The Spike Theory: Vices to Virtues

Do you ever find that when you "trim the fat from life" that you're trimming the fun from it too?

If the answer is yes, then you're doing it wrong. If you aren't enjoying the life you live then what's the point of all the hard work you're putting into your nutrition and exercise? You have to take what you love in life and exorcise the bad until only the redeemable qualities are left behind. Sound familiar?

Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer would think so. This is a guy who went from Big Bad to big damn hero all because he was able to change his point of view on how he wanted to "live" his unlife. You can do the same thing with the way you think about the "vices" in your life that prohibit you from reaching your health goals.

I used to spend my free time playing video games for 4-7 hours a day and eating whole pizzas, thai food, cheese fries, snacks, candy, and regular soda along the way. When I hung out with my friends, we'd always have some sort of over the top treat and I would go back for seconds or even thirds. When  I went to conventions, I would eat whatever was around and spend way too much money on crappy food that wasn't good for me followed by indulging in a big dinner when we got back to the hotel in the evening. I was in my Spike "slayer of slayers" phase. I didn't care what I was doing as long as I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to. That felt good to me.

Now taken alone, video games, socializing, and trips were not bad for me! It's the inactivity and overeating that accompanied these activities that made them toxic. Side note: This is why it drives me crazy when people like Bob Harper on The Biggest Loser equate the war on childhood obesity to a war on video games. That's a topic for another day. While temptation does tend to strike when I engage in these activities, the more you practice willpower, the more you strengthen that mental muscle and make it possible to view these these things as rewards for sticking one hundred percent to your diet and fitness regime.

When I first started my diet, I made a rule that I couldn't play video games and I would stick 100% to Nutrisystem food with no exceptions for the first month. I just wanted to break the patterns that I'd gotten used to. It was sort of like detoxing. I found myself CRAVING the games like crazy- more than I ever craved the food- especially MMOs. I took my diet food with me to group outings and it was great, but I did miss the ability to go out to dinner every once in a while. This was my "Spike with the chip" phase. My redeemable life of good health wasn't exactly natural yet. It was a little agonizing but when I figured out how to direct my energy so that I could still enjoy doing things I loved, it got a lot better.

In month two, I allowed myself to play video games, but only after I'd been to the gym for the day. I also allotted myself one meal "out" a week. That meal was never a splurge. It always met with the guidelines of my diet plan and I would research the menus ahead of time to make sure I was prepared to order healthy selections and set myself up for success. 

Then along came the holidays. I thought long and hard about how I'd handle all the tempting treats I knew would surround me. Did I need them to make me feel like I was a part of the festive holiday? I think that answer is different for everyone, but I determined that they were. Therefore, I decided that if the treats were about the holidays then they should only be allowed ON the day itself. Every other day of the season I stuck to my plan. I stuck to my guidelines for all the social outings in between and when those festive days came, I felt like I was completely deserving of a little reward. 

Conventions have turned into great rewards now that I cosplay because I work really hard on a costume and on my physique for months so that when I get to wear it, the whole event is a celebration of my hard work. I bring food with me so I'm not snacking on things I shouldn't be eating all day and in the evening I do the best I can to eat healthy while still enjoying a little vacation time with my friends. I like to think I'm in my "Spike gets his soul back" phase. I'm actively seeking out better health. Sometimes it's still a struggle, but it's one I chose and one I know I want to see the other side of. The only way I was able to push myself past the point where I normally would have given up was to accept the vices in my life and turn them in to virtues and rewards for pursuing my goals. If I keep at it, who knows? Maybe one day I'll have the power to run a marathon and destroy the hell mouth. I'm just taking it one baby vampire step at a time.

What can you do to "Spike-ify" your fitness and nutrition goals? If you have any tips or experiences to share, please leave them in the comments!

Time to Turn a Critical Failure Into a Nat 20

I'm ready for this journey. I know it will be hard and long (that's what she said... Hehe...), but it NEEDS to happen! How to make it happen? That's another story. Clearly nothing I've tried so far has worked, so I'm taking a different approach. 

First of all, I started Nutrisystem at the beginning of June. It's supposed to be very good for teaching portion control and balanced diets as well as encouraging many smaller meals/snacks throughout the day. Apparently that's great for your metabolism. So far it's gone really well and the weightloss from just following the new meal plan has been very motivating. 

Rather than focus on a final goal, I'm going to create mini milestone goals as I go so that the overachiever in me does not completely lose her shit.

My first goal is to lose 20 lbs by the August 26th because that's when I'm going to  the Renaissance Fair here in NY. It's a huge occasion for me and my friends every year and it's especially fun because we go in costume. Last year I bought my very own Ren Fair garb and although I felt amazing and full of fantasy and fun in it last year, I would really like to see a positive change in my physical appearance this year. I've already lost nearly 15 lbs so reaching my goal is certainly not out of the question, but I just have to stay on target. Here's a picture of me from last year! Hopefully this year I'll look EVEN MORE super fabulous!

My next goal is to lose 30 lbs by October 11th, which will mark my first cosplay experience at New York Comic Con (yet another geeky staple of my social calendar). I've always wanted to go in costume, but I have this crazy fear of being labeled the "fat version" of a beloved character or having people post hateful meme pictures of me on the internet and mocking me for all time. I know I shouldn't worry about that stuff. The internet is the internet and that will never change, but that's why I chose Appa, from Avatar: The Last Airbender. I'm doing an anthropomorphic version of this character (a giant flying sky bison). Yes, I'd like to do a human character, but until I have enough confidence in my appearance, I'm happy portraying this large fluffy character. Hopefully I'll be looking a little more svelte by then so I can really do majestic Appa justice. :)

I've been going to the gym every day for the past week and steadily improving my endurance. I even started doing weight training which is fairly new to me. As much as I hate being a sweaty ugly beast on the elliptical, I power through it by watching episodes of Firefly. I'll probably move on to Avatar when I finish that show so that I can get in the mood for my cosplay. I am also paying a lot more attention to stretching after every work out and returning to some of the yoga training I did in college. I actually LOVE that feeling I get when I finish and roll up my spine and just breath. I remember in movement class when we'd do this at the end of our warm-up, the teacher would say, "Don't adjust yourself. Don't look at yourself in the mirror. Just stand tall and accept everything in this moment. Just breath." I always hear that in my head when I finish and as corny as it is, it really helps me accept my progress every day.

As an actor, I can really feel the changes in my work. I'm just more connected with my body than I've been in a long time and right now I'm getting a chance to see that in my performance in A Midsummer Night's Dream which opens on Tuesday. I'm hoping to break many legs and give a fully embodied performance of Bottom, which is my first lead role in a while.

Sometimes I hate what I see in the mirror or I wish the whole process would just be over with. I'm a bit of an over achiever and I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia before so it's hard to accept the healthy rate of 1-2 lbs per week. No matter what I do, I seem to see a whale in the mirror.

I need to preface this next part by saying that my parents would do ANYTHING to support me and see me succeed and find joy in life. I love them and I wouldn't be able to afford my subscription to Nutrisystem or gym membership without them. That said, this next part of my story involves coming clean about what was said to me when I was younger about my weight and how the comments that were made affected me. The only reason I'm sharing this is because I now have a WONDERFULLY close relationship with them now and I know so many people who have struggled with weight from a young age will relate and learn from the scars that made me the way I am today. My mom and dad have always been worried about my health (and with good reason), but sometimes when I was younger it felt like an attack. These "concerns" and "attacks" made me hate myself- not that it was the only thing but every time my weight was mentioned I felt abnormal. I felt ugly and inadequate and like I'd never be good enough to be fully loved. I realize that a lot of this had more to do with me than it did to do with them. They were just looking out for me and they were understandably desperate to save me from following the path I ended up taking. Sometimes hurtful or insulting things were said to me were said in desperation and frustration and even though they weren't always kind, they were said because they loved me. One that stayed with me was "you're so overweight I don't know what to do with myself." Even now, on a bad day I can hear that sentence in my head and it fills me with shame.

My dad is a caterer and an amazing chef but he definitely tried to feed the family healthy food. We didn't visit fast food joints and we didn't keep a ton of sweets in the house. When I felt depressed, I would find ways to binge eat- either out with my friends or on my own. I would go and buy tons of candy bars or a carton of ice cream and drown my sorrows in CRAZY amounts of junk food. I'm totally ashamed of it, but I know I'm not alone. There are so many people who do this in order to cope with depression or stress. Looking back at pictures that were taken back in middle school, I really couldn't have been more than 10-15 lbs overweight at the time, but I let all of the more abusive feedback I was getting from my family and the pressure of going through puberty put all sorts of demons in my head. Really, I was a beautiful child who lived an active lifestyle. I played soccer and did figure skating and enjoyed the outdoors as well. Sometimes it makes me furious to realize that succumbing to those small insipid comments began my journey of self loathing and abuse that led me to anorexia, bullemia, and binge eating that lasted 12 years and packed on over 100 pounds.

 That being said, our country CLEARLY has to work on how we deal with childhood obesity. It's an undeniable epidemic. When I look back on my relationship with food and with my weight, I wonder how I would have handled it if I were the parent. It seems like an impossible task- you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't! How do you let a child know they need to be healthier without making them feel like a failure. How do you motivate them when places like the gym are intimidating and make them feel like a "special case" since no one else their age has to go there?

Anyways, the short and long is that it's still nearly impossible for me to recognize progress purely from looking in the mirror because of my rampant negative self image. I'm hardwired to see my inadequacies. So when I get down on myself, I have started to ask one question. "Have I done everything I can to live healthily today." If the answer is yes, then I try to move on and stop harping on myself about it. If it's no, then try my best to think of something healthy I can ACTIVELY do before the day is out, and most importantly, I commit to doing it.

There's only one problem at the gym. This trainer named Heather keeps approaching me about personal training whenever she sees me working out. I can't help but feel that she wouldn't have approached me if I weren't so overweight. I don't see her walking up to anyone else. I suppose I'm just one of those people who really hates anyone TALKING to me when I work out, but more than that I hate being solicited. I know that Heather's heart is in the right place. She probably really WANTS to help me, but I just can't stand that she continues to approach me and ask me to do certain exercises for her. I took her card to be polite. I don't know. Am I over reacting? I've gotten to the point where I dread going to the gym sometimes because I don't want her to hunt me Hunger Games style.