the Zip on Amazon to $100+ for the other models). Personally, I use the Fitbit Zip (the cheapest option) but you should check out all three devices they have available because each one has varying benefits and you may have different priorities than I do. Keep in mind, they're sometimes available for less money on Amazon, so definitely check out whatever deals they have.

I simply can't recommend this product enough. Go get one! You won't regret it!

Choose Your Own Adventure

Our newly painted miniatures for a campaign of Mage: The Awakening. Mine is second from the left!

Whenever I start a new tabletop role playing game, be it D&D, Scion, or Mage: The Awakening, I have the hardest time getting started. There are rule books jammed with so many choices that I feel completely lost until after I've narrowed down that first kernel of inspiration for the character. Does she fight with daggers? Is she from the wrong side of the tracks? Lawful good or chaotic neutral? I need to have one answer before the rest can fall into place.

Similarly, there's a boatload of advice on the internet about diet and exercise. Knowing where to start is a challenge in itself! What are credible sources? There are plans galore to tempt you; Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, My Fitness Pal, Couch to 5k, FitBit, Paleo, Primal. It's easy to get overwhelmed and even easier to discover conflicting advice. The ultimate key is finding something you think you can sustain. Whatever changes you make to your eating and physical activity should be things that you can stick with for life or you'll just end up back where you started. 

Personally, Nutrisystem has been a great gateway for me, but it's hardly the end goal. I don't intend to be on it forever and ultimately I would like to eat more whole foods than processed foods which will be easier when I'm cooking most everything from scratch. In the end, it doesn't make sense to be ordering food from across the country and carrying meals with me every time I go to parties. However, this "gateway" has taught me a lot about portions, ways to improve my metabolism by eating smaller meals/snacks a day, and how to fit more fruits/veggies/water into my diet. Some people would absolutely disagree with me, but I don't think there are "magic" foods that cause you to lose weight. A balanced diet with correct portions combined with increased physical activity will cause you lose weight and get healthy. I've worked hard to learn about nutrition while following this program because I know it's the only way I'll be able to keep the weight off once I stop placing orders with Nutrisystem.

A lot of people react to the success of those around them by wanting to get a piece of it themselves. That's certainly what got me started. Sometimes, I find that when I explain what I'm doing, people get overwhelmed. "No offense. That's great and all, but I could never do what you do," said a friend of mine. My reaction is, "That's the beauty of it! There are tons of ways to improve your current habits and you can start small and see what works for you." 

My answer doesn't have to be yours. I have a friend who murders herself in multiple boxing classes a day and lives for it. If you think I'm trying that any time soon, then you're completely insane! I have another friend who will plan her entire day of eating and exercise around what she wants for desert because treats are that important to her! I totally do that when I have something really special planned, like eating Magnolia cupcakes with my sweetie on Valentine's Day. Other people say, "You can't live for treats like a dog. You have to cut all the processed chemicals, grains, and dairy completely out of your diet." If that's what works for them, by all means live long and prosper! I'd miss carbs and dairy way too much for that to be sustainable for me. My point is that ALL of these plans work for the individuals who implement them well and execute them long enough to see result.

What absolutely doesn't work is constantly changing your plan or taking some from column A and some from column B. You need to choose your new class and stick with it for a few levels before you decide whether or not it will work for you. If you keep switching, you'll never get the full good of the game and more importantly, you won't give your body the chance take in the changes and react to them.

There's something out there for everyone so if you're interested in getting your health in order, don't let someone else's "insane" program be an excuse for you not to try. Choose your own adventure, find a "class" you love, and start playing the game. Take it level by level and if you need to play "casual," then do that. Rome wasn't built in a day and the new you won't be either.

I'm trying to keep that in mind as my weight loss slows. I had a weigh in today and I only lost .4 lbs this week. It was a let down considering how hard I've been working and all the good choices I made during the week, but at least the scale didn't go up. I just need to stay focused and try to enjoy the physical things I'm doing, like Zombies, Run! 5k training (which is so fun that I think I might cry!), Yoga, and watching my favorite season of Xena on the elliptical. The weight will come off when it's ready. Patience, young padawan.

Exit Strategy

If you measure my weight loss on the Princess Leia scale, I'm Leia in Boushh's armor rescuing Han Solo from Jabba's palace at the beginning of Return of the Jedi. In layman's terms, I'm just entering the last third of my journey and a lot of people have been asking me about what I'm going to do when I'm "done." 

Hell, from where I sit, I still have to don a metal bikini, befriend the Ewoks, learn Luke is actually my brother, and restore peace to the galaxy. I guess other people see me as "approaching the finish line" even though I still see a whole lot of work still to be done. I'm not ready to leave Nutrisystem yet, but I do plan to when I reach my goal. It's been well worth the expense but it's not at all realistic for me to continue to pay for the program for any longer than I need to. Many of the Nutrisystem naysayers think the program is unsustainable for this very reason; Sure, it's easy to execute, but do you learn enough about nutrition and portion sizes to maintain your weightloss after you're off the program?

No matter what your system is (Weight Watchers, Paleo, South Beach, Seattle Sutton, etc), it's your responsibility to learn about the program and why it's working for you. If you don't, you WILL gain the weight back. This is not a process that just ends when you "Ding" your goal weight on the scale and reach max level. It's a lifelong education and you owe it to yourself to put in the time and effort to ensure continued success. If you leave it till the last second, sooner or later temptation and lack of knowledge will find a way to lead you right down the old path you were on before you started.

That's why I've started educating myself now, rather then at the end of the program. Here's some advice I've picked up along the way.

• You need to read the labels on your food and look at the ingredients. It's not just about calories, it's about content.
• If there's something that's easy to make on your program, like oatmeal, or a healthier desert that you really like, start looking for an equivalent. For example, I found low-sugar-low-fat Quaker Oatmeal in Maple Brown Sugar and Apple Cinnamon for a breakfast that's similar to Nutrisystem's versions of the same product. I also found UNREAL: Candy Unjunked at my local CVS. They basically make candy with lower sugar, no corn syrup, no partially hydrogenated oil, no artificial ingredients, no preservatives, and low glycemic index. Their Milky Way equivalent has the same amount of sugar as an apple and is only 170 calories, as opposed to 270 in an actual Milky Way. In addition, I'll be replacing my lunch bars at work with Luna bars. 
• You need to look at what proper portions are and find a way to help you measure them once it's not being done for you. Invest money in measuring cups/spoons and invest time in using them for anything from measuring rice to salad dressing. 
• If you're on Weight Watchers, you need to look at WHY certain foods are worth more than others. Even within that system, there are things that are way better for you than others and it's nice to know why because it can help you make informed decisions when under pressure. Don't just follow your chosen program blindly.
• No matter what you're doing, you'll have to learn how to cook sooner or later if you want to live in a healthier more cost effective way. My nutritionist gave me a copy of Integrative Nutrition which is full of advice on how to fuel your body and includes a lot of yummy recipes. If there's something you like on your "prepackaged food" diet, learn how to make it so when you're done with the program you won't feel like you've been left high and dry.

Personally, I'm going to take it in strides. I've learned a lot, but I'm hardly an expert and I have a long way to go. My plan is to get on Weight Watchers when I get to maintenance so that I still have a general measurement system for planning my daily food that doesn't rely solely on calories (since I hate that). Their program definitely allows for increased flexibility as far as eating out goes it converts your workouts into more "points" to use for your day- something you'll definitely want to take advantage of in maintenance. I'm finding some great equivalents for the foods I enjoy on Nutrisystem, either in the store or by learning to cook them, and I'm starting to give myself fitness goals as well as scale goals so I can stay motivated after I reach my weightloss goal. The key here is to be specific, i.e. I'd like to be able to run a 5k or I'd like to be able to stay in a shoulder stand during yoga for 10 minutes and not "I want to run. Spinning might be fun."

So that's where I am! What are you doing to ensure your continued success after you reach your goal? I'd love to hear any advice in the comments!

Becoming a Superhero

I've found weight harder and harder to drop as I lose more and more. It's become increasingly important to me to measure my progress not just by pounds dropped, but by changes accomplished. Sometimes that's weight loss, but other times that's progress with fitness, personal outlook, or life accomplishments. I usually only post on weigh-in days, but because I'm trying to see this as more than numbers on a scale, I'm going to try posting on days that aren't weigh-ins as well. 

I get asked for weight loss advice both by people in my life and on forums who are looking for faster results or are getting frustrated with their progress, which I admit I have a problem with myself. It seems like we're all looking for this magical "I WIN" button. Sorry, guys. That doesn't exist, not even with Nutrisystem. There's no magic involved. I view my Nutrisystem program is more like a 1-up or power boost. It helps you, but finishing the level and wining the game is ultimately up to you and the skills you acquire along the way. So even though I'm frustrated with my plateau right now and I sometimes gain weight for seemingly NO reason despite plenty of exercise and great focus on my diet, I have to be happy and proud of sticking to my guns and choosing health. The rest will follow. 

So, my current project is to build two cosplays for PAX East, a gaming convention I'm going to in March. It's really fun and it's something I never did before I started to lose weight because I was afraid to be labeled the "fat" version of a character I loved. My first cosplay as Appa from Avatar: The Last Airbender was so empowering and well received that I decided to do another one for this convention in March. My boyfriend decided he wanted in on the action, so we chose characters from one of our favorite shows, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Yes, my BOYFRIEND chose that. <3 We both love Rainbow Dash so I'm becoming her (cause she's 20% cooler!) while he'll be taking on Soarin, one of the Wonderbolts (think: the Blue Angels if they were pegasi). 

Obviously, we're not ponies. I know. SHOCKING! The artistry and fun of these costumes is figuring out how to anthropomorphize these characters and turn them into humans. We're doing that through mimicing the color palettes, personality references through clothing choice, and in the case of these two fine ponies, ears and wings! Since they're both stunt fliers, we'll be wearing aviator goggles. My boyfriend is wearing a blue hoodie, upon which I'll be sewing yellow details to reflect Soarin's flight suite and "cutie mark" (the mark all ponies have on their rumps!). He's wearing jeans and of course white wings with white pony ears.

When it comes to "becoming" Rainbow Dash, I realized I was going to be faced with physically embodying some of her really intimidating character traits. She's loyal to a fault when it comes to her friends (something I admire and identify with. That would be easy for me), very self confident (hilariously pompous at times), and very athletic and sporty (competing in stunt flying competitions and saving the day through physical bravery). Out of those three things, I see myself exhibiting only one of those traits. Every time I designed the costume for her, I would shy away from wearing athletic shorts or a tight T-shirt with nothing covering my arms, but every time I designed the costume with jeans and a sporty sweatshirt, I just knew it wasn't the character. It didn't feel like Dash. It felt like Anne wearing a Dash wig and some rainbow stuff. In my heart, I feel like she's not afraid to show herself off. She's a runner with flashy apparel and a devil may care attitude and THAT is what I'm going to take on. This pony has spunk! She's not gonna want to hide herself under a hoodie and jeans. She's PROUD of who she is, so why can't I be? Rather than fit the character to me, I need to fit myself to the character so that I can do her justice and wear what she would wear. I don't want to look bad, but she's a sporty adorable pony who likes to show off and if I want to be her for three days, I need to accept that part of her.

So rather than allow myself to get more and more frustrated, this week I finally decided to face the problem head on, just like Dashie would do! I am going to religiously adopt those two character traits (sportiness and self confidence) that I struggle with from now until March 22, when we go to the convention. Who knows, something might just stick!

That means going to the gym more than I was and sticking 100% to my Nutrisystem guidelines unless I have a REALLY good reason not to. I have been trying to go to the gym 4 times a week, but if I want to feel like I've done everything I can to look great and feel great for the con... or as I also like to put it, feel like I DESERVE to represent Rainbow Dash, I'm going to increase the intensity and frequency of my work-outs. It's slow season for work for me, so I have plenty of time to get to the gym and NO EXCUSE not to make the most of it. Rainbow Dash is also VERY competitive and she feels like she's the best person in the room when it comes to almost everything. She never questions herself. Because of that, I'm attending group fitness classes, like yoga and Zumba, at least 2 times a week on top of my regular workouts. I'm not doing it because I want to be better than everyone else, but because I need to put myself in situations where I don't constantly compare myself NEGATIVELY to other people at the gym. I've had a lot of athletic friends throughout the years and I've always been the slowest, the fattest, and the worst at everything. So I'm going to tackle those icky feelings of inadequacy when faced with physical trials head on. Whenever I find myself saying, "I can't do this like that person is doing it," I try to say, "but I am doing something."

Similarly, I find that I do a lot of negative self-talk. I look in the mirror and I punish myself mentally and verbally for being fat/having saggy arms/taking so long to get my life in order/etc. I'm sure that's something we can all identify with and it's a really hard habit to break. So, when I say those things, I have my friends call me on it and I try to call myself on it and then I (very important that it's me and not someone else) will force myself to say something positive about myself. It seems really stupid and it's really hard, BUT it works and hopefully I'll start to say/believe more positive things about myself than negative things. 

So, long story short, I'm owning my progress, both as a person and as a pony. HA! In the spirit of accepting my progress and not constantly looking for product, here's a picture of my costume in progress. The wig still needs to be styled and I have a lot of detail work to finish on the shirt and the rest of the costume, but it IS starting to come together and I know I'll be able to stand proudly in my costume at PAX East as the fastest filly in Equestria! Heehee! :) 

So if you want, leave a comment with a hero/heroine that you've always admired and think about spending the next few months trying to adopt the things about them that you love, but would like to see more of in yourself. I'll cheer you on the whole way! If you're looking for more inspiration, there was a great X-men themed post on Nerdfitness today to help get you started!

From Disappointment to Celebration

Well, my weigh-in this week was a little disappointing at first glance. I was hoping for a two pound loss considering how on top of my eating I was (guys i resisted soooo many tasty treats with my friends. Cupcakes and hot chocolate to name a few.). I feel like I might be plateauing a little bit after my crazy losses following my surgery last month. Then again I also started taking birth control again, so perhaps that's part of it. Meh.

At any rate, I did notice some positives this week! 

Firstly, I finally went shopping for new clothes! Low and behold, I was a medium and I even bought one small item (WHAT THE WHAT?), so that was very exciting. It's also pretty amazing to see people react to my new wardrobe. Now that my clothes fit, my weight loss is even more noticeable. I bought jeans for the first time in years too. Oh! AND! I dug through my closet and found my high school winter coat, which now FITS ME! I can finally stop looking like a deflated clown in a million layers and wear clothes that fit. My friend Emily said it best when she giggled, "Oh Anne, you look like a real person now!" I don't think she was implying that being fat meant that I wasn't a real person. It's just that I've been looking super schlubby in my oversized clothes for a while now and now I don't stick out for all the wrong reasons. :) 

Second, my boyfriend is back in town. His reaction to my loss over the last month was pretty intense. He hadn't seen me since after my surgery so the last time we were together I was at least ten pounds heavier and could barely move. He's proud of my accomplishments and very supportive. He won't stop picking me up and carrying me places which is weird for me because I always feel like surely I much be crushing him, but apparently not! It's been a bit of a love fest ever since his return. <3

I've also started putting together our costumes for PAX East. We did a lot of shopping for base items this week and I'm sure we'll be picking up other little things along the way. Now I need to go get some fabric so I can start sewing on the details!

So that was my week. Hopefully I'll be able to hit the gym hard and stick with the eating program and find myself BELOW 177, which apparently is the hardest thing ever. 

Resolutions Shmesholutions

Happy New Year from the most awesome self-rescuing Princess of all time (and space!), Princess Leia! I just love this hoodie. My best friend gave it to me for Christmas and it's my personal version of a "power suit." It puts a little "kick ass" in my mindset and a bounce in my step. Also, it's a size down from what I was wearing before, so BONUS!

Today marks the end of the New Year. It was a big weigh-in day for me. On November 1st, I was 200 lbs and today, I'm 177.8 lbs. 22.2 lbs down in two months! I'm pretty happy about it considering my rampant neurosis about facing the holidays with a healthy mindset for the first time ever. I won't say it was easy, but I will say for the first time, that it was successful! All I wanted to do was show a loss in the end and stay on track, and it looks like I managed to do that!

Tonight, a lot of people around the world will be making resolutions to lose weight in the New Year. Last year I was one of those people. Though it took me months to make good on my New Year's promise to myself, I finally did and here I am... 72.2 lbs lighter (or as a my friends like to point out, a fourth grader thinner!). For years I've been making that resolution and then ignoring it in the harsh light of day- the scalding reality when it came to facing the year+ of work it would take to lose the weight and the following lifetime of dedication to maintenance. I was completely lost and starting Nutrisystem allowed me to learn, bite by bite and work-out by work-out, what it takes to get the job done. I've learned so much about portions and balanced eating, let alone what I'm capable of. I'm really grateful for the opportunity that this program has given me to reclaim my life, but mostly, to make me feel like anything is possible with perseverance and an open mind. 

So this year, I'm not resolving to "lose weight," I'm resolving to meet my GOAL weight. I'm already more than half way there and I know it's not an unrealistic goal. I can't believe that it finally feels like it's IN SIGHT. It's always been a distant pipe dream for me. 

So that's my wish for all of us this year- The knowledge that we are completely capable of reaching our goals. It is possible and it will be worth all of the challenges that rise to meet us.

Thanksgiving: One Short Day of Indulgence

Now I can finally say I've made it through a Thanksgiving while on a diet. Did I make every healthy choice? No. But I totally exhibited self control while enjoying delicious food for ONE SPECIAL DAY of indulgence. I started the day with a Nutrisystem breakfast bar and a fast paced cardio workout on the elliptical. I got off the subway a few stops early and walked to work. I had two slices of dried mango at work and shared a small pumpkin cupcake with a friend at work to keep me going and then I used the rest of my calories for the day on dinner. I had a slice of turkey, two spoons of sweet potato casserole, green beans, spinach, a spoon full of mac & cheese, a cup of apple cider and a piece of pumpkin crumb cake. After dinner, we all did salsa dancing in the living room since I was celebrating with a bunch of dancers and choreographers. It was pretty wild and not what I'm used to when celebrating with my own family, but certainly a lot of fun! In the end I only put on .2 lbs after the whole active day and today I hopped right back on my diet plan. The important thing is to keep your eyes on the prize and to not fall of the wagon. Hope everyone enjoyed the day and is back on track today!

Calorie Count Signs in NYC

I have to say I'm LOOOVING that Mayor Bloomberg has insisted that all stores post calorie counts on their menus in NYC. Not only is it enlightening, but it makes flexing my Nutrisystem plan super easy. I'm able to assess what fits our guidelines way more accurately and when I treat myself to something, I can be sure I'm making the best possible choice. It also makes it easier to resist temptation when I see what some of the stuff I used to gorge myself on is worth. Yikes. Knowledge is power!

NY Ren Faire Boss: Defeated!

This past week has been extremely fun, stressful, and awesome.

This was the countdown to my first mini goal: 20 lbs lost by the time I went to the Renaissance Faire so I could enjoy my new garb and feel like I looked better than I did last year in all the pictures. For a while there, I was losing only 2 lbs a week and I wasn't sure if I would make it, but I did see the differences taking effect in my body so I knew I could be proud of that if I didn't make it. This past week was also the first time I ate off the plan because I've sorta started dating someone and it's hard to do that when you have all your meals on Nutrisystem. I've really done my best to stay on track, but rather than go to the gym every day, I went 5 days and did a ton of walking on the others.

P.S. The guy is awesome and totally supportive of my journey. Tall, handsome, intelligent, funny as hell, loves musicals- WHERE DID HE COME FROM? ANNE PLANET? We had SO much fun on our first date walking around Greenwich Village, going to Forbidden Planet, the Halloween store, and eating sushi. YUM. Who knows? This one could be a keeper, methinks. ;) I digress.

On the stressful side of the spectrum, I had some emotional issues to deal with concerning a huge fall-out with the artistic director of the theater company I have been supporting and working for over the last two years. I won't use any names to protect the integrity of those involved and the future of the company, but I will say that I was ultimately was fired from the company for things I didn't do. There was a huge embarrassing confrontation started by the director in front of the entire cast and the audience at our last performance. I was very hurt and upset by the unjust accusations made by his loose cannon behavior. He's a manic depressive who doesn't take his medication because he feels it stifles his creativity and he just decided to turn on me for absolutely no reason at all and spread slanderous remarks about me as a person and a professional. I'm sure you can understand why I'd be so hurt given the circumstances of my dismissal from the company. Normally, I would have turned to food for some comfort but I just told myself that I'd only be more upset if I undid all of the hard work I've put in. You can't control what other people do or how they treat you. You can only control your own behavior and reactions. As hard as it was, I did conquer the urge to "carb it up" for comfort.

Even so, I've been far less stringent this week and while I've been proud of the choices I've made, I was really concerned that I would see negative results on the scale come weigh in day.

So, you can imagine how surprised I was when I weighed in Saturday morning and discovered that I'd lost 4 lbs this week! I surpassed my 20-lbs-lost goal by one pound which was really exciting and I proved to myself that even when life throws in some curve balls, I can still make good choices. 

With all this in mind, I recommitted to losing 10 more pounds before New York Comic Con in October and I stood by that new goal while attending the Ren Faire, even though it would have been easier to celebrate with a cheat day. Those of you who have been to a faire before know that it's filled with delicious turkey legs, chocolate dipped cheese cake, and all matter of tempting distractions. This year, they also had my greatest weakness, pulled pork sandwiches (/swoon). Two of my friends got them and I was so envious, but I stuck to my guns at got the cheese, veggie, and fruit plate with crackers. I was actually pretty shocked to see the portions of everything that was served in general, even my dish. I've been so used to having everything "perfectly portioned for weight loss." All around me, people were eating gargantuan meals large enough for two or even three people and thinking nothing of it. That being said, I really enjoyed my grapes and cheese and carrots. I skipped on the crackers and handed off half of the cheese to a friend who was still hungry. Later I treated myself to about a half cup of lemon ice, which was delicious and refreshing in the intense heat, and again passed off the remainder to friends once I felt I'd gotten the good of it. This whole "passing off to friends" thing is working wonders when it comes to eating off  of the Nutrisystem plan because I just get food out of my face when I know I'll be tempted to snack on it after I've already filled up. The whole day was really fun and I spent money I'd normally spend on food on accessories for my Ren Faire outfit.

After we got in the car, we were going over pictures from the day and everyone wanted to see the "before" photo from last year's fair and match it up with this year's picture. It was really cool to see the differences, even the subtle ones, so I compiled the two photos together so you can see them side by side. Sadly they're not the same size, but then again, neither am I! 

Let me know how you like my improved costume! :)

Eating Out on a Diet? Challenge Accepted

So last night was my first time eating out for dinner and I was sort of nervous for it after 6 weeks of sticking 100% to my Nutrisystem diet with no cheating. Normally, I'm an all or nothing gal. Yoda taught me well. Do or do not, THERE IS NO TRY! Yet, I know that kind of thinking is not sustainable when it comes to diet and exercise. You have to develop a sense of flexibility and some faith in your willpower to continue to make healthy choices going forward no matter what you might have done the night before. Most importantly, if you fall off the wagon, you can't just kill all the younglings and succumb to The Dark Side again. You have to forgive yourself and just do better the next time. Torturing yourself about your troubled past isn't going to help you towards a brighter future. I'm lookin' at you, Xena.

All I can say is that I felt ready for the challenge and I put myself in control. Here are the Jedi mind tricks I used to help ensure the success of my mission. 

• I was going on a date, so I chose where we were going to eat so that I knew it would be both affordable and that I'd be able to find something healthy to eat.
• When I got up, I went to the gym. I knew that if I was treating myself to great food later that I needed to pay the toll at the gym in the morning.
• We got sushi. If I could have had brown rice in my sushi I would have been happier but I knew between Miso soup and the healthier roll choices, I'd be able to land right within the right amount of calories for my dinner.
• How did I know how many calories were in the rolls? I researched them. Instead of getting there and just hoping I was making good choices, I researched the ingredients of all my favorite sushi rolls and based on the varying results, I put together a "high-end" estimate of what things would be and made decisions that would put me right between 230-260 calories. 
• I stuck with it! I made my selections at home and I stuck to my plan when I got to the restaurant. I didn't feel guilty AT ALL (yay!) and I enjoyed EVERY BITE knowing that I'd done the work and I knew what I was doing and I'd made a concious effort to enjoy my favorite cuisine in a healthy, portion concious way.
• The result: I'm back on my Nutrisystem plan today with no problem and no guilt nipping at my heels!

Hope my experience can help others to make good choices when their faced with this pivotal moment in their journey! :)

Time to Turn a Critical Failure Into a Nat 20

I'm ready for this journey. I know it will be hard and long (that's what she said... Hehe...), but it NEEDS to happen! How to make it happen? That's another story. Clearly nothing I've tried so far has worked, so I'm taking a different approach. 

First of all, I started Nutrisystem at the beginning of June. It's supposed to be very good for teaching portion control and balanced diets as well as encouraging many smaller meals/snacks throughout the day. Apparently that's great for your metabolism. So far it's gone really well and the weightloss from just following the new meal plan has been very motivating. 

Rather than focus on a final goal, I'm going to create mini milestone goals as I go so that the overachiever in me does not completely lose her shit.

My first goal is to lose 20 lbs by the August 26th because that's when I'm going to  the Renaissance Fair here in NY. It's a huge occasion for me and my friends every year and it's especially fun because we go in costume. Last year I bought my very own Ren Fair garb and although I felt amazing and full of fantasy and fun in it last year, I would really like to see a positive change in my physical appearance this year. I've already lost nearly 15 lbs so reaching my goal is certainly not out of the question, but I just have to stay on target. Here's a picture of me from last year! Hopefully this year I'll look EVEN MORE super fabulous!

My next goal is to lose 30 lbs by October 11th, which will mark my first cosplay experience at New York Comic Con (yet another geeky staple of my social calendar). I've always wanted to go in costume, but I have this crazy fear of being labeled the "fat version" of a beloved character or having people post hateful meme pictures of me on the internet and mocking me for all time. I know I shouldn't worry about that stuff. The internet is the internet and that will never change, but that's why I chose Appa, from Avatar: The Last Airbender. I'm doing an anthropomorphic version of this character (a giant flying sky bison). Yes, I'd like to do a human character, but until I have enough confidence in my appearance, I'm happy portraying this large fluffy character. Hopefully I'll be looking a little more svelte by then so I can really do majestic Appa justice. :)

I've been going to the gym every day for the past week and steadily improving my endurance. I even started doing weight training which is fairly new to me. As much as I hate being a sweaty ugly beast on the elliptical, I power through it by watching episodes of Firefly. I'll probably move on to Avatar when I finish that show so that I can get in the mood for my cosplay. I am also paying a lot more attention to stretching after every work out and returning to some of the yoga training I did in college. I actually LOVE that feeling I get when I finish and roll up my spine and just breath. I remember in movement class when we'd do this at the end of our warm-up, the teacher would say, "Don't adjust yourself. Don't look at yourself in the mirror. Just stand tall and accept everything in this moment. Just breath." I always hear that in my head when I finish and as corny as it is, it really helps me accept my progress every day.

As an actor, I can really feel the changes in my work. I'm just more connected with my body than I've been in a long time and right now I'm getting a chance to see that in my performance in A Midsummer Night's Dream which opens on Tuesday. I'm hoping to break many legs and give a fully embodied performance of Bottom, which is my first lead role in a while.

Sometimes I hate what I see in the mirror or I wish the whole process would just be over with. I'm a bit of an over achiever and I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia before so it's hard to accept the healthy rate of 1-2 lbs per week. No matter what I do, I seem to see a whale in the mirror.

I need to preface this next part by saying that my parents would do ANYTHING to support me and see me succeed and find joy in life. I love them and I wouldn't be able to afford my subscription to Nutrisystem or gym membership without them. That said, this next part of my story involves coming clean about what was said to me when I was younger about my weight and how the comments that were made affected me. The only reason I'm sharing this is because I now have a WONDERFULLY close relationship with them now and I know so many people who have struggled with weight from a young age will relate and learn from the scars that made me the way I am today. My mom and dad have always been worried about my health (and with good reason), but sometimes when I was younger it felt like an attack. These "concerns" and "attacks" made me hate myself- not that it was the only thing but every time my weight was mentioned I felt abnormal. I felt ugly and inadequate and like I'd never be good enough to be fully loved. I realize that a lot of this had more to do with me than it did to do with them. They were just looking out for me and they were understandably desperate to save me from following the path I ended up taking. Sometimes hurtful or insulting things were said to me were said in desperation and frustration and even though they weren't always kind, they were said because they loved me. One that stayed with me was "you're so overweight I don't know what to do with myself." Even now, on a bad day I can hear that sentence in my head and it fills me with shame.

My dad is a caterer and an amazing chef but he definitely tried to feed the family healthy food. We didn't visit fast food joints and we didn't keep a ton of sweets in the house. When I felt depressed, I would find ways to binge eat- either out with my friends or on my own. I would go and buy tons of candy bars or a carton of ice cream and drown my sorrows in CRAZY amounts of junk food. I'm totally ashamed of it, but I know I'm not alone. There are so many people who do this in order to cope with depression or stress. Looking back at pictures that were taken back in middle school, I really couldn't have been more than 10-15 lbs overweight at the time, but I let all of the more abusive feedback I was getting from my family and the pressure of going through puberty put all sorts of demons in my head. Really, I was a beautiful child who lived an active lifestyle. I played soccer and did figure skating and enjoyed the outdoors as well. Sometimes it makes me furious to realize that succumbing to those small insipid comments began my journey of self loathing and abuse that led me to anorexia, bullemia, and binge eating that lasted 12 years and packed on over 100 pounds.

 That being said, our country CLEARLY has to work on how we deal with childhood obesity. It's an undeniable epidemic. When I look back on my relationship with food and with my weight, I wonder how I would have handled it if I were the parent. It seems like an impossible task- you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't! How do you let a child know they need to be healthier without making them feel like a failure. How do you motivate them when places like the gym are intimidating and make them feel like a "special case" since no one else their age has to go there?

Anyways, the short and long is that it's still nearly impossible for me to recognize progress purely from looking in the mirror because of my rampant negative self image. I'm hardwired to see my inadequacies. So when I get down on myself, I have started to ask one question. "Have I done everything I can to live healthily today." If the answer is yes, then I try to move on and stop harping on myself about it. If it's no, then try my best to think of something healthy I can ACTIVELY do before the day is out, and most importantly, I commit to doing it.

There's only one problem at the gym. This trainer named Heather keeps approaching me about personal training whenever she sees me working out. I can't help but feel that she wouldn't have approached me if I weren't so overweight. I don't see her walking up to anyone else. I suppose I'm just one of those people who really hates anyone TALKING to me when I work out, but more than that I hate being solicited. I know that Heather's heart is in the right place. She probably really WANTS to help me, but I just can't stand that she continues to approach me and ask me to do certain exercises for her. I took her card to be polite. I don't know. Am I over reacting? I've gotten to the point where I dread going to the gym sometimes because I don't want her to hunt me Hunger Games style.