Things I Don't Miss

 Changing my nutrition and exercise habits have had a profound effect on me both inside and out. Even though I've had some success, when times get tough (I hit a plateau, I'm constantly surrounded by temptation, I get distracted by emotional stuff in my life, etc), I sometimes find myself drifting back to my old way of thinking. Sure, when my friends are eating delicious New York pizza, I want some. I wish it was in the cards that I could eat a slice or two like I used to. When it's late at night and I get a craving for ice cream, I start remembering what it was like to load up on my favorite flavors whenever I felt like it. When I make my boyfriend a bacon cheeseburger I FRAKIN' WANT ONE TOO. Who wouldn't? My choice to not give into that overwhelming urge to throw in the towel and go hog wild with food is what makes me strong. Willpower is a muscle and the more you flex it, the easier it gets. However, when I'm teetering on the edge of disaster, I start to think of what I don't miss about my "old" life. It's like the Star Wars prequels. Sometimes you really wish you didn't sit through those years of pain, but it's there forever and no matter how hard you try, you can't imagine it away so you might as well do your best to glean what you can from it. 

That's why I made this list of "Things I Don't Miss." Thinking about the negative things in my past and how they've changed helps me to focus on a brighter future that as of now, isn't so far, far away anymore.

• I don't miss getting winded just by walking from the subway to my destination.
• I don't miss sweating like crazy all the time.
• I don't miss getting hit on by guys who only want me because I'm a "BBW" fetish.
• I don't miss only being able to sit on the subway if there are two adjacent seats available.
• I don't miss my feet feeling like they were breaking after being on them for hours at a time.
• I don't miss my feet and ankles swelling up like sausages a few times a month.
• I don't miss slowly having to accept that I'm getting too big for my clothes.
• I don't miss binging on a whole pizza from Pappa John's and feeling like crap afterwards for willingly destroying my body day after day.
• I don't miss calling to order food from one of my favorite restaurants and having them recognize my voice and fill in my order before I can finish my sentence.
• I don't miss that guy at Dunkin' Donuts who saw my State ID from when I was thinner while I was paying and said, "Wow. When did you get fat?"
• I don't miss going to the doctor and having to get poked and prodded a billion times for them to even find a vein to take blood.
• I don't miss people feeling they need to console me by telling me, "But you have a beautiful face."
• I don't miss my family repeatedly telling me I'm going to get diabetes.
• I don't miss approaching a roller coaster with apprehension because I might not fit in the seat. 
• I don't miss putting myself down with a joke so that no one else has a chance to do it first.
• I don't miss feeling like I'm holding my friends back because of my weight.
• I don't miss letting myself get pushed around because I don't feel I deserve to take up any space.
• I don't miss looking at my beautiful friends and feeling like I don't even deserve to be around them. 
• I don't miss  being jealous of other people's beauty and success in healthy endeavors and subsequently hating myself for it.
• I don't miss promising myself that "I'll start tomorrow" but already knowing I won't.
• I don't miss making a million excuses for not trying something because I was afraid to fail due to my weight.
• I don't miss looking in the mirror, being unhappy with what I see, and not being able to temper that with an affirmation that I'm working hard to become a better person.

Last night, a friend asked me how it "felt" to have lost all this weight. I was flooded with a mixture of emotions because I know at my core I'm the same person in a lot of ways, but in that moment I was struggling to capture the result of leaving all that negativity in my past. In the end I decided on, "I'm not afraid anymore."

The Power of Setting Goals

One of the most important things I've done on this journey is to learn how to set good goals for weight loss.

Before, I would just say, "I wanna be thin....WAAAAAGH! That's my goal. I know when I get there." As someone who has suffered from eating disorders and body dysphoria in the past, that's a slippery slope for me. It's almost impossible for me to look in a mirror and say, "Yup! I'm there! I reached my goal and I look fabulous." Setting that kind of goal is dangerous because it's hard to reach and the more you don't, the more negativity and the potential for self abuse sets in.

This time, I did some research. I found out how much I should weigh to be healthy. I put a specific NUMBER on it by using the BMI scale. This is isn't a perfect science since it's a bell curve of averages, especially for someone like me who is really short and fall on an extreme end of the scale, but it's really the only general way I had to set my goal. You could always go the calipers/body fat percentage route but that might not get you a goal body weight to shoot for if you're looking for a goal number. For me, doctors use the BMI scale, so that's what I used since I want the doctor to give me a clean bill of health when I visit. That's a major priority for me.

I also set weight loss goals that matched up with specific dates and occasions where I'd be performing, knew photos would be taken, or I'd be wearing costumes to conventions. The goals were determined realistically (1-2 lbs a week weightloss goals) and though I've had some disappointments along the way, I've never missed a goal yet which has been pretty empowering. The whole idea is to integrate healthy living into events or occasions you really WANT to be a part of so that your weightloss doesn't become "this thing you're also doing." It's a life change that's integrated into everything.

Yesterday I finally hammered out some dates for some summer conventions and family trips. I decided to attach goals to them and realized after doing the math on the weeks, that I could be at my GOAL WEIGHT before the first one and DEFINITELY before the second one which allows a bit of leeway. I can't believe that my system of mini goals has finally led me right to "the big kahuna!" Just goes to show that by making smaller changes and meeting mini milestones along the way, you can achieve great things in no time at all!

Sick and Irritated

Well I spent the entire night writhing in agony like Luke on the Death Star with severe abdominal cramps or pain or something. I don't know. I've gotten this "illness" about once a month for the last three months and these "pain sessions" usually strike every three hours for 24 hours and each session lasts about 30 minutes (and no, not during "that time"). This thing is so intense, I can't even put it into words. I'm not religious, but I'm reduced to just sitting there and praying to every higher power I can think of with tears running down my face. It's like an iron vice wraps around the center of my rib cage and slowly starts cinching in more and more until I'm seeing stars. If I move to try to relieve the pain, it sends the pain up or down my back and shoulders so there's no escape.

Well last night this pain gave me NO respite. Normally this comes in those half hour waves but nothing would get rid of them this time around...until I finally jammed some muscle relaxers down my throat this morning in desperation (this is pain so incredible that I can think of or do nothing else whilst it is happening), annnnnd promptly vomited until there was nothing left to give. Pro? The pain immediately subsided. None of the other times have caused that to happen, so I'm not sure what that's about. I ate perfectly on plan. None of this started happening till I started my diet, but I really can't believe one has anything to do with the other. Needless to say, I'm confused and I don't know what to do. Well, technically, I should go to the doctor... Ha. I hate hospitals. I'm worried about my health coverage being able to take care of whatever this is. 

Seeing a doctor could BANKRUPT me if my insurance doesn't cover whatever this is because I'm one of those starving artist types. So... awesome. I get to suffer- literally-for my art. Not sure what I should do about eating today so I'm just gonna wait till I feel some appetite coming back and then keep it simple with meals. I'm giving it an hour and if I still feel fine, then I'll head to the gym.

Giving Thanks

Knowing that Thanksgiving was coming around the corner, I've been working out every day after work. My work is really exhausting. I give tours all day and walk roughly 5 miles up and down 4 flights of stairs every day. So by the time I get home, I'm ready to sit down and relax.

Well not this week! :) I've been keeping my nose to the grindstone and putting in the work.

This morning topped it off though! I had been planning to rest on Thanksgiving and just enjoy everything in moderation, especially since I'm scheduled to work during the day. Well this morning I woke up around 5:30AM for no reason and couldn't get back to sleep. Then, I realized my first tour wasn't going to start until 11:30AM. 

I could have stayed in bed as I'd planned and given myself a break, but I didn't. Before I could even think about it, I hopped out of bed, threw on my gym clothes and began schlepping myself the 6 blocks to the gym. After I was done sweating out a cardio workout, I headed back to my apartment to shower. During the walk I was thinking about all the things that have changed since I started this whole healthy mission.. quest... thing! Sorry, I can never resist quoting Lord of the Rings. ANYWAYS! 

• I've lost almost 60 lbs, sure. But that's just on the surface! 
• 5 months ago, I would not going to the gym because I had extra time to kill. 
• I wasn't as self assured as I am now because I was never brave enough to ask for what I wanted or demand what I deserve. I didn't think I was worth it. Now I know I am!
• I didn't have a boyfriend who is proud of my journey and my determination to succeed rather than the results that succeeding will yield.
• I had NO self control. 
• I didn't know how to forgive myself for mistakes. 
• I didn't know how to indulge without derailing myself.
• I didn't have awesome cheerleaders and peers who teach me about what it takes for us to reach our goals EVERY DAY!

All that said, I don't think I've ever had a Thanksgiving where I was thankful for MYSELF, which seems really selfish I guess, but there you have it. I'm thankful for a lot of things this year, but most of all I'm thankful for the changes in me and I hope you're all thankful for yourselves too!

Calorie Count Signs in NYC

I have to say I'm LOOOVING that Mayor Bloomberg has insisted that all stores post calorie counts on their menus in NYC. Not only is it enlightening, but it makes flexing my Nutrisystem plan super easy. I'm able to assess what fits our guidelines way more accurately and when I treat myself to something, I can be sure I'm making the best possible choice. It also makes it easier to resist temptation when I see what some of the stuff I used to gorge myself on is worth. Yikes. Knowledge is power!