My Little Pony: Cosplay Is Magic

I've posted a lot of progress pictures for the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Rainbow Dash and Soarin cosplay I created for my boyfriend and me to wear to PAX East and BronyCon this year, but I haven't really put up a ton of pictures of the finished product. This is my second cosplay ever and I learned a lot during the process, including how to embroider and how to use the character I was portraying as inspiration for my workout routine. 

The reason I was holding off on posting photos is that while we were at the con, we managed to do a photo shoot with a professional photographer, Ger Tysk from Chou-wa Photography. My friends Stephanie and Emily had already arranged shoots for their costumes and raved about how fun she was to work with, plus she was only asking $15 dollars per person to do the shoot. When you've spent over 40 hours of work and a fair amount of money on building a costume (and who knows how many hours sweating at the gym to look good in it!), it's natural to want to celebrate the finished product with good photos to commemorate the occasion. This seemed like the perfect way to do it! She was a pleasure to work with and she's currently working on a photobook called Breaking All the Rules: Cosplay and the Art of Self Expression. You should definitely check out her page and see if she's headed to a convention near you!

When I chose Rainbow Dash, I didn't know if I could pull off the costume. I had done Appa from Avatar: The Last Airbender at New York Comic Con because he was a giant sky bison and I figured the internet couldn't lampoon me for that choice as an overweight lady. Doing Rainbow Dash, a character who's been done by extremely fit and talented cosplayers like Jessica Nigri amongst others AND is known for being the "jock" character on the show is risky because your body is a part of your success. Sadly, if you can't "embody" the character then it's almost like you didn't make the costume at all. I'm sure there are a lot of people who disagree with that, but I think it holds true (even though I don't like saying it). I do think that first and foremost, cosplay is something you should do for yourself and if something makes you happy, then you should absolutely go for it. Personally, I know that feeling like I can't pull something off makes me more miserable than proud, no matter how hard I worked on a costume. 

When it came to Rainbow Dash, I just knew I loved the character enough to challenge myself all the way to the finish line. I made the choice in October and I had until the end of March to see it through. I had no idea if I'd be satisfied with my physical progress. Despite my fitness improvements, the support of my friends, and my pride in the costuming I'd done, I was even worried while I was getting into the costume and even at times while I was at the convention. That's not to say I didn't enjoy myself. I just have a habit of seeing my flaws. It's one of the things that landed me in this mess with my body in the first place. I'm really hard on myself and I can be cruel to the point of being crippling to my own development as a person and as an athlete.

It wasn't until I saw these pictures that I understood my success. Not only do I feel great about the way I look in them, but I see the fun in my eyes and in the brightness of the costumes. I can feel the love that my boyfriend and I have for these characters and for each other. I see the whole journey. I feel the ache in my legs after a long run, something I never would have done were it not for Rainbow Dash. I see the athlete I didn't think I could live up to. I'm proud that I didn't adjust the costume to my body, but that I worked on my body to fit the character and to better myself. I see myself energized after a week of finally getting all the food I was supposed to as opposed to abusing myself by depriving it. I can say that I feel beautiful when I look at those photos and that I actually believe it- hell, I can say I'm AWESOME and believe it! I know I'm working and I have every intention of continuing this journey for the rest of my life, but I can say that seeing these pictures makes me proud of where I am now.

Some days, that has to be enough. 

So without further ado, here are the pictures of Rainbow Dash and Soarin, shippin' it up at PAX East 2013. 

Look out for us at BronyCon in August because we're going to wear the costumes again! It's kind of nice not worrying about building a whole new costume, but I'm sure if I keep progressing like I have that I'll have to do a little "refitting." Hell, that's a problem I'm ok with having. Next on the docket? Hitting my goal weight and tackling the Xena costume I've always wanted to do.

Yip Yip! It's My First Cosplay!

Well I had my weigh-in yesterday and I was pleased to see that I wasn't derailed by my weekend at New York Comic Con with my friends. I really did my best to stay on track. I packed a bunch of meals and looked at the menus for the restaurants we normally go to in order to prepare myself for what I might face. I did end up losing 2.8 lbs this week which is great. I was prepared for the scale not to move at all. Even though I brought Nutrisystem food with me every day for lunch and my afternoon snack, I was in costume, so I had to hunt down my friends in order to retrieve it since I didn't have a bag with me. The only day that went south was Saturday because a friend I was with got really sick and she had to stop walking around. I didn't want to leave her alone so I had to get a hot dog for lunch because that was all there was in the vicinity. It was one of those situations where I did my best to do the least damage possible with just a dollop of ketchup for flavor, but I felt kind of cornered and guilty about it afterwards. I ended up skipping my afternoon snack because of the hot dog and had a salad with grilled chicken, low-fat balsamic vinaigrette, and avocado when we went out for dinner. I guess I was just trying to minimize the damage while trying to enjoy a "special occasion" night out with my friends. 

All in all, it was a successful, healthy week and I still met my goal of at least 2 lbs lost per week WHILE having a ton of fun at the convention. 

I've always been afraid to cosplay because of my weight. I just didn't think I'd be able to become a character that would be recognizable. Most of our heroes and heroines in fandom are quite svelt and the idea of fitting my pudginess into that mold seemed like a lost cause. Plus the internet can be a cruel place where people lampoon photos of "bad cosplayers" or "fat versions" of characters and mock them mercilessly. I was really afraid of becoming a target for that. 

However, when I started this journey, I really wanted to plan a cosplay as a motivation because it's something connects my personality and my geekdom with my health (two things that have been in opposition or just not related at all for most of my life). I chose to create an anthropomorphic version of Appa, a flying bison, and one of my favorite characters from Nickelodeon's animated show Avatar: The Last Airbender. With help, encouragement, and advice from friends (as well as learning how to hand sew on youtube!), I think I was able to pull off a pretty great look. I wanted to share it with you all here! Some of my best friends agreed to reprise their Toph and Man-Toph costumes so that we could all go around as a group and enjoy the convention together. I really appreciated their support and show of solidarity. <3

Yip yip! Appa takes to the skies!

This was the first Aang that I came across at the convention. For those who don't know, Appa is Aang's spirit animal companion and the creature that carries Aang and his friends around the world on the show. I made it my goal to get pictures with every Aang I could find (one of whom was 6 years old and ADORABLE), but this one turned out the best. Although, it sort of looks like "Appa and Aang go to the prom." Ha!

Here's a view of the back of the costume. Appa has a very distinct look and people wouldn't necessarily recognize me from the front immediately, but as soon as I passed by, they would shout "Appa!" It was really funny. 

Moreso than anything else I learned from this experience, I found that cosplay brings people together. We met so many other fans of the show we love, some were even dressed up as other characters. When we all posed for pictures together it stopped traffic. People swarmed us like paparazzi. We all got to talk about why we loved the show and how we made our costumes. Everyday as I passed through the crowd I just heard a continues melodic strain of "Oh my god! It's Appa! Appa, look! Wow! Look at that Appa! Dude! Amazing, it's Appa!" It was just such a rush to feel people's support for all my hard work and of course to get to share our common love of the show in the process. One artist in artist's alley told me a story about how Avatar brought him and his girlfriend together and how Appa was their favorite. He was telling me this like I WAS Appa and I was personally responsible for his joyous relationship- which was hilarious and touching at the same time. The whole time I was nervous that cosplaying with be a degrading experience, but now that the convention is over, I can not only say that we made a great impression (as evidenced by all the pictures I've found of us that are now floating and garnering positive feedback around the internet! Haha), but I can also say that my experience was completely positive and even empowering. After the con was over, my boyfriend and I started planning a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic cosplay for PAX East in March. Now I have another goal to achieve and the best part is that he's going to participate in it with me so we can share our love of the show with other fans. :) 

And for those of you who know what "Gangnam Style" is, here's a "Heeeeey Sexy Appa" pic. You're welcome. This happened because my friend yelled at the other cosplayer, "Hey man! Hey! I need you to come yell at my friend's butt." To which he responded, "Sure!"

Cosplay Progress and Halloween Hullabaloo

My Appa cosplay for New York Comic Con is coming along pretty well and I've also started preparing for Halloween too. Lot's of sewing, which I didn't know how to do before so hooray for learning how to do new things. Just need to attach the false arms to the bracers and run an invisible line between them so they'll move along with my regular arms, remake the horns a lot smaller, and then maybe sew an elbow joint into the arms to make them move more naturally. Lots of work but it will all be worth it! As far as Halloween goes, I'm lucky enough to be relying on the immeasurable skills of my friend Agatha who makes our group of friends themed costumes every year. This year's theme: Mortal Kombat. I wish I could say that I'm super into it. I love video games, but I'm not really a huge fighting game fan. I'm going to be Sindel, the banshee! She wears purple, which is my favorite color, so I was willing to capitulate to the overall desire of the group to do that theme. I know Agatha will alter the more naked aspects of my costume that make me nervous so that I'll be comfortable. It's not that I don't like nakedness. There are just still parts of my body that I'm really uncomfortable with exposing to the world! This is mostly about having fun with everyone and taking awesome pictures and I didn't want to be the thorn in anyone's side just because I was afraid of not looking like the character and not being able to show enough skin to do her justice. When we're all dressed up, I know we're going to look amazing. Agatha always makes sure of that! 

Time to Turn a Critical Failure Into a Nat 20

I'm ready for this journey. I know it will be hard and long (that's what she said... Hehe...), but it NEEDS to happen! How to make it happen? That's another story. Clearly nothing I've tried so far has worked, so I'm taking a different approach. 

First of all, I started Nutrisystem at the beginning of June. It's supposed to be very good for teaching portion control and balanced diets as well as encouraging many smaller meals/snacks throughout the day. Apparently that's great for your metabolism. So far it's gone really well and the weightloss from just following the new meal plan has been very motivating. 

Rather than focus on a final goal, I'm going to create mini milestone goals as I go so that the overachiever in me does not completely lose her shit.

My first goal is to lose 20 lbs by the August 26th because that's when I'm going to  the Renaissance Fair here in NY. It's a huge occasion for me and my friends every year and it's especially fun because we go in costume. Last year I bought my very own Ren Fair garb and although I felt amazing and full of fantasy and fun in it last year, I would really like to see a positive change in my physical appearance this year. I've already lost nearly 15 lbs so reaching my goal is certainly not out of the question, but I just have to stay on target. Here's a picture of me from last year! Hopefully this year I'll look EVEN MORE super fabulous!

My next goal is to lose 30 lbs by October 11th, which will mark my first cosplay experience at New York Comic Con (yet another geeky staple of my social calendar). I've always wanted to go in costume, but I have this crazy fear of being labeled the "fat version" of a beloved character or having people post hateful meme pictures of me on the internet and mocking me for all time. I know I shouldn't worry about that stuff. The internet is the internet and that will never change, but that's why I chose Appa, from Avatar: The Last Airbender. I'm doing an anthropomorphic version of this character (a giant flying sky bison). Yes, I'd like to do a human character, but until I have enough confidence in my appearance, I'm happy portraying this large fluffy character. Hopefully I'll be looking a little more svelte by then so I can really do majestic Appa justice. :)

I've been going to the gym every day for the past week and steadily improving my endurance. I even started doing weight training which is fairly new to me. As much as I hate being a sweaty ugly beast on the elliptical, I power through it by watching episodes of Firefly. I'll probably move on to Avatar when I finish that show so that I can get in the mood for my cosplay. I am also paying a lot more attention to stretching after every work out and returning to some of the yoga training I did in college. I actually LOVE that feeling I get when I finish and roll up my spine and just breath. I remember in movement class when we'd do this at the end of our warm-up, the teacher would say, "Don't adjust yourself. Don't look at yourself in the mirror. Just stand tall and accept everything in this moment. Just breath." I always hear that in my head when I finish and as corny as it is, it really helps me accept my progress every day.

As an actor, I can really feel the changes in my work. I'm just more connected with my body than I've been in a long time and right now I'm getting a chance to see that in my performance in A Midsummer Night's Dream which opens on Tuesday. I'm hoping to break many legs and give a fully embodied performance of Bottom, which is my first lead role in a while.

Sometimes I hate what I see in the mirror or I wish the whole process would just be over with. I'm a bit of an over achiever and I've struggled with anorexia and bulimia before so it's hard to accept the healthy rate of 1-2 lbs per week. No matter what I do, I seem to see a whale in the mirror.

I need to preface this next part by saying that my parents would do ANYTHING to support me and see me succeed and find joy in life. I love them and I wouldn't be able to afford my subscription to Nutrisystem or gym membership without them. That said, this next part of my story involves coming clean about what was said to me when I was younger about my weight and how the comments that were made affected me. The only reason I'm sharing this is because I now have a WONDERFULLY close relationship with them now and I know so many people who have struggled with weight from a young age will relate and learn from the scars that made me the way I am today. My mom and dad have always been worried about my health (and with good reason), but sometimes when I was younger it felt like an attack. These "concerns" and "attacks" made me hate myself- not that it was the only thing but every time my weight was mentioned I felt abnormal. I felt ugly and inadequate and like I'd never be good enough to be fully loved. I realize that a lot of this had more to do with me than it did to do with them. They were just looking out for me and they were understandably desperate to save me from following the path I ended up taking. Sometimes hurtful or insulting things were said to me were said in desperation and frustration and even though they weren't always kind, they were said because they loved me. One that stayed with me was "you're so overweight I don't know what to do with myself." Even now, on a bad day I can hear that sentence in my head and it fills me with shame.

My dad is a caterer and an amazing chef but he definitely tried to feed the family healthy food. We didn't visit fast food joints and we didn't keep a ton of sweets in the house. When I felt depressed, I would find ways to binge eat- either out with my friends or on my own. I would go and buy tons of candy bars or a carton of ice cream and drown my sorrows in CRAZY amounts of junk food. I'm totally ashamed of it, but I know I'm not alone. There are so many people who do this in order to cope with depression or stress. Looking back at pictures that were taken back in middle school, I really couldn't have been more than 10-15 lbs overweight at the time, but I let all of the more abusive feedback I was getting from my family and the pressure of going through puberty put all sorts of demons in my head. Really, I was a beautiful child who lived an active lifestyle. I played soccer and did figure skating and enjoyed the outdoors as well. Sometimes it makes me furious to realize that succumbing to those small insipid comments began my journey of self loathing and abuse that led me to anorexia, bullemia, and binge eating that lasted 12 years and packed on over 100 pounds.

 That being said, our country CLEARLY has to work on how we deal with childhood obesity. It's an undeniable epidemic. When I look back on my relationship with food and with my weight, I wonder how I would have handled it if I were the parent. It seems like an impossible task- you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't! How do you let a child know they need to be healthier without making them feel like a failure. How do you motivate them when places like the gym are intimidating and make them feel like a "special case" since no one else their age has to go there?

Anyways, the short and long is that it's still nearly impossible for me to recognize progress purely from looking in the mirror because of my rampant negative self image. I'm hardwired to see my inadequacies. So when I get down on myself, I have started to ask one question. "Have I done everything I can to live healthily today." If the answer is yes, then I try to move on and stop harping on myself about it. If it's no, then try my best to think of something healthy I can ACTIVELY do before the day is out, and most importantly, I commit to doing it.

There's only one problem at the gym. This trainer named Heather keeps approaching me about personal training whenever she sees me working out. I can't help but feel that she wouldn't have approached me if I weren't so overweight. I don't see her walking up to anyone else. I suppose I'm just one of those people who really hates anyone TALKING to me when I work out, but more than that I hate being solicited. I know that Heather's heart is in the right place. She probably really WANTS to help me, but I just can't stand that she continues to approach me and ask me to do certain exercises for her. I took her card to be polite. I don't know. Am I over reacting? I've gotten to the point where I dread going to the gym sometimes because I don't want her to hunt me Hunger Games style.