The Power of Setting Goals

One of the most important things I've done on this journey is to learn how to set good goals for weight loss.

Before, I would just say, "I wanna be thin....WAAAAAGH! That's my goal. I know when I get there." As someone who has suffered from eating disorders and body dysphoria in the past, that's a slippery slope for me. It's almost impossible for me to look in a mirror and say, "Yup! I'm there! I reached my goal and I look fabulous." Setting that kind of goal is dangerous because it's hard to reach and the more you don't, the more negativity and the potential for self abuse sets in.

This time, I did some research. I found out how much I should weigh to be healthy. I put a specific NUMBER on it by using the BMI scale. This is isn't a perfect science since it's a bell curve of averages, especially for someone like me who is really short and fall on an extreme end of the scale, but it's really the only general way I had to set my goal. You could always go the calipers/body fat percentage route but that might not get you a goal body weight to shoot for if you're looking for a goal number. For me, doctors use the BMI scale, so that's what I used since I want the doctor to give me a clean bill of health when I visit. That's a major priority for me.

I also set weight loss goals that matched up with specific dates and occasions where I'd be performing, knew photos would be taken, or I'd be wearing costumes to conventions. The goals were determined realistically (1-2 lbs a week weightloss goals) and though I've had some disappointments along the way, I've never missed a goal yet which has been pretty empowering. The whole idea is to integrate healthy living into events or occasions you really WANT to be a part of so that your weightloss doesn't become "this thing you're also doing." It's a life change that's integrated into everything.

Yesterday I finally hammered out some dates for some summer conventions and family trips. I decided to attach goals to them and realized after doing the math on the weeks, that I could be at my GOAL WEIGHT before the first one and DEFINITELY before the second one which allows a bit of leeway. I can't believe that my system of mini goals has finally led me right to "the big kahuna!" Just goes to show that by making smaller changes and meeting mini milestones along the way, you can achieve great things in no time at all!

My First Gain: My Fat Is Trolling Me

Well today was my first weigh-in day where I gained since starting this program 7 months ago. I only gained 1.2 lbs, but if I had lost that much, it would seem significant, so it certainly doesn't seem like a victory week. 

Obviously it's disappointing but I'm not really surprised after the week I had. I'm coming off a few weeks of pretty major loss following my surgery and I gave myself a free day on Monday night to enjoy treats at our New Years party- one of my three indulgence days for the holiday season. I didn't realize it would go on for two whole days, so I didn't pack extra Nutrisystem food like I normally would when I go to stay at a friend's house. I had to wing it on a day where I wasn't able to be particularly active and though I did my best, I certainly got off track and I don't think I every quite recovered during the course of the week. Sadly, my gym was also closed for a few days following that AND I had my last ERCP procedure for my gallbladder situation so the doctor recommended that I didn't do anything strenuous. Then I had four days of work, giving walking tours all day long (which was actually great because I needed to get more active). Anyways, those are all EXCUSES- I could have gotten off my ass and gone for a walk even if I couldn't go to the gym. I didn't. It was my choices that got me here. I could spend more time beating myself up, but I won't. Today is a new day and it's time to hit the ground running. It's time to stick 100% to the plan and get the the gym at least 4 days this week.

Conversely, there were a few positives to the week. 

I tackled my boredom with frozen veggies by putting together a huge salad kit for the next five days. I've been going the frozen route because the small grocery store near me really doesn't have great produce and walking to the far away one (and of course walking back with heavy shopping bags) is pretty awful. So I decided it would be worth it if I bought enough salad "fixins" for about five days. I tossed the baby romaine salad with peppers, carrots, and cucumbers. Then I put them into super fresh-keeping tupperware containers and dish out my portions of veggies and measure out the low fat dressing at meal time. We'll see how it goes this week, but so far, it's amazing. I look forward to the fresh salads more than I do the ACTUAL Nutrisystem dinners! It's my favorite part of the day. SALAD IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE DAY?! Who am I? :)

I got to go back to work this week, which is taking some monetary stress off my shoulders. Even though it's our slow season for tours, I'm just happy that even a LITTLE money is going into my account. I've been living pretty frugally and will continue to do so because I have a small vacation to fund in March. I'm going to PAX East, a gaming convention, and I'm going with my boyfriend and a bunch of friends. 

The convention marks one of my mini weightloss goals (-88 lbs by March 22) and my second cosplay attempt. This time, my boyfriend is joining me in costume to support my efforts (what a trooper!), and we're going as Rainbow Dash, and Soarin the Wonderbolt from "My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic." Weirdest part: That was his choice! Heeehehehehehe. That's right, folks. I'm in dating a Brony. This week, we kicked it into high gear with building our costumes. I have a lot of sewing to do and because this costume is more tailored than my last one, I have to wait until closer to the event to start on the clothing aspects of mine or I'll be swimming in it. So, I'm starting by sewing his, ordering my prescription pink contacts, and building all the details like aviator goggles, our pegasus wings, and my custom painted rainbow sneakers with LED rainbow laces. 

Lastly, I'm currently watching The Biggest Loser and I'm celebrating because for the first time, I'm watching it without an iota of fear. I used to feel inspired by the show, but in the back of my head, when the contestants struggled, I always panicked a little because I knew I had yet to face my own demons on the scale, in the gym, and at the table. Now I am transforming myself and I am focusing more on the commonalities between myself and the folks who are hard at work on the show. So for fun, I'm tracking my weightloss along with the show in a personal mini challenge to see how much I can lose during the course of the season. It's nice because the episodes come out on Hulu on my weigh in day so I can write my blog whilst watching the show. So my first Biggest Loser weigh-in is: 178.8 lbs. We'll see how it goes next week!

Post Operation Weigh-In

I had my first post surgery weigh-in today. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I figured my greatest loss would have been in the hospital where they didn't let me eat for about 6 days, but that didn't seem to be the case. I guess it wasn't until after my return home that my body finally decided to react to all the stress. I've been able to get my appetite back and stick to the program over the last few days and I'm pretty sure that jumpstarted my metabolism or something. Whatever it did, it gave my body what it needed and I dropped 4.8 lbs this week! I was all:

I know it's sort of not real and that I'll probably fluctuate or not lose at all this week, but my main focus is to just get back to normal physically. I want to stick to the program, since my appetite really hasn't been what it once was, and I want to work up to getting on the treadmill at the gym.

I've been trying to stay busy at home. I create little to-do lists for each day so I don't go crazy. I have to call to make some follow up appointments at the hospital today and check in with my health insurance to make sure everything gets pre-certified for the follow-ups. Luckily, once all that is done, I'll be able to spend some time playing Skyrim on my new gaming desktop. But first! It looks like the rain has let up so I'm going to go for a nice little recovery walk whilst the weather holds.

Officially Frustrated

I'm one of those people who weighs every day. I do it to get a sense of how my eating affects my fluctuations and to get myself used to seeing fluctuations rather than being surprised by them. 

That being said, I've eaten and exercised PERFECTLY every day this week except for Thanksgiving day and I only lost .8 lbs. The scale has been STUCK at 192.2 for 3 days and I don't get it. It's not going up or down and I've been really active. I just don't see how I can't have lost any weight at all since Thursday and it's really grinding my gears. Today is weigh-in day and I have almost nothing to show for it even though I ate pretty responsibly at Thanksgiving and stuck 100% to plan on the other days. 

I know I just need to keep working and that plateaus do happen but "MEH" I say. "MEH" indeed. I am most disappointed at this turn of events.

Giving Thanks

Knowing that Thanksgiving was coming around the corner, I've been working out every day after work. My work is really exhausting. I give tours all day and walk roughly 5 miles up and down 4 flights of stairs every day. So by the time I get home, I'm ready to sit down and relax.

Well not this week! :) I've been keeping my nose to the grindstone and putting in the work.

This morning topped it off though! I had been planning to rest on Thanksgiving and just enjoy everything in moderation, especially since I'm scheduled to work during the day. Well this morning I woke up around 5:30AM for no reason and couldn't get back to sleep. Then, I realized my first tour wasn't going to start until 11:30AM. 

I could have stayed in bed as I'd planned and given myself a break, but I didn't. Before I could even think about it, I hopped out of bed, threw on my gym clothes and began schlepping myself the 6 blocks to the gym. After I was done sweating out a cardio workout, I headed back to my apartment to shower. During the walk I was thinking about all the things that have changed since I started this whole healthy mission.. quest... thing! Sorry, I can never resist quoting Lord of the Rings. ANYWAYS! 

• I've lost almost 60 lbs, sure. But that's just on the surface! 
• 5 months ago, I would not going to the gym because I had extra time to kill. 
• I wasn't as self assured as I am now because I was never brave enough to ask for what I wanted or demand what I deserve. I didn't think I was worth it. Now I know I am!
• I didn't have a boyfriend who is proud of my journey and my determination to succeed rather than the results that succeeding will yield.
• I had NO self control. 
• I didn't know how to forgive myself for mistakes. 
• I didn't know how to indulge without derailing myself.
• I didn't have awesome cheerleaders and peers who teach me about what it takes for us to reach our goals EVERY DAY!

All that said, I don't think I've ever had a Thanksgiving where I was thankful for MYSELF, which seems really selfish I guess, but there you have it. I'm thankful for a lot of things this year, but most of all I'm thankful for the changes in me and I hope you're all thankful for yourselves too!

Struggling

I know I'm usually so upbeat and positive, even in the midst of challenges... but I can feel my willpower starting to waver and it's really scary.

I've been experiencing severe abdominal pain that comes and goes over the last few days and I've totally stayed on plan, but after enduring this pain, all I want is something delicious and warm and comforting like a hamburger and french fries. This whole thing is coinciding with the scale just not moving at all. I'm 3 lbs from having lost 50 AND finally dipping below 200 lbs, so I know I should just stick it out... but I am really starting to feel deprived of comfort. I don't know if I'm slipping off the plan and going into starvation mode... but my body is just holding on to EVERYTHING. 

I've been doing Halloween stuff with friends for the last three nights and I've avoided any candy and only had one half glass of wine. I just don't know what to do. I'm completely wiped out and I just want a giant hunk of delicious meat wrapped in carbs and ketchup. 

Ugh. I just read that sentence and just thinking about it makes me feel gross and guilty... but I can't help it! Waaaagh! I really hope an alien isn't trying burst out of me!